7 Reasons to Practice Gentle Parenting
If you are a parent of young children today, you have probably heard buzzwords like “gentle parenting,” and “conscious parenting.” These child-rearing philosophies are all the rage because caregivers are actively seeking out ways to raise kids in a more connected and accepting environment. Fortunately, there are endless resources on the subject from books & podcasts to online workshops & membership programs. Qualified experts like Dr. Becky, Janet Lansbury, and Dr. Shefali are taking the lead on educating parents about how to incorporate gentle parenting practices into their daily experience.
Many have embraced this approach to raising kids, hoping to break free from harsh punishments, time-outs, and shame-based language. In the real world, however, it is hard to be a gentle parent. Judgments from those who believe that “gentle parenting,” is synonymous with “letting your kids run wild,” the difficulty of remaining present and calm enough to follow through with gentle parenting techniques, and the desire for short-term results lead many to abandon their gentle parenting journeys prematurely, or neglect to get started at all! If gentle, mindful, conscious parenting resonates with you, here are some reasons to forge ahead, even when the going gets tough:
- You want your kids to have a parent who yells less.
One of my favorite laugh-out-loud parenting quotes comes from the astute Reese Witherspoon, who once said “If you’re not yelling at your kids, you’re not spending enough time with them.” We’ve all been there — you’re already late for school and your affectionate kiddo insists on bidding adieu to each of her stuffed animals with a personalized song and goodbye kiss. Or your rambunctious toddler climbs on the coffee table for the ninetieth time while you’re getting dinner ready. “Just stop it already!” can escape our mouths loudly and instinctively. The truth is no one likes to yell at their kids. It just doesn’t feel good. Gentle parenting will help you navigate these trying moments with more mindfulness so that your children get the benefit of less yelling, more compassion, and appropriate course-correcting for the inevitable moments when you do lose it.
2. You want to understand your kids better.
It is almost cliché to say that you should try looking at the world through a child’s eyes. But…you should. The newness with which they experience the world is truly something to marvel at. They haven’t had years of conditioning telling them to just hurry up and get things done. Children get curious often and see potential in nearly everything: the chirp of the bird that you don’t even hear because you are too busy wrestling with car seat straps; the mud-soaked orange leaf on the sidewalk that you walk right past because you are silently cursing the weather gods for this commute-wrecking rainstorm; the color of the sky on any given day. Gentle parenting can help you see your child’s side of things more often and rekindle the spark of curiosity that you lost long ago. You will see more wonder in the little things; you will take delight in the creativity of your children; you will question their behavior instead of jumping to the conclusion that your child is just being bad. For example, when your child keeps hitting their sister despite her cries and your protests, you will ask why this keeps happening instead of instantly putting them in a time-out; you will investigate the why hiding behind your child’s refusal to clean up her toys before bedtime. And with clarity and understanding come solutions. Dr. Becky, who has been called “the millennial parenting whisperer,” encourages parents to look for the “most generous interpretation,” regarding their child’s behavior. Maybe the hitting is your child expressing her underlying jealousy of her sibling and not just a flagrant disregard for the feelings of others. Perhaps the stubbornness at clean-up time has something to do with the difficulty of transitions in general and not an overarching disrespect for rules. Whatever the question is, gentle parenting will inspire you to dig deep, down to the very root, so that you can find long-lasting answers instead of band-aids.
3. You want to raise resilient kids.
Resilience is a muscle that needs to be exercised. Too often, parents swoop in anytime their child experiences any discomfort — that is, of course, where the term “helicopter parent,” comes from. It is perfectly natural to want the best for your children — as a parent, nothing compares to the glow of joy on your child’s face. Unfortunately, the world is not built to please your child or indulge his every desire. Gentle parenting will help you understand the benefits of allowing all the feelings while teaching coping skills and appropriate behavior. This will set your child up to readily meet the adversity she will encounter in life.
4. You want your kids to know themselves and live their lives on their own terms.
Too many people walk around the earth searching for that one thing that will finally lead to happiness. Our parents and society at large prescribed a to-do list that we followed to the tee. It often goes something like this: get “good” grades; go to a “good” college; get a “good” job, find a “good” partner, have some cute, “good” kids… and so on.
Many of us, unfortunately, get a rude wake-up call in our 30’s or 40’s. We’ve checked all the boxes and aren’t as fulfilled as we thought we would be. Even worse, have spent a lifetime ignoring our intuition, and suddenly, we realize that we are so disconnected from that inner knowing that we don’t even know what we truly want from life. Gentle parenting will help you save your kids decades of walking around like zombies, blindly following the rules at the expense of their true desires. They will learn to understand their authentic selves through each phase of life: where they are already killing it; where they still need to grow; what values they want to embody; how they want to live their lives.
5. You want your kids to have strong boundaries.
People-pleasing is an epidemic. The kids that so often are considered “good children,” struggle because they have been raised to believe that they are responsible for the feelings of others or that their worth comes from accomplishments and external validation. As they grow, they betray themselves over and over in favor of placing the needs of others above their own. Gentle parenting will help you teach your kids that they matter; their wants and needs are just as important as those of others. You will be guided in how to raise an assertive child; one who can say no kindly but firmly. And don’t worry about raising selfish, entitled brats — these techniques will help your kids know that they matter, but so does everyone else. They will be able to compassionately set boundaries and also readily accept the boundaries set by others.
6. You want more connection with your kids.
Connection is paramount in gentle parenting. A popular phrase you will hear over and over again when delving into this philosophy is “connection before correction.” Life is busy and sometimes we are too preoccupied to slow down and really be present with our kids. The sad thing is that parental connection is one of the things that kids crave most. Gentle parenting will help you build opportunities for connection with your children throughout your day. Even tiny moments can mean the world to your child. Once you truly appreciate the miracle of intentional connection with your kids, you will see cooperation, joy, and ease grow tenfold in your relationship.
7. You want all of this for yourself too!
When you become a parent, you get another chance to develop the skills that you were never taught. As you teach your kids to know themselves, feel their feelings, be strong, assert their boundaries, and experience the joy of connection, you will find yourself growing in these areas as well. Where you were once hard as a rock, you will soften. Where you may have once beaten yourself up for a mistake, you will find self-compassion, forgiveness, and the strength to pick yourself up. And that’s the true reason you should continue on your gentle parenting journey; your kids deserve a shining example of how to live with authenticity, self-respect, compassion, and purpose. You are the one who shows them how to get up when they fall and how to live a life worth living. And you owe it to yourself (and them) to become that example.
