Haas: A Plague Upon Woodbright
I, like many of you, am enjoying Animal Crossing: New Horizons. It’s the perfect game for times like these. I’ve spent hours arranging my town, planting flowers, and crafting decor. I’ve befriended my neighbors, curated a chic wardrobe, and obtained a three star rating for my beloved island. It should be perfect, and it is.
Except for Matt’s villager.
Except for Haas.
Haas arrived on Woodbright and immediately took off all his clothes. He proceeded to run circles around the villagers in town, spoke to one of them briefly, and disappeared for two weeks. I was offended, sure. To say it was a bad first impression would be an understatement.
I decided to give Haas a second chance. I found him in his tent, which was empty apart from two containers of protein powder. I asked why he needed two and in response he sneezed into my face and then winked at me with both eyes at the same time.
The next time I saw him he had decided to wear clothes. His new outfit consisted of black boots, white jeans, no shirt (“don’t want to chafe the nips, baby”) and a police hat/aviator sunglasses combo. I asked what was up with the cop costume and, after giving me an incredulous look, he explained that he IS a cop, and not “some cosplay pansy.”
Word traveled fast about the mysterious new trash person in town. Before long I had every villager asking me if I had met Haas, when Haas was coming back, why Haas hadn’t deemed them important enough for an introduction. It was a nightmare. I tried to explain to them that Haas would bring nothing but pain to our peaceful community, but they persisted. I decided that finding some common ground with the intruder was going to be necessary, so I set up a time to hang out.
During our outing, I learned that Haas never intended to move to Woodbright. His dream was to found his own island, name it Boomtown, and manufacture explosives to sell to a small group of militias in the north of Kazakhstan that were working to reinstate the Soviet Union. In that moment, for the first time, I felt for Haas; he didn’t want to be on this island and I didn’t want him here. Maybe we could come to understand one another with a little effort.
Perhaps if Haas had a section of the island to himself he would feel more at home. I tried to visualize what a feral manchild might be interested in. I set up a basketball hoop, playground equipment, and a large cardboard cutout of a triceratops. As I worked, I imagined Haas’ reaction, how he would finally feel comfortable on Woodbright and would maybe stop running through my meticulously placed flowers and telling the other villagers I made a living by selling counterfeit prescription drugs to homeless children.
Nothing could have prepared me for Haas seeing the park I built for him and immediately attempting to push it into the ocean. He proceeded to jump into the ocean himself before declaring he would start sleeping on the beach and screaming at the fish until I built him a house to live in.
Reader, I am a fool. An adorable, kindhearted fool. A selfless, lovely fool for thinking I could find a way to make that rotted starfish boy bearable. My only option now is to try to get rid of him. I imagine he must be wanted by some government so I’ll start making some calls. I will not rest until my villagers and my careful landscaping are safe from the plague that is Haas.
