“Why didn’t/don't you call me?”
Hearing that question a lot, prompted this written expression and release. As I have become more self aware and reflective, I’ve been cognizant and conscious of the actions/behaviors/impostions of others regarding dealings/interactions with me. Thus my need to address such a selfish question that always provokes such a loaded response. So it is in this medium I chose to release my response for those who wish to know the answer I don’t readily give when asked.
My most immediate answer to that questions is “trust.” But it usually comes out of my lips in the formed statement, “I am not going to reach out to people because I am a private person.” Both of which are true statements of my character. However, the adjective “private person” definitely is the best way to subtly tell people that "I don’t trust you enough to catch a tear, call without judgment, support me when you haven’t before, or be the first person I call when you don’t even do that which you ask.” Telling me to take an action that is conveniently removing you from obligation yet insinuating that you’re readily available, encourages me to do work for a friendship you claim to be offering, unwilling to match. One-Sided. Rather than telling me, "I’m sorry I’ve never called you to even check up on you. I should do better", most in turn, instruct for you, no matter whatever state you’re in, to do more emotional/physical work for those too lazy to do themselves. Once again, not assuming responsibility and displacing it on me to maintain an unresponsive engagement of sorts.
While I’ve actively have had to work for/towards all of my relationships whether they were familial, platonic, or romantic, I quite frankly have little to no motivation to continue to work for relationships that have yielded no returns, emotionally/physically/mentally/spiritually/energetically/financially. While relationships for other people come effortless/seamless/“natural”, relationships have always been work for me. Familially, I’ve had to prove to my family that I am not my father, though I am his seed. Growing up with people who could only see the hurt caused by another being, I was never treated like a “sister” or a sibling. Never provoked curiosity in them to get to know me as a person. Only incited more anger when I fought back and didn’t settle on being mistreated due to his actions. Always desiring a genuine connection with them, yet denied such a connection because I was “too much of my father.” With a mother who did her best to mimic the very treatment received from the matriarch that raised her, she was incapable of having emotional connectivity and a basic understanding of human connection, establishing a healthy foundation of what a relationship should be. Never having the genuine connection with either her mother or her grandmother, she was never taught to console or comfort, but to muscle through and get over it, because there wasn’t a place for emotionalisms. Needless to say, it was passed on and my eldest siblings didn’t learn anything different, lacking connections to each other and myself. Thus stemming the understanding and acceptance of being the “black sheep” of my family. Never accepted. Never understood. Never heard. Aways in some way, mistreated and simply, tolerated.
So you’re suppose to learn how to develop, foster, and maintain relationships from the tools instilled and gained from your familial relationships. Yeah, not me. Growing up in toxicity and emotionally ineptness, I tried to "make friends”. School and church was that place to attempt to have a different experience from what I was receiving from my only family. Yet children are/were no different in accepting someone who is “weird”, unable to see that not everyone has their tools instilled by their parents. Abstrusely, these children became an extension of the very treatment of my family. I began to unconsciously “work” for my relationships, to want to be accepted, to be included, to matter. But my work was never enough and yielded me the acceptance of being "different.” Not only being the black sheep of my family but now becoming the weirdo of school. Cool. I owned it and would rather stand alone they try to fit in with people who could careless about me. With such ownership, came a sense of pride in my movement not to fit in or be a crowd follower and the start of a “loner” life. What really onset the loner life was the underlying exhaustion that pulled at my spirit to stop trying so hard. Yet, unconsciously it was a mask to what was truly a pain I had no control over, imposed from the dealings I had with others, and one that was constant.
“Why can’t I make friends?” “Why doesn’t anyone want to be my friend?” “What’s wrong with me?”
