Part I : Asian American Men & Dating: How bad is it really?


We often take for granted how bad Asian males have it in the dating market in the West, particularly in North America. Many cite the response rates from the OKCupid studies, and also refer to our own subjective personal experiences. And it’s understandable why they would reference these statistics. Many people think that Asian Men have no problems in the dating market , and often when we talk about our experiences, no one listens to us assuming that we are just making stuff up. Are we? The stats don’t lie.

There is always a vocal minority that continues to bleat that things aren’t “so bad”, that the barriers only exist in our heads, and that we all just need to be “more confident”/”lift more”/”be more alpha!!”. The vocal minority claims that all we need to do is go on a quest of personal improvement , and magically , these dating woes will just magically disappear. But let’s start by looking at the raw statistics for the interracial dating disparity between Asian men and women, because they don’t lie.

It’s funny isn’t it? Asian women rate WHITE men better then then do Asian Men. Meanwhile , every other race rates their race of men as better then everyone else. What could cause this? Source: OKCUPID Statistics:
A few years later… This is now 2014. At least the Asian men get a improvement in rating now. 24% beats 10%! Yet white men are rated higher , yet again. Why?
According to Pew Research , Interracial marriage statistics indicate that Asians marry out the most, excluding Native americans. Asians marry out at 28% , versus that of 19% for African Americans , and 7% for whites. Data from:
According to Pew Research , Asian American women marry out at 36% versus that of 16% for Asian men. Other races? 7% for whites ( M/F) , 25%/12% for blacks ,and 54%/61% for American Indians. Their is an obvious disaparity amoung Asians.

Update : Pew Social trends study , 2017 study.

In the 2017 study , the intermarriage rates has now changed. Now 21% of Asian men intermarry , while 36% of Asian women intermarry , which represents a 5% increase and a 1% decrease among the respective genders.
The amount of intermarriage in Asians has also edge up 1% in Asians in the 2017 study.

Two key takeaways:

  • Asian American women outmarry at double the rate of Asian American men (37% versus 16%). Other races do not nearly have such a disparity.
  • Of All Asian American women , 36% of them marry outside of the rice. Compared to that of white, black , something is obviously awry here.

Now, it’s not all gloom and doom. The silver lining here is that when we ARE able to outmarry, we tend to do so with higher quality partners.

White women with asian men are 2 years younger, more likely to be first married, 76% first marriage vs 65%, make 30k vs 22k, and be 50% more educated in comparison to ones that marry white men.

Not all bad, brothers. Not bad. These out marriage rates and statistics only give half the picture though; they do not quantify how difficult it is for an Asian man to actually land a white girl. We can talk all day about our personal experiences and stupid “field reports” for all the PUA’s out there, but at the end of the day all of this is subjective. So how about we just use actual science??

Maybe the most striking numbers are with regard to income-ethnicity trade-offs, as shown in Table 5.6. For equal success with a white woman, an African-American man needs to earn $154,000 more than a white man. Hispanic men need an additional $77,000, and Asian men need an additional $247,000 in annual income. What Makes You Click? — Mate Preferences and Matching Outcomes in Online Dating Source : Asian Nation

What in Confucius’ name is this? In order to do as well as your white equivalent ,(equivalent — not your average white Joe Schmoe), you need to make a quarter million more than he does in a year. That means for those of you Asian brothers who actually are doing okay with white women, you would be fucking Dan Bilzerian shooting a coke whore orgy on Entourage if everything else about you was the same except for the color of your skin. Talk about screwed up. Interestingly though , the researchers also found a premium placed on height, although they did not appear to have studied its interaction with the race penalty.

Table 5.5 shows the trade-offs between height and income. A man who is 5 feet 6 inches tall, for example, needs an additional $175,000 to be as desirable as a man who is approximately 6 feet tall (the median height in our sample) and who makes $62,500 per year. Source(Pg. 49):

So for all you NBA point guards , you may experience this effect much less than your more, uh, vertically challenged counterparts.

Jumping In

What plays a key role in the Asian American narrative to marry interracially? Obviously , there is something deep at work here , or else the marriage rates would not have such a big discrepancy. For most, it is the significance of growing in in predominantly white neighbourhoods that lead to a powerful desire for whiteness , and white racial privilege. These powerful desires shape the subjectivities, fantasies, and intimate desires of Asian Americans from a young age.

But what shapes our desires to date interracially? For Asian men and Asian women alike, we are influenced by the Hegemonic masculinity that has been the focus of the American society. The typical northern , heterosexual , protestant father of college education , fully employed ,and unblushing male in America. This is an ideal that few white men can attain, but an even harder deal for Asian men to attain, since extra difficulties are imposed by a culture that puts a penalty on being Asian. We’ll explain that one later.

