I’m So Afraid of Losing You
Would you really listen if I told you how I felt?
Last night, I told you I was tired.
I’ll talk to you tomorrow, I said.
When you said, ‘Don’t get annoyed again,’ I felt a little part of me break.
Just like it did on our lunch date a few days ago.
I wanted to switch seats, get a table in a little corner so we could be by ourselves. You argued for the comfort of the sofa at our present seat. That annoyed me a bit, I’ll be honest.
I’m a little spoilt, I’ll be super honest. I’m used to getting what I want. Blame it on being a single daughter with a Dad who doted on everything she said.
‘You’re always annoyed, man,’ you complained.
It was the tone. There went another little crack. You make me feel like a nuisance some days.
The days you don’t listen to me. The days my feelings are just another burden on your shoulders. The days being anything but happy and completely in love with you feels like a crime.
We moved on with lunch. Margaritas and tacos were a bit too much fun. I love that you asked me how my morning was. I felt cared for.
Back home, in the lift, I said, ‘I’m sorry I got annoyed.’ I guess it’s a habit to apologize for everything at this point.
You laughed and brushed it off. Said you’d forgotten about it. It wasn’t a biggie. But it still hurt inside.
Super honesty? I thought you’d apologize too. It hurt that you didn’t.
The little girl in me shut down.
The one that cried and cried, locking herself in the bathroom hotel, asking her parents not to leave her at boarding school. The one who tried to paste a fake smile on her face on the way to the train station because she wanted her parents to believe she was happy.
The little girl in me doesn’t want to hide her emotions anymore.
She wants someone who’ll love her even when she’s annoyed, upset, or angry. Not just in the afterglow when the emotions pass.
Will you?
I didn’t say anything last night but I went to sleep with my favorite sad music playlist and some tears to keep me company.
This doesn’t feel good. But I’m so afraid of losing you.
After Dad got sick and I came home from boarding to a new school in 11th grade, I was so lonely. So goddamn lonely but no one noticed, you know?
Those years were the worst I’ve ever had to go through. No one understood. You came in when school ended. And you swept me off my feet a bit. I felt seen and understood and cared for in a way I hadn’t felt in years.
And yes, we had our problems, but we grew together.
We’re not perfect but we’re something.
Will you listen? Will you try?
I’m so afraid of losing you.
I know I’ll get through it.
But I don’t want to experience that loneliness again. Life’s better here, with you.
You brought joy and light into my life. Will you stay a little more while?
You were kind enough to show me I was worth the work. That you’d fight for me on my low days and do whatever you could to help me stay. That love wasn’t all rainbows and sunshine but we could wipe the snow away together.
I promise to stay now on your snowy days. To help pass the blues away. Because it’s okay if love isn’t the fairyland I had expected it to be. As long as I have you on my side through the darker days.
When we fight, I want to fight for us.
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