My Health Journey

I would have been the last person to be writing about health and wellness. These were always the last things on my mind. It wasn’t until crisis occurred that everything changed, and I’m going to tell you how I got there.

In high school, I struggled from having bipolar disorder without knowing I had bipolar disorder. Never seeming to be able to hold it together, I’d make big plans and watch them unravel as I sunk into despair, calling myself worthless as I cut myself off from the world, unable to enjoy the things I used to love. I was a high achiever and a perfectionist, which often caused me to not complete assignments and not show up to class because I wasn’t prepared. I used to wonder why everything was so hard for me. Why I couldn’t seem to just do the life thing correctly. By senior year I lost all my friends by neglect and barely graduated, having dropped out of all the higher level courses. The worst part was, I knew how smart I really was. I was the type to not show up to any of the lessons and ace the test.

I had gone to doctors before, concerned that I had ADHD. I knew that I had to have something. When they said they couldn’t diagnose me, I didn’t realize at the time how devastating it was, to think that I was normal, just stupid. I thought that for three years.

Then at the beginning of my junior year of college, after four consecutive semesters of not going to class or doing assignments, I fell apart. I didn’t have a job anymore, couldn’t afford rent or tuition. Meanwhile my classes had started and I was working on a charity project and a novel. But I was fine. I was used to stress and overload. This was always how it was with me. At the time, I remember I was full of energy all day long. I was hugely confident in myself, even though perhaps I had no reason to be. Then one day, my financial situation got to me and I plunged into the deepest depression of my life.

I remember feeling like a dark cloud settled down on me, and suddenly everything was so far away. I became a like a tiny person living inside my own skull, with no way to access the outside world. I remember feeling like God had left me. That was when the word bipolar floated into my mind. I realized what I had been struggling with my whole life. That was when I knew I’d have to drop out of school for a while. That I should have taken a break a long time ago.

I remembered how I felt the previous few weeks when I was manic. When the reward neurotransmitters took over and consumed my mind. I felt like Superman, hearing things from all over the world. It felt like I was invincible, like I was God’s chosen one. All the answers were coming at me and suddenly all the world made sense, even though nobody could understand me when I explained to them.

I remembered how I had gone into situations without thinking. How I had talked too loud, too fast, and about things that didn’t connect. I remembered people looking at me helplessly, like I was crazy. It scared me, how my mind could get away from me like that. How I could not be myself even though I never felt better. I recalled one thing after another that I had done that I regretted. I marveled at what had been going through my mind when my thoughts were racing and my brain was telling me to go full speed ahead. And the shame was enough to shut me out from the world once again, only this time it was much worse because I needed help.

After depression hit, I remember thinking I was close to death. It became difficult to do the simplest things like brush my teeth or put on clothes in the morning. It was like going from having the body of a five year old to that of a ninety-five year old. When I wasn’t sleeping, something was hurting.

I had arthritis at the age of twenty. Sudden weight loss: I had always been thin, but in a startling period of time the circumference of my thighs were cut down by half. Muscle weakness: sometimes it was hard to walk or hold a pen or take the lid off a tube of toothpaste. My skin flared up with eczema. I had crippling fatigue and would spontaneously have to lie down in the middle of the day and sleep for six hours. I lost memory. The worst part was the inability to focus, the major depression and anxiety. I hated not having control of my time and mood and ability to function every day. I couldn’t feel anything, and yet at the same time everything hurt.

I realized later that I suffered from rejection sensitive dysphoria. In other words, major depression triggered by perception of failure or rejection. This describes the pain I felt, how I couldn’t get some people out of my head, why I kept thinking thoughts that tore me up inside. During that time I dreamt about being in a house with my family with ravenous dogs tearing their way in. That was how I felt in my mind. Like I couldn’t hold up the fortress against all these people who expected me to be something I couldn’t be. I was scared to get rejected from jobs, from friends who couldn’t relate to what I was going through, from family who couldn’t see that I had a problem. Most overwhelmingly, I was scared of my own failure, which I reminded myself of on a consistent basis. It was RSD that caused me to stay in my apartment beating myself up for months.

Learning these triggers was a huge step in getting out of my patterns. I came out of that episode without the help of medication, by training my mind and applying health principles. It was hard, but now I understand failure and success to be two sides of the same coin. Now I speak more positively to myself, I know the importance of investing in my health and I’m working to improve every day.

The first medication I was on made me feel like I was under water. I couldn’t feel any emotion. I couldn’t write at all while I was taking it. It made my hands shake and made me feel like I was trudging through cement mix every morning. I wasted money on therapy which did nothing for my physical symptoms or my mood. I found that doctors treat symptoms, not problems. I came back to health because I found natural solutions that worked. Because I was tired of my old patterns, and I did something about them.

Nutrient therapy taught me how to uproot my health issues at their source. It was by reducing inflammation and replenishing the minerals that I was lacking that stabilized me. Though I take medication at a low dosage now because my genetic proclivities are risky to manage with certain lifestyle factors and not a lot of money, I’m glad I was able to see that a preventative approach is what is going to make me happy in the long term and help me reach my health goals for my brain and body.

I was able to feel how a bioavailable vitamin D combined with K2 works for when I wake up in the morning feeling like the world’s ending. Or how properly delivered calcium can bring me down when I have a lot of mental tension after a long shift at work. Or how magnesium clears my head and takes away the ringing in my ears. I watched the itchy red rash that covered my body fade almost overnight because of the right synergistic antioxidants, after a lifetime of trying to make it go away with doctors’ prescriptions. I saw myself achieve glowing skin, an easier time breathing and digesting, a better night’s rest.

This is the reason why I am creating this platform dedicated to wellness. I am committed to finding what works for me and to share all the information I know with you, and I am happy to share with you on my journey.

When I found out I had bipolar disorder, I thought it was something I was stuck with and would have to carry with me and suffer from for the rest of my life. I don’t believe that anymore. At first I took it as a confirmation that I didn’t have control over my life, but now I saw it gave me all the control. I thought it was the end of me and what I could do, but it was only the beginning. As my favorite functional neurologist Dr. Robert Zembroski says, your diagnosis is not your destiny.

Hope this helps.