Jul 30, 2021
12 Valuable Parenting Lessons I Learned the Hard Way
Because sometimes children make us better parents.
Parents want to be perfect. I was no exception. As I attempted to be perfect, I learned 12 valuable parenting lessons. I also learned perfection is a myth.
The transition from one academic year to the next always makes me wonder — is he on the right track? What will be different this year? I am also asking myself, have I done the right things? Have I been a good parent? Do I have any regrets?
While I don’t have any regrets, per se, I definitely wish I had done some things differently — in retrospect. You know how hindsight is — always 20/20.
Along the way, I learned some valuable parenting lessons.
#1. It is okay to let them out of your sight
When I was a child, I grew up in a joint family and the way I was monitored was nowhere near what we did with our son. Life was different then. Things are different now. And yet, I think I turned out fine. I wish we had let our son out of our radar more often. I know we worried about his safety thanks to all the stories we heard.
We now realize that it would have been okay to occasionally give him space to do his thing, explore. We didn’t have to know what he was up to every minute of the day. I am grateful that in spite of how we parented him, he’s okay. He is managing his life away from home quite well.
#2. Don’t encourage their sense of entitlement
In today’s world, most kids assume that they have the right to have or do a lot of things. Stay out late, go out whenever they want, don’t want to clean up after themselves, skip household chores . . . you know the list is endless. They grow up with a false sense of entitlement, they think they were born into all these things. They take life for granted.
It took me a while before I realized that our son could very well turn into that kid. I remember being shocked when he threw a tantrum for the first time. Fortunately, he was in the third grade and we drew up a schedule for his day — with his help — and made sure he earned whatever he wanted. He learned to save. He learned values. And he learned family is important. Most of all, he became kinder.
#3. Don’t stress over what others think
It is only natural to worry what others think and for a parent, even more so. But some people can be really mean. They make you feel inadequate. When my son was in school, I would drop him off and pick him up every day. Most days I was dressed in a black t-shirt and jeans and I had no idea that I was the subject of gossip in a particular group of parents. This I came to know much later. What can I say? The truth is, I had eight black t-shirts that were only slightly different in design and I really enjoyed wearing them.
Well, I do recall feeling bad about the gossip, the staring. But I did contemplate altering my wardrobe, my dress code for a moment. Too many people are quick to judge others and it can be a nightmare getting caught in that situation. Best thing to do? Not worry too much what others think. Valuable life lesson!
#4. Praise effort over results
When our kids are young, we do tend to go overboard praising them for everything they do. When my son was around five, my Mom suggested that I stop doing that and focus on my son’s effort rather than the results. Golden advice! This enables them to take more initiative, more risk. They learn more. And understand that success depends on effort, not just ability.
#5. Defer more to your partner
Ah! This is my favorite lesson as a parent. There’s this tendency in households for moms, and sometimes dads to assume that they’re solely responsible for everything in the house. Different expectations, different parenting experiences. While one parent says yes to something, the other says no. Tension builds up, obviously.
After a couple of embarrassing instances, we prevented this by simply deferring to the other, especially when our son pestered us and tried our patience. We learned that we really don’t have to respond to every request our child made. We learned to say that we’d check with each other and decide — and our son learned we were on the same page.
#6. Set the rules first
It is important to have rules in place. When we got our first computer, we were all fascinated by the internet. So was our son. He’d beg for 30 minutes at the computer. And of course, we’d have a tough time getting him off it even after an hour. Stupid I know. We quickly learned — I mean decided — we needed to make some rules. If this, then that. We rewarded responsible behavior. And he appreciated us for that. It is funny, how, even today, at 23, he follows some part of the routine. Mission accomplished!
#7. Teach by example
Children see, children do, right? We constantly tell them to put down their devices and yet, we are guilty of not following the same advice. We are all slaves to our devices and spend far too much screen time. We need to switch from the do-as-I-say to do-as-I-do and teach by example, especially when we are parenting teens. We agreed, together, no devices during meals, no devices when we spend time together. It has worked and still works!
#8. Do more by doing less
Rather than give children everything they want, it is better to challenge them to figure things out for themselves. It is also a great way to boost their self-confidence. By doing less, we do more for them.
When our son was around 12, he wanted to buy a book. Just for fun, I told him I didn’t have the money to spare. I remember being shocked when he did some research for my friend and earned $15. Yep. Children do figure out ways when they are challenged, if they want it badly enough. Let them!
#9. Allow them to manage their life
As parents, we tend to assume that certain things will not happen unless we do them. We hover. An example? Waking our kids up each morning, even when we know they can tell the time, set their own alarms. Didn’t we teach them to do that? Yeah, guilty! And, yet, we assume it is our duty to haul them out of bed.
Truth is, when we let them, children can do far better than we imagine. But only if we let them. We constantly remind them of the things they must do until they secretly file it under nagging. We have to allow our kids to run their lives. We’ll be pleasantly surprised to see how capable we are.
#10. Praise your kids for managing adversity
Ever noticed how the adage what you feed grows is so true of parenting? If we keep nagging our kids about their poor behavior, all we seem to get is poor behavior. I believe it is because we are anxious that our kids should be perfect.
What humbug! I learned to be more observant and notice when our son coped with adversity — and praised him, thus encouraging him to build his resilience and confidence. And self-esteem.
#11. Create a fight list
I learned this from my Mom. We keep getting into arguments especially as our kids grow up. Many things are minor and won’t matter ten minutes later. And there are things that do matter. Why not make two lists, one for things that matter, one for things that are just not worth arguing over?
Things that matter? Keeping time commitments. Things that don’t matter? Messy room? Gradually, the aim is to put everything on the not-worth-arguing-over list. I am glad to say it is doable.
#12. Teach them what you know
In my growing years, I learned everything I knew from my grandmother, my mom and my uncles. There was no internet, of course. If it was from a book, it was in the library.
These days, children can get their knowledge from so many sources. Their teachers, their peers and of course, Dr. Google. It seems like there isn’t much left for parents to teach. That’s not true, however. The joy of teaching the skills we have and passing on what we know is invaluable and something our kids will treasure.
I learned that it is really important to spend time teaching our kids basic cooking skills, talking to them about our family history, showing them how to fix things around the house and sharing tips and tricks about life.
I remember how excited my son was when he first saw me replace the faucet in the bathroom. He was amazed we could handle that without calling the plumber. While helping our kids be more independent, we also strengthen our relationship with them. And earn their admiration.
So that’s it. I could probably go on. As I enjoy saying, sometimes children make us better parents. We are blessed to have a loving relationship with our son today.
Originally published on Vidya Sury, Collecting Smiles. Did you smile today?
