Crazy
This shit is messed up. Life is messed up. What am I doing? Where am I going? How can I recover from this? It seems like nothing good is going to come.
“What happened, dude?” you might ask. The truth is: nothing specific happened. But I have this feeling, this emptiness, this solitude that keeps haunting me no matter where I go. It feels like I am alone and everything I do to try turn that loneliness to lower levels just fails and is inefficient.
I am forcing the responsibility of ensuring my happiness to other people, like it is their duty to make me feel better, or to care for me, when in reality I don’t even care about myself.
“I don’t care about myself”. I know how that sounds, like a suicidal depressed person talking, but that is not my case. I am not going to point a gun against my head, or to tie a knot around my neck, or anything like that. But I do hurt myself a little every once in a while. Not consciously, but sometimes deeply.
I am aggressive; I have rage bursts and punch walls and things. That happens when I am frustrated, and angry at others. Mainly it is at her. She has a way of getting to me. She sometimes blames me for stuff I wouldn’t like to be blamed for. But what she does only concerns her, so I will stay within the RodSphere (hehe).
I hate talking about myself. I hate sharing. I have been trying to schedule a psychologist so I can try and solve some of my issues. But secretly I just don’t want to share.
So I will start to write about these issues as an emergency measure. Let’s see if organizing all this thoughts on a logical sequence will help me to understand this craziness that is my head.
The first thing you need to know is I mix Portuguese and English all the time. It is unconscious and frequent. I think this mixture helps me bring more meaning into my speech, and allows me to express craziness with even more craziness. In a way that only the crazy ones will understand.
Crazy.
“Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes, the ones who see things differently. They are not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can’t do, is ignore them, because they change things. They push the human race forward and while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the only people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are those who do.”
I have always thought of myself as one of “The crazy ones”. As if I was so brilliant that normal beings not only didn’t understand me, but also were constantly trying to pull me down.
I don’t think that is true anymore. I think I am actually really average. Not a genius, not special, not anything. Is anyone actually special? There are some people who make a difference, but special and genius are too big of a word to be used to describe only making a difference.
Anyway, this average guy is on his personal journey to understand himself and his alleged craziness.

