Toxic Relationships

This article is part of a series on how to deal with toxic people. The last article was about toxic people and their red flags. You can find it here.

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She may have a personality disorder, my therapist said. A narcissist or a psychopath.

A psychopath? That’s a word I’ve heard so often. Books have been written, movies have been made. We all know the famous movie Psycho. And that word is thrown about during moments of anger and arguments. But what is a psychopath?

My therapist repeated, your mom may have a personality disorder. Her mood swings, her lies, her manipulation. They suggest a personality disorder.

She’s right about the mood swings. My childhood is punctured by clear memories of her swift changes from excitement to comments that tore my heart apart. And her lies were as rampant as her manipulations to isolate me from others (so she maintains a prominent role in my attention, in my life). I attributed our troubled relationship to the typical tribulations of a mother -daughter relationship. But everytime i recount a childhood memory and my therapists shock would seep through her typically composed face, and then i would realize with relief that i wasn’t crazy. That in fact my anxiety, my depression, and my inability to trust had a cause.

And I had to know this cause, its effects, so i could fight the nightmares and their cause. So in this article, let’s explore: What does a toxic relationship look like? (both intimate and friendship)

The relationship cycle of a toxic individual typically has three stages: Idealize, Devalue, and Discard.

Let’s see what does each stage look like and the manipulation strategies a toxic individual uses.

1. Idealize

Early on, they will put you up on a pedestal and sing you praises all day and all night. They may say, “Wow, I’ve never met someone as beautiful, smart, meticulous, sweet…” and fill in the blank with positive traits they characterize you. They love that red shirt you wear often. They love all the books and shows you watch. They will be fastest bff you’ve ever made, sending you good morning and good night text messages. It resembles “love bombing” in dating. The friendship or relationship is moving so fast, but you don’t mind. All this positivity and loyalty can’t be bad, right.

How do they do this? Their manipulation strategies / Signs of manipulation:

• Love-bombing. When you first meet, things move extremely fast. They tell you how much they have in common with you — how perfect you are for them. Like a chameleon, they mirror your hopes, dreams, and insecurities in order to form an immediate bond of trust and excitement. They constantly initiate communication and seem to be fascinated with you on every level. On social media, they might fill your newsfeed or inbox it with songs, compliments, poems, and inside jokes.
• Compares you to everyone else. They compare you to ex-lovers, friends, family members, and your eventual replacement. When idealizing, they make you feel special by telling you how much better you are than these people. Later, in the devaluing stage, they use these comparisons to make you feel jealous and inferior.
• 24/7 isolation. They becomes your entire life. You’re spending more of your time with them and their friends, and less time with your own circle. All you can think and talk about is them. You cancel plans with others, isolate yourself, and eagerly wait by the phone for their next communication. All to ensure that you’re available for them. For some reason, the relationship seems to involve a lot of sacrifices on your end, but very few on theirs.

2. Devalue

As high as they put you on that pedestal, they’ll soon bring you down. All those lovely remarks they said about you, now they’re replaced with some of the rudest remarks.

• “Ugh, why do you always wear that red shirt? Don’t you have anything else to wear?”
• “You are too nice! And you talk too much? Do you have to be friends with everyone you meet?”

Some “savvy” toxic individuals may not say it to your face. Instead, they’ll share these remarks with a shared acquaintance knowing it’ll get back to you (see “backstabbing gossip” in the Red Flags section above)

What happened to your bff, who loved everything about you? Your mind is spinning with questions. Did you hurt them? And you try to win back their approval. You may buy some new clothes. Talk less to strangers. Anything and everything to bring back your bff. But in the meantime your self-worth is being chipped away by their negative remarks and your attempts for validation. And they’re thriving on your need for closure. They’ll humiliate you, shame you, prey on your forgiveness, manipulate your compassion and exploit your sympathy to control you.

How do they do this? Their manipulation strategies / Signs of manipulation:

• Pathological lying and excuses. They will constantly lie and blame others. When aught, they express no remorse or embarrassment.
• Focus on your mistakes. They’ll zoom in on the errors of your ways but ignore their own. In the long run, you might adopt perfectionist qualities because any mistake you make will be used against you.
• Selfishness and an insatiable thirst for attention. They constantly demand adoration.
• Feelings Accusation. They accuse you of feeling emotions that they are intentionally provoking.
• Any fight could be your last. Normal couples argue to resolve issues, but toxic individuals make it clear that negative conversations (especially about their behavior) will jeopardize the relationship. If you try to improve communication, you will get the silent treatment. Accordingly, you apologize and forgive quickly so they don’t lose interest in you. So you fear any argument could mean the end of the relationship.
• Erode your boundaries. They wear down your boundaries by:

1. criticizing you with a condescending joking sort of attitude.
2. smirking when you try to express yourself.
3. teasing as their main mode of communication.
4. subtly belittling your intelligence and abilities (if you point this out, they call you sensitive or crazy).

