5 Powerful Principles to Being A Better Man and Father
We can all do better as men and fathers, these principles give you some ideas to answer the question of how?
Working on being a better man doesn’t suggest that you are a bad man and certainly doesn’t suggest that you’re a poor or absent father. But the reality is, some men have a strained relationship with their children. They may live in the same house, have seen them grow up but didn’t have much of an input in raising them.
Some men are in marriages where the flame of passion, sexual attraction, and intimacy has long burned out and sex is about as common and exciting as Arsenal qualifying for the Champion’s League.
Men do have a tough role to play and the lessons that we learn growing up influence men to strive to work hard and provide for the family. The concerning trend that I’m noticing more of, is that the hard work to provide for the family comes at the expense of being present with the family.
Couple that with the need to “blow off some steam” and have a few drinks after work and throughout the weekend, then other things start to come into effect over a while. It could be there for months, every day without taking much notice or recognition until a picture is taken, the chair at work starts to make a bit more noise or the rare occasion when a man has sex with his woman and can no longer keep up. You, my friend, have inherited, The Dad Bod.
The dad bod, in most cases, is a result of lifestyle decisions over some time that one doesn’t even have to be ashamed of. If it means that you’re living the lifestyle that you desire or love the skin that you’re in then that’s great. To be honest, It doesn’t matter what your body looks like externally. What the modern-day dad needs to understand is, how he lives his life affects his loved ones.
Work and working hard are important, but if that comes at the expense of a man’s happiness within himself and the happiness of his spouse and children then perhaps everything is not as great as first thought. Realising that running the Dad’s race at the schools’ Sports Day might be a bit of fun in theory but can turn out to be highly embarrassing for father and child when their dad is lying face down on the ground clutching at their hamstrings unable to finish the race and needing first aid from that annoying teacher who does your head in.
Becoming a better man, partner and father must begin with doing some work for yourself and it has to be for you. This is to remove any resentment in the times when the work becomes difficult and the stress that is associated with that. Similar to working in a well-paid job that you hate because you are obligated and duty-bound to provide for the family. I’d argue that to truly provide for the family you need to address these 5 key elements for yourself:
- Strength
- Sleep
- Stress
- Sex
- Showing Up
Strength
To put it simply, this is all about looking after your physical body, addressing your exercise and nutrition habits. Strength can be achieved with different exercise modalities, and as much as I’m a personal advocate of lifting weights, it’d be remiss of me to suggest that this is the only way to become stronger. There is also a strong correlation between improving your physical strength and the benefits of your mental and emotional fitness. Better nutrition can be achieved by following a basic framework that should apply to any diet or protocol that becomes popular. Drink more water, eat more vegetables, reduce alcohol, sugar, processed foods, and be mindful of your necessary calorie intake for your desired outcome.
Sleep
In the words of University of Berkeley Neuroscience professor, Director of Sleep and author Matthew Walker
Sleep Is Your Super Power — Matthew Walker
He also has done studies that reveal that men who sleep 5 hours a night have smaller testicles than men who sleep 7 hours a night. With men who sleep 4 hours or less produce a level of testosterone compared with men 10 years their senior. That says to me that even if you wanted to have more sex, that you’re less likely to be in the mood, and if you’re trying for a baby, then your chances would be significantly lower. Lack of sleep also affects brain function and mood. So it would be fair to say that you’re less productive at work, more prone to having a bad day, in turn putting you in a bad mood, which you take home and dump all over your wife and kids. That person doesn’t sound like a fun guy to be around.
Stress
Stress releases a hormone in the body called cortisol which can lead to a breakdown of fat, this works well when exercising if fat reduction is your desired outcome but chronic stress can also lead to a breakdown in bone density which is far from ideal. Chronic (long-lasting) stress can also lead to several issues with your immune system, brain function, loss of sex drive, and increased levels of pain and inflammation in the body. Stress can also be linked to a lack of sleep and physical activity so it’s clear to see that they are all linked from a physiological point of view and a positive shift in one can be a trigger for a positive shift in the others.
Sex
Sex as in the physical act is one thing, most of us enjoy it, want more of it, and want to be better at it. But if you’re in a relationship sex is part of the package that includes intimacy, love, and communicating with your partner. It’s hard to imagine any woman would desire a moody, tired man who struggles to get it up who doesn’t make her feel wanted, loved, or desired. This principle isn’t about sex as in how to get better, but how you engage with your partner, opening up and being present and attentive. These are the simple steps that you can take to improve your relationship and reignite that flame that once burned so strong.
Show Up
I’ve always shown up for my kids. I can count on one hand the occasions where I’ve missed a school play or performance. There are dads who I never see at the school gates but show up every year for the dad’s race at Sports Day. Showing up is more than just the school play or sports day. Showing up is being present, understanding the people that your children are, and who they’re becoming, the lessons that they learn from you about life, health, relationships, problem-solving, work ethic and so much more. They can’t learn these lessons from you when you’re constantly working or on your phone when they need you. Children aren’t a problem that you solve by throwing money at them either. The way you show up for them will be reflected in how they show up for you when they need to. Will it be because they feel obligated to or because they have the desire to?
This Is Just The Beginning
Making a change will be the start, there is no set way in which you can make this transformation. The five powerful principles are a framework that you can use to see what works for you and get your desired outcomes. You’re a dad for the rest of your life so any changes that you decide to make has to come with that in mind. Flash in the pan or short term changes won’t bring you fulfilment. I’d encourage anybody wanting to make changes for the benefit of themselves and their family to include their family in the plans, it helps to keep you accountable and makes your family a part of the journey, a journey that they will be all too happy to come along with you on.
