Episode 22: Boys Will Be Boys

“I have some awesome news,” Robby said as he stopped by my cube to pick me up for lunch.

“Good, what’s up?” I slipped my shoes back onto my swollen feet, grabbed my bag and we waddled out to the car.

“My buddy Durb is coming to Colorado for a few weeks. He’s thinkin’ of moving back.”

“Who’s Durb?”

Robby opened the door for me and we walked hand in hand to his car. It was a beautiful Colorado day. Blue skies. Seventy five perfectly crisp degrees. Things were just starting to green up. It made me want to have a margarita, or four.

“You don’t remember me telling you about the Durb? The guy who grew up down the street from the Oaks when we were kids. He was my brother’s age, though, so he was more friends with Danny than he was with me.” The Oaks was the neighborhood where Rob grew up in Elgin, Il — one in the sea of northwest suburbs of Chicago.

“Why’s he coming to Colorado?”

“Well, he’s actually from here…Woodland Park. It’s about 20 minutes west of the Springs…hey, where do you wanna eat? Denny’s?”

“Denny’s is fine. Moon over Mi-hammy, anyone…But I’m confused. I thought he was from Chicago.”

We got into the car. I rolled the window down and stuck my head out the window like a dog. I kept my tongue in my mouth.

Robby continued his story, “Well, when he was about 13 his family moved out to Woodland Park. His Dad was trying to start a hunting farm. Anyway, it’s a crazy story because we completely lost touch when he moved to Colorado and I forgot all about the Durb. So, one day after I’d moved to the Springs when I was in the Army, I was at this McDonalds and this huge dude came up to me and was like, ‘hey, do I know you? Aren’t you Robby Smith?”

“No way…it was this Durb guy?”

“Exactly! And he towered over me. It was crazy. When he left for Colorado he was just a little kid and then I almost didn’t recognize him because he was so fucking tall…like 6' 3” or something. So, anyway, we were attached at the hip the whole time I was in the Springs. And then, once I was discharged, and moved back to Chicago, the Durb decided to move to Chicago with me. So we lived together in this little shitbox apartment for two years.”

“Wow, that’s a small world experience. So what’s his deal?”

“He’s fucking insane! You’ll either love him or hate him. And, if I had to guess, you’ll hate him.”

“Why?”

He hesitated before answering. “Well…he’s kind of a bad influence on me, ya know. He knows just how to push my buttons to get myself into very fucked up situations.”

“Liiiiike what?”

“Like one time we were hiking and we started rock climbing with no ropes. It’s stupid shit. Another time we were hiking and found these underground passageways that were kind of like caves. Anyway, we shimmied our way so far in there that we got stuck…for three hours. I seriously thought we were gonna die that day.”

I remained silent.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m happy for you. I’d love to have one of my best childhood friends move to Colorado Springs.”

“That’s because I haven’t told you about the Nigger bone, yet.”

“The what?”

“The Nigger bone.”

“Whaddya mean?”

“I’m tellin’ you, the Durb and I have been in some serious fucking shit together. So, this other time, we were out boozin’ hard…well anytime I was out with Durb we boozed hard…and we met these dudes at this bar where we were shootin’ stick. Anyway, they asked us if we wanted to go back to their place and get high and so of course we said yes. So, we get to their place and go into the basement. It looked like a fuckin’ heavy artillery storage facilty! There were guns and ammo and all kinds of crazy swastika flags hangin’ on the walls. And the head guy, the guy who did most of the talkin’ at one point was like, hey dudes, check this shit out…and he pulled out a knife with about a 12 inch blade.”

“And…”

“So he pulls out this knife and asked me to hold it. So I take a hold and I notice the handle is about, I dunno, 6 or 8 inches long and it’s appears to be some sort of bone. So, the guys like, ‘She’s a beauty ain’t she,’ or some shit like that. And I was all, ‘Yeah, she’s a beauty, kind of making fun of him.’ And then he said, you know that handle there is made from pure nigger bone.”

I broke my silence. “WHAT?”

“I told you we’ve gotten ourselves into some serious shit. Anyway, so then guy goes on to tell us about he killed this black guy and turned his arm bone into the handle for his favorite blade. Kinda like a trophy, I guess.”

“No way.”

“Well, I don’t know if it was an actual human bone, but that’s just what he told me. Lemme put it to you this way, it may not have been a real human bone, but his message was loud and clear. It was literally like something out of American History X. It was fucking whack!”

“So, what’d you guys do?”

“We split the first chance we got…even before we could get high.”

“Huh. Crazy.”

“Yeah, so, the Durb is gonna be around this weekend and he’s bringin’ a whitewater canoe. He’s tellin’ me the rapids on the Platte are class five this time of year.”

“A whitewater canoe? Sounds like a recipe for disaster. I think you’re right. I don’t want you hangin’ out with this dude.”

“Why not?”

“Umm, hello. Eight months pregnant. Not only does the baby need a daddy, but her Mommy needs his paycheck to help support her.” Of course I was joking, mostly.

We pulled into the Denny’s parking lot.

“Please. Just because we’re having a baby does not mean I can’t have any fun. I promise. I’ll be careful.”

