Conversations with Alex Vera
Responding to “How to Self-Adjust without Self-Harm through Creative Impulsivity”
When am I deluding myself to change according to someone else’s vision and when am I using my own insight from introspection to self-adjust in a healthy way?
This is an incisive question. Changing yourself for someone else’s vision puts the power over your life into their hands. What if you don’t trust them? Using your own introspection to self-adjust in a healthy way seems aligned with “excellence”, but I am not smart enough to have that introspection…I constantly think I am doing just fine — when I am not. The world lets me know.
I find it embarrassing to admit that I get my good standing by “saving narcissistic face”. That’s why I don’t admit it — I find security in the idea that others believe I am attractive and socially smart, even though I’m not…and that I developed those attributes by following the ideas of someone else (my wife). My learned authenticity is learned and it does not feel like myself. I am really a selfish and scattered monster. So, am I authentic? Am I really what I am or am I who I could be?
By changing, I’m molding myself more according to their vision or some other vision, even if it’s my own.