Doing my best with what I had and had learned from people interactions, I always seemed to lack the tools/skills/capacities to be “normal" or have normal interactions. Very often misunderstood and very often tolerated, I clung to those who took any sort of liking to me because I didn’t want to lose the connection I’ve longed and/or worked hard for. Often times, overdoing it/doing to much/suffocating the very relationship I yearned for. Of course, the more I worked to prove that I was a worthy friend, the more an individual would least value my efforts and retract/distance themselves. Now derives “Ghosting”. Not understanding what was happening or the ensued separation, I thought working harder would discourage the silence and reactivate the connection I thought we had. But of course, that’s not what will ever bring a person back who decided to quit on you. Finally realizing that a person has now ceased to exist in your life, a “hole” has now been created in a place where you were trying to fill an already evident void. All of this work I had done, all of this effort I had put forth, all of this energy I had spent, all of this importance I’d given, all of this… wasted and irrelevant. Where does one replenish from such a dispelling activity of getting to know and friending an individual who now sees no value in you and may have never valued you? One goes back to retreat to the life that prevented such a disruption, such a regret of waste, such an unnecessary bout of emotions.
Perceptibly, I was not familiar with or have yet to be introduced to sociology. Unable to find understanding why this interaction yielded me such, I delve into a downward spiral of self blame, sabotage, and judgment. No therapist and no clear way of navigating the emotionalisms of my interactions, spending a large amount of time bottling and subsiding my true emotions. So not only does “loner life” continue, but it comes with a companion when you try to leave it for unworthy people. Alleah meet Depression. Depression meet Alleah. Oh but how does one who is raised in a church that doesn’t acknowledge let alone address mental illness, deal with this untitled emotion that is quite constant and quite debilitating? Look to God. Become religious. Use the fables as examples to navigate your feelings and emotions. God will always accept you when his children don’t/won’t/can't. Praying to him will comfort you and make you feel loved. Yet, it was a mental conditioning that an imaginary character in someone’s story would replace the human connection and interaction I and hundreds of others were incapable of giving to one another. It was lies to convince yourself to believe in rather than face the genuine feeling that has taken root in your being. So begins, comfort lies to distract you from the truth of it all. Thought I had a mask before, but nothing like this new mask called religion because this is all that surrounded you and it was such a convinced truism for everyone. You can’t be crazy if everyone is doing the same thing to cope with their shit. But you would be crazy if you didn’t follow the conditioning instilled on a people as a tool to navigate this life.
Deep-seated in my person, I never settled for other people’s truisms and always possessed a curiosity about life and the information taught to me. Guessing behind my movement not to follow the crowd, I indirectly activated, yet surpassed, my individuality and inability to be a sheeple. Still desperate to find what I have yet to experience in 13 years of my life (not counting my first 3 years of life), I fervently sought refugee in a far off place called college. I head upstate New York to RIT, yet, to a school to which my brother attended and appealed to me for 3 reasons: Sign Language, Snow, and Far Away from the Families. Even now knowing why at 11 I bought a sign language book to teach myself sign language to communicate with people who only knew sign language, it was a secret language and apparently, English wasn’t helping me much in dealing with people. Despite such a reason, college was no different of an experience and further served as an extension of what I had been experiencing in my childhood and adolescent life. I join a sorority because of a single day, my interview. This interview was with my soon-to-be sorority sisters. I watched them interact with each other and yearned for their kind of friendship, but mostly, their kind of “sisterhood”. Coming from a familial absent upbringing and, little to their knowledge, that such an absence was a driving force in many of my decisions with people, I watched in adoration and became driven to make water my blood, since blood had proven to be thinner than water. Able to witness such an interaction amongst them because I didn’t really exist to them in that room and this was their way of lessening the engagement required to “get to know” me, this new stranger who wanted what they had. They had a friendship amongst themselves to which was a magnet for me to once again, want to be included, to matter, to be a friend.
