Stop Seeking Validation & Approval from Others
We all want our ideas, decisions, accomplishments, opinions to be validated by others. After all, it stems from our childhood. When we achieved something as children, what’s the first thing we did? We looked at our parents for recognition that we did a good thing.
That’s validation, according to Dr. Karyn Hall, when our experience is recognized and accepted (validated) by another person. In healthy validation, we don’t agree or accept the other person’s thoughts as our own, but rather, we accept those thoughts and experiences as being valid. We simply recognize them.
Validation serves the primitive social needs to be part of a group. We rely on the feedback and encouragement of others in our tribe. In prehistoric days, we needed to be in a tribe to survive, so we sought the approval or validation of others to be in. Otherwise, we would get kicked out of the tribe, lose resources, be attacked, and die.
Validation is necessary even for the most independent person because we need in some parts of our lives. But when we are unable to get it from someone else, we can accept our own self-validation.Self-validation is the holy grail because we recognize our own internal experiences.
While validation is totally normal, the problem arises when self-validation is not possible or isn’t valued, when the need to be validated by others is so great that it gets in the way of our daily lives and who we actually are. And we see this a lot in social media and in relationships (both family and romantic).
URL & IRL
We’ve all done this: posted a photo on social media because “it didn’t happen unless it’s on the Gram” and then impatiently looking at our phones as if we can stare likes and comments into existence. You’re not alone, with over 3.2 billion people on social media everyday all around the world, that’s about 42% of the total world population. People are validating each other at rates that has never been seen before.
And in-person we may do anything to hear praise, acceptance, and acknowledgement from others in all parts of our lives that we reject anything that doesn’t receive immediate praise. But the problem is that some of the best things in life take time.
Effects
And you lose yourself in the opinions of others that you forget your true character and passions and you become a shell of a person as you try to become a person who’s constantly validated by our partner, parents, friends or strangers either online or in-person. This can create anxiety, depression and low-self-esteem, and love is replaced by the fear of not being recognized or praised.
How to break the addiction for validation from others
First, understand the type of validation you want.
- acknowledgment through social media
- hearing that you’re part of the group
- hearing that you’re the best employee, spouse, parent
Next, be mindful on the purpose of your actions. Recognize when you are seeking validation from an external source. Are you doing this because you want to or because you want to be the praise?
- If social media is your poison, consider taking a social media break. Then you won’t find youself comparing to others or being stressed about how your post is being seen and received by others.
- Track your progress and journal your improvements. Life is about progress, not perfection. Then look through these journal entries to see how far you’ve come. These are self-validations, and, like a muscle, the more you validate your abilities and talents, the stronger your self-validation skills will be.
- Seek validation from within first and don’t ask for validation. And when you get encouragement or acknowledgement, recognize it and then move on. Don’t continue to focus on it or seek out others for validation.
- See the illusion. You may think that if you don’t post and get likes, you’ll die a social death. But are you really going to die if someone doesn’t give you validation? Your ego is twisting the prehistoric need for validation to fit our modern times. So no longer are we going to die a physical death, but a social death. That’s an illusion. Recognize that your ego is exacerbating this need for validation, making you think that you’ll experience a social death if you don’t get that recognition. But in fact your ego is simply restless as it tries to find a problem where there isn’t any. Fear of social death is just an illusion in the world we live in now. You have to train your ego to live in peace.
- Train your ego with journaling, meditation, and prayer.Remind yourself, you will not die if someone doesn’t compliment you or if your husband doesn’t do this or that.
- Give yourself permission. In the past, you would seek permission with validation. It’s as if you’re asking others, Is this okay? May I do this? But in reality, you don’t need this validation from others. You are free to follow your heart’s desires. There is no danger.
Learn to look within yourself for validation. You are already complete, and your journey is unique to you. And it is your birthright to follow it through.
Sources:
- Kary Hall, P. (2012, February 3). The Emotionally Sensitive Person. https://blogs.psychcentral.com/emotionally-sensitive/2012/02/levels-of-validation/
- Tjepkema, L. (2019). Top 5 Social Media Predictions for 2019. https://www.emarsys.com/resources/blog/top-5-social-media-predictions-2019/)