* * *

“My brutha!” Robby said in a deeper voice than usual while reaching up to embrace this rather large, oafish looking guy. This was obviously his ‘dude’ voice.

“ROBBY!” the person said in an even deeper ‘dude’ voice, returning the embrace and lifting Rob up off the floor by about 6 inches.

After their greeting, they both turned and looked at me. “Durb, this is Jennifer. Jennifer, this is the Durb.”

We exchanged greetings. He was a big dude. He wasn’t only tall, he was big and broad like Beast from Beauty and the Beast. His brown hair was short, messy and thinning just a bit. One might say he was balding prematurely, but compared to Robby he had a full head of hair.

When he smiled his teeth shot out of his mouth in all different directions. It was safe to say that he was not too easy on the eyes. For what he lacked in looks he made up for in personality. He was kind of like Robby on speed. Maybe steroids. Possibly both.

I encouraged him to retell the rock climbing, spelunking and nigger bone stories to check and see how much Rob was exaggerating. Well, he told the stories even more flamboyantly than Rob did, and that was hard to do because if nothing else, Robby was certainly prone to hyperbole.

“So, do you really think it was a human bone?” I asked.

“Yeah. Yeah. Oh Yeah. These guys were fucking nuts! Rob and I have gotten ourselves into some fucked up shit before, but this was one time where I really thought we could be in trouble. These guys weren’t just drunk assholes armed with a pool cue and hopped up on Red Bull and vodka…they were the real fucking deal.”

I was speechless.

“Well, we’ve gotta get goin’,” Robby said. “You’re spendin’ the night, though, right, Durb?” Robby asked.

“Nah, man, I can’t. I’ve gotta get back tonight. Dude, check it out…” Durb said, as he opened the sliding glass door and stepping out on the concrete steps. We hadn’t had a chance to landscape or put a patio in, so our back yard was still just a muddy mess.

“Why? What’s up?”

He unzipped his pants and continued, “You remember that girl Jill I went to high school with? The really fuckin’ hot one?”

Ummm. We do have a bathroom

“Yeah, I remember you talking about her every fucking night for two years when we lived together in Chicago.”

A stream of urine flowed into my muddy back yard.

“Whatever, dude. Anyway, I bumped into her yesterday and we’re going out tonight. Can you fucking believe it? After all this time,” he said, giving himself a little shake off and zip up.

“Hope she’s worth the wait.”

“Oh, she will be. I’m gonna tap that ass every way from Sunday…it’s been a long time.”

“OK, OK, boys…why don’t you scamper along. I don’t need or want to be privvy to an ass tappin’ conversation.”

“Oh, Sorry Jennifer,” Durb said. “Well, Dude, you ready to hit the Platte?”

“Hell yeah! Oh, and hey, there’s a guy from work and his wife who are big kayakers who we’re gonna meet up there.”

“Really? Who? Greene?” I chuckled.

“Yeah.” Rob grinned and let out half a laugh.

“Who’s that?” Durb asked.

“You’ll see,” Robby replied and winked at me.

Brain Greene was the VP of Engineering for the military products at work. He was basically a know-it-all about everything. From electronic components to kayaking to what type of cabinets are the best quality for the money he knew it all and would spend as many painstaking hours as you would let him telling you about it.

And it wasn’t just that he was a know-it-all that was annoying, he also was one of those people who could not pick up on social cues. In the middle of a conversation with Greene you could look at your watch a million times and he’d still be oblivious to the fact that you didn’t give two shits about what he was saying.

And, if he cornered you at work, you would be stuck talking to him for at least an hour. Painful.

As Robby was leaving the apartment, he turned and gave me a hug.

I whispered, “Please be careful, Honey.”

“I will. I promise.”

Once the boys left on their little journey and I decided to catch up on my sleep. I nestled into our brand new over-stuffed sofa and fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.

***

Unsure of how much time had passed, I was awoken by a loud crash. It sounded like someone was trying to kick the front door down, but it was really Durb and Robby lugging the white water canoe around to the back of the house.

They came in through the back door, covered in mud, and Durb immediately flumped down on my brand new couch which we hadn’t even made a single payment on.

“OOOOUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Robby laughed uncontrollably.

“It isn’t fuckin’ funny asshole!” he growled.

“Yes. It is funny. It’s very fucking funny!” Robby replied, pulling his shorts down inspecting his right butt cheek.

“What the fuck is that?” I asked, leaning in to get a closer look then kissing him on his salty neck. He had a hip pointer the size of a grapefruit. The sticky layer of blood that had formed made it look just like a raspberry.

Through stifled laughter, he said, “Oh, honey, this is nothin’. You should see Durb’s ass.”

“I’d rather not.” I went into the kitchen and grabbed them each a beer.

“Shut the fuck up Rob. It isn’t fuckin’ funny!”

“What happened?” I asked, handing Durb his beer. He grimaced, which I took as a thanks.

“We fucked ourselves up…big time!” Rob replied. Durb simply moaned on the sofa. “Dude, you are such a pussy. Did all that sunshine in Florida turn you into a pussy?”