Eleven years. My longest commitment to proving my worth to a group of individuals. Shy of “de-lettering”, I quit and retracted all effort, energies, monies, and acknowledgements eleven years after I joined. I reflected on my efforts and realized that not one person I would spend money, time, or energy on would even pick up and reciprocate the very same offering I gave them. Cooking meals, traveling to see/visit with people, showing people support, donating money, and the list goes on. All left the biggest resentment when I faced a fact that when I was hungry, I was never offered but had to ask. When I was alone, no one picked up to travel to me or support me. Hell, asking for money was pointless and needed an pleading for anyone to feel the slightest bit motivated to aid. Here I am reflecting on the many things I did to show my worth and value, and not one person truly cared for me as a person, yet happily accepted my offering. I felt the most broken and the most insignificant that none of my efforts yield one true lasting friendship that truly accepted me for who I was. Yet this weekend, my decision to be alone was challenged by the mere questions, “why didn’t/don’t you call?” I was reminded that I possess no true friendships with those I once revered or desired to be friends with. Yet, I am the one always left with the charge to “Keep In Touch.” You know what that statement says to me. "Yes, Alleah continue to reach out to us and continue to work for a unrequited relationship. Continue to seek support or acknowledgement of your existence by dispelling more energy that yielded you nothing in past attempts. Continue to convince and prove to me that you matter and that I should care. Continue to feel the loneliness I impose from my silence, absence, and/or lack of care. Continue to give me energy I have yet to show you. Continue to thirst for the reciprocity, when I’ve only tolerated you as just a moment and never anything else.”
Since discontinuing my activity with church and the sorority, I have magnetically pulled to me the tools to which I’ve lacked for so long on understanding self, situationships with people, places, and events, and how we can all exist together. My path lead me to yoga to which I was gifted another family, but by this time was incapable of receiving because of my previous void-filling activities and the genuine human nature of people. However, yoga did more for my consciousness and helped me to become more aware of my impact and the world around me. Never being a blamer of sorts to people, places, or things around me, the yogic journey allowed me to find more acceptance and openness in my heart for the unconscious, yielding a more present peace with people, events, and places in and on my journey. Introspection meet Alleah. Alleah meet Introspection. The healthier side of the loner life. Being in the midst of much but not attaching to anything, while understanding the connection to all things. Finally detaching from the need/longing/lusting/yearning of the things and people that at one point I felt would complete me, I was able to truly find a peace in my place in this walk. Having people constantly tell me that I needed to love myself, let God love me, needed time to heal, or [Fill in whatever statement of extrospection people feed you when they lack understanding of who you genuinely are], I’ve truly come to grips with speaking my truth so that people will understand me and will never be mistaken/assumptive as to who I am.
Vulnerability begets vulnerability, which yields the foundation of genuineness, acceptance, trust, and friendship. One cannot have a friendship without trust and trust cannot be given when their is reluctancy, mistreatment/mishandling, and judgement. Despite all of the mishandlings I’ve experienced over my journey, it was when I didn’t speak my truth and received what people gave that I was the saddest. I am quite aware of the magnitude of my heart and the capacities of my character. However, it was and has never been my purpose in life to convince people of my worth and the scope and dynamic of who I am. While my consciousness has not been shared by many and forges sometimes a greater separation from those familiar with my old person, I, even now, remain an open person available to those who wish to enter. Spending 30 years of my life chasing/appeasing/yearning for people, it is now that I find my absolution in living my life absent of thirst-driven behaviors. I’ve worked hard for relationships that don’t exist and/or left imprints of regret/remorse. Understanding the countless efforts and attempts I’ve made over my life to “make friends”, my spirit and being honor those who enter and find a seat at my table to dine with me, offering themselves to such an open heart. Never will a willingness to exist in my life be shunned/disregarded/displaced/misunderstood/[Fill in the bestowed actions and emotions received from my willingness and openness], for I know what it feels like to be mistreated/treated/mishandled.
I am Alleah Erica Clarke and the dynamic of the being behind that name is too vast for the convincing of each soul who crosses my path. Those who understand the value of a life and all it has to offer will understand that there is value in truly being open to walking alongside someone on their journey, whether family, friend, lover, partner, or child, bearing witness to them as a person. So I release this expression for those who are along for the ride and desire to know the truest answer to the aforementioned questions. I am tired of working/proving/chasing relationships and wish to have more genuine connections with people. Rather than alienating myself, cutting people off, or [Fill in any exiling-like behavior], I share my experience and hope that it finds understanding and empathy. Because bitterness has no space in my growth as a person, I expose the unspoken words that have been hidden behind my actions/decisions/choices. You all deserve my truth and that is who I am and what I live.
#Alleahisms
