Evolution by Embarrassment. The type of change I live for.

Is what your feeling Confusing? Exciting? Maybe even Terrifying? Or all of the above? If you answered yes, theres a chance you are feeling change. Scary huh.

Things are changing. For the better. I am making them change and whilst its 50/50 wether I will still feel good about them in the future, the fact I am making them, is great.

Change isn’t rare for me. However most of the time it is a nessecary evil or forced upon me.

WELL NOT TODAY!

Im a big boy now and big boys make big changes.

I am finally fully going after what I want. Now anyone who knows me might find that strange to say. I usually go after what I want. I am me. I am extremely self serving.

But I hold back. I have my self doubts like any person does and whilst I am good at passing the little ones in slow motion, like that girl in every american teen movie, the big ones have stood in my way for quite some time.

So now that I am, as earlier stated a big boy, I can take on the big doubts.

First one I began tackling today. Acting. Or anything on camera really. Back in 2010 I auditioned at college for the performing arts course and got accepted. Accepted but not in.

My nerves stopped me. People there with me even told me to calm down and that I was doing great. However I knew otherwise. Now six years on, having plunged myself into the behind the camera side of stuff, I am ready for round 2.

Round 2 commences in November. I booked onto an acting course this morning. I am nervous but in six years I have grew a lot. If I could audition and get in back then, even with nerves, then now I can go further.

Now, hopefully, I can go all the way. I don’t regret that choice six years back. I am very happy I pursued behind the camera, I am very happy I embarrassed myself back then. It helped me grow.

It is that growth I have missed. That growth that I made happen. The growth that I had no business having but I decided willingly (naively) to take. You see whilst that partcicular brand of “personal growth”, or as I like to call it, “evolution by embarassment” hasn’t come to a grinding halt the last six years it has slowed down.

The growth I have experience the last few years has been circumstantial. Growth I didn’t ask for. Which happens to everyone. But it still sucks, and I am after all a whiny millennial so I’ll bitch about it.

“If you could change anything in your past, what would it be?”

“No regrets bro gotta have no regrets”

ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE. It is the regret that keeps you from repeating the mistake. The regret is the lesson. So whilst I don’t regret the growth I asked for, I regret the unavoidable growth more than anything. Because It taught me lessons shaping me into a person that even the Jack from 4–5 years ago would be a little disappointed by.

Old Jack believed people at their core were all good. Like he actually geniunley believed that! He didn’t just tell himself that in his head to try and get through a day.

Old Jack wasn’t cynical. He didn’t immediatly go to the most negative thought, hide it behind humour to disguise it as a joke. For the record they usually land but the humour isn’t a good enough mask.

One thing I will say is I haven’t lost the optimist in me, I almost did, but now the other side is present. Maybe I am just a more whole person, but old Jack wouldn’t want that. Current Jack also has a little part of him that wishes he had old Jacks optimism.

That little part of old Jack, that lives on in current Jack, is ready to fight. After dropping out of uni a few months back that Jack has been warming up. He has been developing his battle strategy. He is going to war.

I hope he wins.