As a result of your boundaries crumbling down, you may begin to feel resentful and upset. But you learn to push away those feelings to maintain peace.

• Withhold attention and undermine your self esteem. Early on, they showered you with nonstop attention and admiration. But now, that’s changed. They suddenly seem completely bored by you. They treat you with silence and become very annoyed that you’re interested in continuing the passionate relationship that they created. You begin to feel like a chore to them.
• Mind Reading. They expect you to read their mind. If they stop communicating with you for several days, it’s your fault for not knowing about the plans they never told you about. There will always be an excuse that makes them out to be the victim to go along with this. They make important decisions about your relationship and they inform everyone but you.
• Provokes jealousy and rivalries while maintaining their cover of innocence. What happened to the attention they directed to you? They’ve withdrawn it and are focusing on other people. They do things that constantly make you doubt your place in their heart. On social media, they’ll bait previously denounced exes with old songs, photos, and inside jokes. They attend to the “competition’s” activity and ignore yours. It’s incredibly confusing.
• The qualities they once claimed to admire about you suddenly become glaring faults. At first, they appealed to your deepest vanities and vulnerabilities. They observed and mimicked exactly what they think you want to hear. But after you’re hooked, they start to use these things against you. You spend more and more time trying to prove yourself worthy to the very same person who once said you were perfect.
• Triangulation. They surround themselves with former lovers, potential friends, and anyone else who provides them with attention. This includes people that the they backstabbed, denouncing and declaring you superior to. This makes you feel confused and creates the perception that the psychopath is in high demand at all times.
• Covert abuse.Through personalized idealization and subtle devaluation, a toxic individual can effectively erode the identity of any chosen target. From an outsider’s perspective, you will appear to have “lost it,” while the psychopath calmly walks away, completely unscathed.
• Pity plays and sympathy stories. Their bad behavior always has sob-story roots. They claim to behave this way because of an abusive ex, an abusive parent, or an abusive cat. They say that all they want is some peace and quiet. They say they hate drama — and yet there’s more drama surrounding them than anyone you’ve ever known.
• Gaslighting and crazy making. They’ll deny their manipulative behavior and say it’s your fault for sensitive or crazy, suggesting that the problem isn’t the abuse itself but instead your reactions to it.
• You feel on edge with them, but you still want them to like you. You find yourself writing off most of their contentious behavior as accidental or insensitive, since you’re in constant competition with others for their attention and praise. They don’t seem to care when you leave their side; they can easily move on to the next source of energy.

3. Discard / Toxic Fallout

They may suddenly leave you high and dry, as they idealize or lovebomb their next victim. Your attempts for approval proved worthless. Your mind is left spinning with the fast-paced relationship and how quickly things changed from great to horrible. Your identity and boundaries seemed to have eroded, and and all those things you loved but they devalued, you become numb to them.

Signs of manipulation:

Your feelings. Your natural love and compassion has transformed into overwhelming panic and anxiety. In fact, a toxic people can uproot your life when they introduce the new anxiety of:

• constantly worrying that any mistake could be the end of your relationship
• regaining your place by your partner’s side as you desperately compare yourself to others

You apologize and cry more than you ever have in your life. You barely sleep, and you wake up every morning feeling anxious and unhinged. You have no idea what happened to your old relaxed, fun, easygoing self. After a run-in with a toxic individual, you will feel insane, exhausted, drained, shocked, and empty. You tear apart your entire life — spending money, ending friendships, and searching for some sort of reason behind it all.

In the last article of our series, let’s discuss how to heal from toxic relationships. You can find it here.

Sources & Resources

If your physical or emotional safety are at risk in a relationship, make sure you check out these resources that you can read and learn of ways out.

• Codependent No More, a book by Melody Beattie, 1986. https://amzn.to/3qjZvBy
• Moving Beyond Betrayal, Vicki Tidwell Palmer, 2016. https://amzn.to/2N47wMD
• Psychopath Free, a book by Jackson MacKenzie, 2015. https://amzn.to/2XFPL8p
• “10 Toxic People You Should Avoid At All Costs” by Travis Bradberry at Forbes, 2015. https://www.forbes.com/sites/travisbradberry/2015/11/10/10-toxic-people-you-should-avoid-at-all-costs/?sh=33df3a2561db
• “22 Standout Groups Stopping Domestic Violence”by Laura Newcomer at Greatist, 2019, https://greatist.com/happiness/stop-domestic-violence-organizations
• “3 Signs a Person with Toxic Qualities Is Manipulating You (and What to Do About It)” by Kari Langslet at Greatist, 2020. https://greatist.com/live/dealing-with-a-toxic-person#So,-what-exactly-makes-a-person-toxic

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