I rolled my eyes.

Durb just moaned louder and flipped him off.

“You know what? I don’t even wanna know.”

“Oh Honey, it’s not that bad…well, it would have been if it wasn’t for Brian and Joyce. I hate to admit it, but they actually saved our lives…”

“Come on?” I said in disbelief.

“No joke, Jennifer. We seriously almost died today. Durb?”

He moaned, nodded his head and took a sip of beer.

“So we get up there and the rapids were, as predicted, class 5 and Durb’s grinning from ear to ear talking up this canoe. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. I’ve never been in a kayak and I’ve only canoed in a lake where the biggest waves come from a ski boat.

So anyway, Durb’s giving me some quick instructions like ‘If you go in the water make sure you go down river feet first.’

And I’m like, ‘Alright, are those the only instructions…feet first if you go swimming?’

‘That’s it.’

So I step into the boat with my shoes on and Durb’s like, get your fucking shoes off dude…we’re gonna get fuckin’ soaked and then you’ll be bitchin’ about your wet shoes.’

And I’m like, ‘Well, if the only instructions I get are go feet first if you end up in the drink, something tells me we might be swimming and I’m gonna protect my dogs.’

So, anyway, we put the boat in the water and Brian and Joyce are swarming around us like flies on shit lookin’ all serious.” Robby did his best Brian Greene imitation, then he continued, “And Durb’s all pissed that they’re hovering around us asking questions like, ‘Where’s your helmet?’

He looked at me and said, “You know Brian.” I nodded and encouraged him to continue.

“Anyway, so the boat goes in the water and I hop in the front armed with my oar, shoes and a life jacket and then the Durb kicks off his shoes and hops in the back with his oar. And just as we push off he says, ‘Oh, one more thing…if we go swimming make sure you don’t lose your oar. Hold on to that bitch no matter what.’”

At this point Robby is having a hard time controlling his laughter.

“So Durb jumps in and literally, what dude, like 10, 15 seconds later the fuckin’ boat rolls and next thing I know is we’re swimming in class 5 fucking rapids. And the next thing I see is Durb’s oar float right by me and I couldn’t help but start to laugh. And all I hear is Durb yell, ‘Get in the down river position’ all fucking professional and shit like he knows what the fuck he’s talkin’ about.”

“Shut the fuck up, Dude.” He tried his best to yell, but it sounded more like he was talking with someone sitting on his chest.

“Seriously, so I get in my down river position — shoes first — and clutch my oar as tight as I can and right away I take a fuckin’ boulder off the ass and let out a huge scream. I pretty much stopped laughing after that. I looked back and now Durb’s laughin’ his ass off at me because I took a hit. And within seconds I heard him screamin’ like a little bitch because then he took one off the ass, too.”

“And where were Brian and Joyce?”

“They were swarming around us shouting out orders and trying to herd us into eddies along the edge, but the rapids were too strong. So anyway, we’re swimmin’ for what seemed like a mile downstream — and it’s fuckin’ cold as shit — and we’re dodgin’ boulders the whole way. We both took a couple more hits along the way, but nothing like the first ones.

So after about a mile I was finally able to work my way to the side and Brian and Joyce helped me out. By the time I got out of the water I was looking upstream for Durb but I couldn’t find him. And then I heard little eeks of pain and looked up and there was Durb, on the opposite side of the river, hobbling along the edge of the river like a little old lady. So I shout over to him, ‘Dude, you’re on the wrong side of the river. You’ve gotta swim across. And the look on his face was priceless. The agony of defeat.”

Durb flipped him off again and Robby just laughed to himself while he buried his head in a pillow.

“So where’s the banana when all this is going on?”

“Brian and Joyce actually rescued the boat just after they rescued me. It just floated alongside me the whole time.”

“So Durb finds a spot that appears to be pretty calm and hops in the water. Dan is guiding him with his boat and Durb’s clutching onto Joyce’s oar. When he finally gets to the right side of the river and climbs out, he sat down and started plucking two inch thorns out of his feet. Look at ’em. Durb, show ‘er your feet.”

I looked over at Durb and lifted his leg so I could see the carnage. Sure enough there were about 20 little holes on the bottom of each of his feet. He looked like he was going to cry.

In the background Robby was laughing about not wearing his shoes.

“All right, Dude,” Durb interjected. “You’ve had your fun. But, seriously, I think I broke my ass. You’ve gotta take me to the ER. I think I need an x-ray.”

“Come on Man, seriously. I don’t wanna go to the ER. We’ll be there for hours.”

“Dude, get your ass in the car and take me to the ER. I’m serious.”

“Fine,” Robby huffed. “You OK here?”

“I’m fine. I guess I’ll just pop in a flick until you guys get back.”

“All right dude, let’s get it over with.”

As they hobbled their way to the front door, I heard Durb complaining, “I’m gonna have to cancel my fuckin’ date. 10 years I’ve waited to go out with this girl and I break my fuckin’ ass! Bullshit.” Robby still couldn’t stop laughing.

So we’ve made some progress on our path to adulthood, but we’re not there just yet.

***

Just a little diversion from: A Love Story, of sorts