Improving My Relationship with Money

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For the first time in months, I sat down and looked at my financial accounts. I’ve been finding every excuse in the book to not look at them.

• Cook even though my fridge was full.
• Wash the curtains that were still clean
• Walk in the park despite the rainy weather

But now, no excuses. Today is adulting day and I have to see how my money is looking.

So I opened up my money tracker and everything looked alright. Nothing was red, but it wasn’t exactly green. So I researched what constitutes a healthy financial portfolio and habits keep it green and healthy.

My Relationship with Money

The healthiest relationships consist of transparency, date night, and shared responsibility. So since my relationship was lacking, I reviewed my relationship with money through this lens.

Transparency

Every healthy relationship is based on transparency and honesty, and with money, it’s no different. So I asked myself these questions to be honest with myself on money and the role I want it to play in my life.

1. What purpose would money serve me?
2. How is my current situation?
3. What is budget and goals?
4. What’s my strategy with friends and family?

For me, money was not a goal. Its value was tied on how it would help me achieve my goals.

Money is a tool, a means to an end if you will.

However, I had to be honest with my current situation. I’m a single independent woman in her mid-30s in New York City in the middle of a pandemic. So I would be unmarried and not have kids for some time. It’s not what I planned, but here we are. And the faster I came to terms with that, the quicker I got to see its value. While I had no one to rely on, I also had no one to worry about but my self.

My future was mine alone to plan.

With this candid look at my values and my financial future, I then set out to plan my budget and financial goals. For me, money is only a tool, so what are my dreams and how can my finances help me get there?

Lastly, I thought long and hard about my friends and family. Certified financial planner Mary Beth Storjohann advises that it’s best to treat money given to friends and family as a gift, and not as a loan. I took on that belief! And wow! What a relief it provided. Now I could factor on those F&F gifts in my budget. So if someone asked and it didn’t fit in my budget, I apologetically declined.

Storjohann also recommends identifying financial frenemies, which are:

1. The Entitled Frenemy. “Can you pick up the tab? Just this one time!”
2. The Budget-Buster. “You should buy it — treat yourself!”
3. The One-Upper. “You got a $100 gift card as a holiday gift from work? Nice. I got a $10,000 raise during my annual review.”
4. The Priers. “How much do you make? How much did that cost you?”
5. The Green-Eyed Monster. “Must be nice that you can afford such a big house.”
6. The FOMO Frenemy. “You can spend your money just this once!”

Living in New York City, I have collected quite a few FOMO Frenemies. So I made a list of all of them and practiced in the mirror how to say no to them. So when the real ask happened, I was ready to gracefully say no.

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But online shopping was not helping. During this pandemic, Amazon Prime was my bestie. He came every week bearing gifts. But those gifts cost me. I was shopping when I was bored to fill the lonely time at home. And some were status purchases for my high life after covid. As if! In reality, I was stressed with the current pandemic and its many unknowns and I was desperately holding onto my life pre-covid, and online shopping is such an easy fix for my anxiety. But my credit card statement was a rude reality check. It was an expensive bandaid to a long-term issue.

I learned to shop shopping. I implemented no-spend days, weeks, then months. In those no-spend days, I replaced shopping with healthier anxiety-relieving activities, like:

• reading a fun romance novel
• journaling
• writing on Medium
• cooking
• organizing my digital files in Google Drive and EverNote
• exercise
• cleaning and decluttering
• improving my schedule and task list
• picking up new hobbies
• joining Facebook groups for these new hobbies.
• taking an online course

Date Night

In any relationship, date night is where couples build on their spiritual and physical connection. It’s a time to reflect, catch up, and keep it fresh.

With money, “date night” is every Sunday morning. I do a weekly review of my accounts and I update my portfolio with new investments or much needed accounts.

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To ensure that my financial portfolio is complete, I follow investment expert Joshua Kennon recommendation of what makes up a complete financial portfolio.

• Completing a balance sheet
• Contributing to your retirement account at work
• Paying off credit card debt
• Opening a Roth IRA
• Purchasing a home
• Building a 6-month emergency fund
• Looking into other investment
• Investing in your work and finances via education.

And in my first money date, I realized that I was missing both a Roth IRA, a home, and an emergency fund. Because I live in a rent-stabilized apartment in New York City, purchasing a home is not a necessity. But a Roth IRA and an emergency fund are two things my portfolio lacked. So I spent my second and third money date researching and opening those accounts.

If I didn’t take the time to review my portfolio and research what it needed to be complete, I would be happy but ignorant of my lackluster portfolio and that it didn’t reflect my values of money being a tool and reserve for the future.

On money date night, I also think of any times I crossed my money boundaries and I reflect:

1. What money boundary did I cross?
2. Why did I overstep my boundary?
3. How can I get back on course?

While this reflection has little to do with my financial position, I have found that it has helped me understand why I cross my boundaries, how to return to my plan without fret. In addition, by doing this reflection every week it keeps mindful of my money boundaries. I realized that when I break my money boundaries, it’s mostly to keep up with the fast paced lifestyle of New York City or to give off a certain image that I thought was required here.

Money is tied to our mental state.

If we don’t address what drives our money behaviors, our resolutions will only be words and numbers on paper. But by addressing what we’re thinking and feeling, we can make our money habits stick for a long time and thus become a lifestyle.

Sharing Responsibility

Managing my finances all alone is difficult. Life happens as we all know, and it’s easy to forget the small important details. And one of the things I dread the most is logging into my many accounts. There aren’t just bank accounts; there’s also all the expenses I take care of online like utilities, my cell phone, apartment rent, etc. So I use one tool and one strategy to keep my relationship with money as easy and stress-free as possible.

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One strategy I have started using to simplify my finances is to pay myself first. I do that by automating my savings, credit card payments, contributions to financial goals, and payments for recurring expenses. That way both present and future me are always taken care of with peace of mind. You set it and forget (sort of).

I use Mint.com to track my accounts. I entered all of my accounts (bank, retirement, and investment accounts, as well credit card accounts) and my budget and goals. I charge most of my purchases and expenses on my debit or credit card. And those transactions, along with those in my retirement and investment accounts appear in Mint. So on my money date nights, I simply go on to Mint and review my transactions to see if they’re accurate and if they’re aligned with my budget and goals. Thus, my finances become a reflection of my finances.

Resources

• Joshua Kennon, “Steps to Building a Complete Financial Portfolio,” https://www.thebalance.com/building-complete-financial-portfolio-357968
• Kat Brancato, “Bad Money Habits To Drop, Good Money Habits To Build,” https://www.clevergirlfinance.com/blog/money-habits/
• Jeff Rose, “27 Good Financial Habits You Need for Ultimate Financial Success,” https://www.goodfinancialcents.com/good-financial-habits/
• Mary Beth Storjohann, “How to Set Better Money Boundaries,” https://workablewealth.com/2019/06/12/how-to-set-better-money-boundaries/