But what about the female ideal? There is also a hegemonic femininity , an ideal that is much easier for an Asian female to attain, since she has no cultural penalties imposed on her. In both cases , these hegemonic gender ideals have a large imposing force on the identities of those growing up. In males and females , it influences both sexes to see the opposite white sex as a trophy to attain. Think about your youth. When you were young , did you wish you were as pretty , or as muscular as that white model that was shown in the magazines , or television show? Although you may not think so , media projects an image that influences those watching.

What influences both sexes to marry inter racially? It seems that experiences during the teenage years where individuals who experienced as strong sense of racial , ethnic , or cultural difference made these individuals self-conscious about their culture , producing desires to whiten.

The following is From Relevance of Race — A study that explores the reasons why interracial marriages happen in both sexes in Asian Americans: A common denominator among men and women of this study who eventually chose to marry inter-racially included those who felt a powerful desire to assimilate.

It is worthwhile noting the reasons that the female respondents gave for not finding Asian males appealing. The simple “numbers” explanation, such as that given by Kira, was belied by other reasons offered; for most of the women, not surprisingly, they viewed Asian men they knew or grew up with as falling short of the ideal American masculinity. The respondents uniformly referred to the widely held stereotypes of Asian men as being “geeky” and seemed to buy into it.

Stereotypes do have a legitimate effect on the relationships that Asian Men are a part of. Despite what people may say , or excuses that may be brought up , the hegemonic masculinity that is a part of American society , and it’s penalties on Asian men affect the real lives of Asian men.

However, another woman made an intriguing comment that in college, she did notice one Chinese boy who was “very handsome, athletic, tall,” but that he was the “type of boy who was not dating an Asian girl. He only dated very blond girls at school. . . . He was very non-Asian.” In her view, it is not that all Asian men are unable to attain the ideal hegemonic American masculinity, but that achieving the hegemonic ideal went in tandem with complete assimilation and Anglo-conformity, including using their superior physical capital to date white women exclusively and reject Asian women.

Those are able to overcome stereotypes , or have the ability to do so to attain the ideal hegemonic American masculinity also go hand in hand with full assimilation and anglo(white)conformity. Therefore the question becomes: Is it better to assimilate and conform to white standards ,beauty ,etc to attain a white partner , or is it better to keep your culture?

In contrast to the women who frequently alluded to the nerdy qualities of Asian males as reasons for these men’s undesirability, interracially married Asian American men in my study rarely mentioned explicitly the physical shortcomings of Asian females as reasons for not marrying or dating them. However, men who grew up finding non-Asian women, especially white ethnic women, more desirable did tend to elevate white females as paragons of ideal femininity in terms of physical appearance, and even personality and character. One interesting quality that rendered

You often hear Asian women shitting on Asian Men , but it seems that Asian men do not do this. Rather , they tend to elevate white females as paragons of ideal femininity ; or putting white women on a pedestal.

In general, my finding is that inter-racially married second-generation Asian American men generally fell into a category of those who engaged in a strategy of either “denial” or “compensation” in regard to dominant American masculinity ideal. That is, they, though not all, tended to be “compensators,” highly assimilated individuals who saw themselves as people who either transcended the negative Asian male stereotype by trying hard to achieve the hegemonic masculinity, or “deniers” people who did not believe that negative stereotypes existed or that these stereotypes applied to themselves since they were really “white.” Such assimilative tendencies often went hand in hand with a desire for women of the dominant group in society, white females, whose approval provided these men with a sense that they are successfully approximating the American middleclass hegemonic masculinity and winning societal acceptance.

Self-improvement is a great thing right? It seems that most of us are either in the mindset of denial or compensation. Those of us who deny the fact that this hegemonic masculinity exists tend to compensate for their denial by not believing in stereotypes , or that the stereotype would apply to themselves , believing that they are really white , or trying to emulating whiteness. Then there are those who believe in compensation. These individuals are highly assimilated individuals who see themselves as people who were above the hegemonic masculinity , who were not part of the negative Asian male stereotype , i.e.) not believing that racism exists.

Not surprisingly, some inter-racially partnered Asian American men seemed to harbor submerged feelings of gratitude to their white ethnic partners. The men often confessed not only that winning approval of white ethnic females provided them with a boost in self-esteem and confidence, but also that they were grateful to them for being willing to date or marry across racial lines. Jason, a Korean American, denied that he saw his white ethnic wife as a “trophy,” but admitted nonetheless, “You think more of the person you are dating because she’s open-minded enough to go out with someone like me.”

White women are not trophies. Don’t put them on a pedestal.You are forgetting one thing when you do this ; you are propping and supporting the white supremacy.

Read Part 2 — Here.