How I Conquered Fragility
My journey towards chasing goals with my sanity intact
Fear of being average, not growing in life, or fear of stagnation is a common pattern among accomplished working professionals. Brownie points if we express it at an expensive coffee shop sipping on some matcha.
What we do
We go on to read all those self-help books: Atomic Habits, Sapiens, Greatness Guide, Psychology Of Money, Ikigai — the usual. Now, we go on to think that we have this edge over other people because we feel very intellectual. “Wow, we are so learned”, we praise each other and ourselves. These books are good ones but too much self-help is self-destruction.
What we do next
Next, we move to life coaching sessions. Personal coach, productivity coach, and every other coach under the sun. There begins the cycle of toxic positivity where these coaches make us believe that anything and everything we think is possible. They teach us how to be practical and become the CEO of Google. If you want to get there, you’ll find ways. Else, you’ll find excuses, they preach.
We hate being average
Average is just a measure of performance at that point in our life, in that specific task, and not the defining character of our life when viewed as a whole. Everybody has a skill set that’s unique to them. Professional success is balderdash if we don’t have an identity outside of it. Determining our self-worth based on one area of our life can be so life-altering should something go wrong. Even a hiccup will seem like a heart attack or even worse — ‘average performance’. This obsession with toxic productivity and wanting to leave a legacy behind is more about ego and less about the actual contribution. Even Robin Sharma changed his mind to say that legacy is a waste of time!
What happened at my therapist’s office
“Why do I have this need to read self-help and work on myself constantly?”, I asked my therapist.
“You’re fragile, Viraja”, she replied.
That sentence there, it changed my life.
My unstable childhood with hidden abandonment issues created a meritorious student in me, where the validation came only through good marks and feedback from my professors at medical school! Instead of letting myself feel the stress and pain (which are normal to feel as a human being), I blocked med school burnout by turning towards self-improvement and rationalization. Outside of this professional chase, I felt insecure!
What are secure people doing really?
They are reading fiction, eating ice creams, and playing fetch with their dogs. They are busy being happy. They are busy being sad. They are busy being bitchy. They are busy living life and experiencing it as it comes. They probably read one or two self-help books, which helps them develop the skill set they need at that point in life.
How to be them?
Drink a glass of water, quit social media, get away from the noise, confide in a friend/therapist, and cry out loud. Have sad days, start painting again, read Erich Segal’s books, and watch Bridgerton. Do all the buffoonery that gives you momentary happiness and nothing else.
Is it possible to achieve big goals while being sane?
Absolutely. If one has demonstrated competence previously or believes in his/her caliber without being delusional, it’s possible to achieve goals. However, it’s important to determine if we’re capable of stretching beyond our innate ability at that point in time. Our mind and body although interconnected, are two separate entities, and bodily readiness is often underestimated by a motivated mind. When I learned about this, I found answers to why on many days, I was unable to accomplish my daily number of solving 40 questions despite being highly motivated. Sometimes, it’s not laziness, it’s burnout.
After I began to chase my (big) professional goals at my own pace, I began to heal. My body can now keep up with the tantrums my mind throws at it.
If you’re like me
This is your reminder to reconsider that inhumane timeline you’ve set for yourself and introspect if you’ve stopped living life in the process.
