What Dating Taught Me About Women
In the Jewish dating world, there is a saying about dating and marriage:
Finding your match is as hard as tearing the Red Sea.
This is, of course, a reference to how Moses tore the Red Sea so that the people of Israel can pass through after fleeing from Egypt.
I agree with that saying. My Dating experience has not been so great as well. Most recently, I mean, Yesterday, I went to a first date with a woman by the sea. It was lovely. We saw the sunset, laughed together, we got to know each other better. Overall, we finished the night on a happy note.
Today, I got a message from her in the morning, saying: “Good morning! It was lovely meeting someone as kind and talented as you. I think, at this point, that it’s not for me. Good luck with finding your match!”
The first moment after seeing that message was a shocker like someone pricked my finger with a needle. I was planning on sending her a message later today, saying I had a lovely evening and ask that we meet again early next week.
What could have gone wrong? It felt like we were enjoying ourselves that evening.
I started replaying the whole evening in my head. Was I rude? Did I insult her anyway without noticing? No, she wouldn’t have sent such a warm message to someone who hurt her, and even so I couldn’t think of something I said which may have been offensive. I couldn’t identify anything major I did that made this evening a flop, even with my most intense self-judgment.
I mean, there were some awkward silences when we sat by the beach but it was the first date, and I can’t help it I’m a little shy talking to a woman. She didn’t want to eat so we didn’t sit in a restaurant. Food probably would have been a good motivator. But aside from those, there was nothing major. Nothing I did yesterday felt too wrong. I’m highly sensitive to people’s emotions and I can usually tell when someone in front of me is genuinely happy or not just by looking them in the eye.
This soul-searching made me understand something important about Women:
There is no clear-cut way to win a woman’s heart.
(Except maybe food, right? It’s a clear-cut way to any heart)
That is great because women are complex human beings with different wants and needs.
So, women may explore your: education, appearance, financial status, self-esteem, health habits, creativity, and many many more aspects which I can’t think about now. Presuming how they will judge your character is pure fiction and impossible to guess. Being kind and respectful is a safe bet in the right direction.
I’ve been in two relationships in 2018. The first girl thought we were progressing too slowly and broke up with me saying: “I think you’re in it for saying you’re in a relationship and not because there is truly something to it.”
That stung for a while because I did have feelings for her. I guess they were blooming too slowly for her. When I found out that she was already planning to break up with me for a few weeks before she finally did, the anger helped me cope with it. I don’t blame her, and I’m not angry with her. I was mostly mad at myself for not noticing she wasn’t into it and wasting both of our time. We both led busy high-tech lives, meeting only once a week. It was hard enjoying our time together. Although we did go on a day trip and went to see some sights.
The other was a geek like me. My feelings for her were blooming faster than the first relationship. I even wrote her a poem. It was a rollercoaster with her. Every once in a while when I would try to show more affection, she would weirdly back-pedal and say that she doesn’t want to hurt me and that we should break-up. I told her I was willing to wait longer because I genuinely liked her and enjoyed her company. After the third time in six months, I let her go.
I’ve always been a little sensitive and am quite literally at a disadvantage. I don’t drive a car, I still live with my parents, I’m overweight, and I’m almost 32. People always say that I will find her and I believe them, but I think I’ll have a better chance when I can drive her downtown or invite her to my apartment.
I do have advantages too; I can see those. I’m well-educated (Bachelor’s degree in Computer Science) and live in an area considered high society. I work at High-Tech with a desirable salary. I’m worldly and have lots of interests, and I’m a great listener.
And still — one lesson, the most important one, I failed to learn.
It’s not your fault.
Women have so many different tastes in men that you probably won’t find her if you date only a handful of women. I mean in 2018, after my second break-up I stopped looking. I didn’t have the mental power for this again.
Practice makes perfect.
My first dates were messy. I didn’t know what to ask, and I had lots of awkward silences. It happened with Yesterday’s girl too. She was the first I dated after around eight months of not looking. The irony is that the girl who gave me her number told me to not take the first date’s impression as an indication of her character. But after a while, it becomes easier to navigate the conversation to the places you want to reach and learn or share the essential bits about both of you. It becomes easier to separate the chaff from the wheat.
Dating taught me that every woman is different, and honestly, this sounds like I’ve never met a woman before I started dating, I know, but instead of thinking about it in the shallow level, maybe I just realized how much I admire women’s complexity.
That complexity also allowed me to forgive myself about not being successful on some dates. Not all women will be interested in what I have to offer.
I can only be who I am. No more and no less.
Somewhere, over the rainbow, there is a girl who will love me for that, even with all of my flaws, and I will tear the Red Sea to get to her heart.
Oren Cohen is a Software Development Engineer, Gamer, Geek, and Writer. He is writing in all sorts of topics on Medium, though his passion lies with Fantasy and Video Games.