Maidof, First Entry

Maidof — First Entry

My head is killing me. It would be acceptable for me to say it’s the aftermath of battle but I admit I had a few too many Bantha Burners at the cantina last night. It was for a good cause though; we’d knocked off not one, not two, but three epic enemies, on three different planets, in the stretch of one long evening. I’ll be straight, too — there’s nothing like knocking off enemies and then knocking back a few drinks with friends, old and new, to keep one’s mind out of the black hole that comprises my inner thoughts of late.

Truth is, I’m ashamed. If Kira were around, I wouldn’t have to explain it to her; she’d understand and we’d just smile, knowing the unsaid. Ugh, but not only is she gone (along with everyone else, sans Teeseven, bless him), but there’s no Master Satele to consult, no Jedi Council. Not even Master Orgus’s ghost seems to want to chat, and I so need to do that. Letting the emperor into my head once? Understandable. But twice? And now not being able to boot him out completely? It’s ridiculous. I should be stripped of my lightsaber, tossed into a holding cell for observation, but instead they pat me on the back and call me “Commander.” Unbelievable.

Okay, so it appears I’m writing about two separate things here…. Let’s see if I can consolidate them a bit. The emperor first. Call him what you like, Vitiate, Valkorion, he’s the same evil jerk, and yes, he’s in my brain. But it’s not like he’s controlling me — more like he’s taking up a little nook, watching and waiting. He doesn’t bother me often but when he does it’s annoying as anything, and honestly I wonder if I’d do the galaxy a service by slicing my own head open (what stops me? I think it may not be enough to kill him for good, and at least I know where he is right now). He says he wants to help me, but he’s only trying to use me for his own ends. Besides, until he showed up five years ago, I still had my crew, my Padawan, a home… a Republic to defend. Technically it was his son Arcann who took it all away from me, but I know who’s to blame at heart, and I will not rest til the galaxy is free of that selfish tyrant.

So yes I have some unresolved anger. If it clashes with my light side training, so be it — at least I acknowledge it rather than let it consume me. And at least I want to constructively act, not out of anger or vengeance but out of the compassion I feel for my fellow citizens. I never claimed to be a perfect Jedi, only an effective one. One does not make the rank of Battlemaster by playing miss nice Zabrak.

At any rate, the point I was originally going to make when I sat down to make this entry was, last night was at once the most danger I’d willingly subjected myself to in a long time and the most fun I’ve had in forever. It started when I was on Coruscant (sad place there now, believe me, and no I don’t want to discuss it) and heard some people, frightened, talking about a giant rogue droid. Well of course I wasn’t going to leave that uninvestigated! So I recruited a few able-seeming allies, called up a couple of guildies, and we took it down. Not easily, there were injuries, but at least nobody died. We all got to talking and decided that, hey, why not take advantage of our strength and take care of a few more baddies that were wreaking havoc out there — one on Tatooine, one on Nar Shadda. So we hopped into the Defender and sought them out (easy enough to find; look for the people who were scared shitless running away and go in the direction from which they came).

Mind you, these weren’t typical bad guys. They were giants, first of all, easily the size of ten people. And they had vicious attacks and defense mechanisms. I couldn’t even tell you how many times I got stunned, kicked back, pulled in and wrung out, but I’m rather used to that as my specialty is keeping the enemy busy while my less hardy friends kick the snot out of him. It was slow going, but we prevailed, and ended up at the Slippery Slopes Cantina on Nar Shadda. I invited the gang over to the apartment the Steeles keep nearby and the party went on for… I don’t know how long, I fell asleep at some point. But the upshot of it is, I made new friends. They even joined our guild, readily agreeing that our cause is worth supporting.

It was only one night and three small victories in the face of all that stands before me, but it was heartening. It’s nice to get that little boost of confidence and friendship in the midst of all the doom and gloom in my life as it is right now. I’ll take the little bits of good — they are, after all, what make facing the evil worth it in the end. I suppose they’re even worth the trashed apartment now confronting me…. Now, where is that protocol droid?