Divorce: Do it Better for the Kids

It’s time we mitigated the damage.

Divorce devastates families, but divorce is a modern reality that isn’t going anywhere anytime fast. Though divorce rates have actually declined since the 50 percent divorce rate in the 80s, (says Time Magazine @time), so have marriage rates in middle and lower classes (so says the Brookings Institution @brookings.edu). So my scope here is not to analyze what divorce is doing to children of different classes — but rather to encourage us to shift the lens to divorce practices that cause lasting trauma.

Most of us acknowledge divorce is difficult if not devastating for kids. It’s considered one of traumas that stack against you in the CDC’s Adverse Childhood Experiences study from the 80s (www.cdc.gov). That’s not news.

I’m a trained marriage and family therapist. I would never unilaterally argue a couple stay together to benefit the children. Each family constellation is its own snowflake and there are significant risks and benefits to weigh when shifting this constellation. There is no one-size-fits-all message for sticking it out or not. There is also physical, emotional, and sexual abuse within marriages and families that make staying together far more damaging and dangerous than splitting. And though it sounds extreme, deciding what is abuse can also be nuanced.

It’s time to look at the abuse that comes during and after divorce and find tools to support victims of this kind of abuse.

One story I know is of a woman whose husband’s business had been started during their marriage, and had grown into a multi-million dollar establishment. This mother did all the child-rearing and earned a smidgen of money as a teacher during her marriage. In Arizona, she was entitled to half of her husband’s business earnings as part of her divorce settlement. Privately, he told her if she came after his business earnings, he would come after her small children and win custody of them. (He was an attorney with influence.) Terrified, she acquiesced and deferred any earnings from his business.

You might say, so what?

So here is what. Her ex-husband went on to buy a large fancy house, to move into a top performing school district, to be able to afford American Girl Dolls for Christmas, acrylic nails for school dances, and company sports, a Switch, all the fixings. While the mom continued a career in education that she tried to advance with a masters degree, she could never approach what she would’ve had had they had split his business like the law ensures.

You might still say, so what?

Well, while 4 and 6 year olds may not have much influence in which home they spend their family time in, 12 year olds and certainly 16 year olds do. Children have the judgement of children, and can be manipulated by promises and delivery of material things. Ultimately, a parent who gives a child a car, access to freedom, material wealth, can be the preferred parent. At least until the brain matures.

This isn’t fair for the mom, in this scenario. But the true devastation is for the children. Though manipulated, one day they might carry the guilt of the choices they made: choices that were heavily weighted to influence them.

This happens with all kinds of things — not just money. Access to freedom and drugs are huge ones. Parents of teens can turn a blind eye, allow a child to have no curfew, endless access to social media, maybe smoke weed in the house, maybe throw a little party and the alcohol is gone and the folks pretend they don’t notice. This easily creates a space where the parent who tries to hold the line loses: becomes the un-preferred parent. How do we, as a society, call this behavior out? The legal system ultimately does nothing to support parents who try to actually parent, against the neglectful parent that teens mistake as “fun” or “easy-going.”

How do we keep family life equitable for children so that they don’t have to navigate great disparities of influence? I have questions — not answers.

Please don’t think I believe all divorces do this kind of damage to children. They don’t. Co-parentiung, post-divorce, is the very best thing you can do for children. But I’m talking about when that doesn’t happen.

Another, more terrible form of abuse that can go hand in hand with what I’ve already mentioned, is parental estrangement. I think this is common and goes largely unaddressed. Adults who do not know how to manage their anger and pain over divorce, even ones seemingly educated about “good parenting”, can vent grievances about their ex spouse to their child. They can do far worse. They can lie. They can have enormous influence and convince their child that the other parent is stupid, wrong, bad, harming them, or worse. I don’t know how to protect children from this. I have seen the damage of this kind of gaslighting last far into adulthood. Once a child of difficult divorce, this ultimately mature adult must reconcile their deeply held childhood truths with what really happened. They end up carrying the shame and guilt. It’s not fair to them.

The saddest part of this is the lost time, and maybe the lost relationship between the parent and child. Parental estrangement can truly arrest a bond between a parent and child. I have seen parents’ hearts break over this. It is one thing to lose your marriage and the family constellation you thought you would hold onto. It is a far worse other thing, to have a relationship with a child destroyed by your ex, with very little control over it.

I’m normally not this doom and gloom. But I’m tired of it seeming normal and okay when one teenager won’t visit his dad much because his mom lets him get high in the house. And I’m deeply saddened by the legacy of parental estrangement: which can be adult isolation, struggling with attachment in friendships and romantic relationships, and even addiction and mental illness.

I don’t know if the legal system can call parents out for what is gaslighting children and emotional abuse. What it makes me realize is the low coping skills of hurting parents, that they resort to hurting their children to ease their own emotional pain. They ultimately scapegoat their children and compound the trauma of divorce. Parents need to understand that barring abuse, children need all their parents.

Children need all their parents without the negative opinions and influence of the other parent. How can we help achieve better divorce for children?

If you are divorcing or divorced, here are some ways to start:

1. Allow your child to vent if needed about the other parent, but offer safe listening without joining in the venting. If it’s a trend, suggest a safe person who isn’t you for them to go to (ideally, a therapist but sometimes this can be a mentor, neutral family member, or coach).
2. Ask yourself what you need your child to believe about their other parent. The answer should be, “NOTHING.” You should not need your child to validate your pain, anger, or even truth. If you find yourself looking for validation from your child, consider how you might get this need met through a friend, partner, or therapist.
3. Don’t compare your child to your ex. Don’t say, “you’re just like your dad in…” such and such a way. Children need to feel safe and proud of their connections with all their parents.
4. On the other hand, don’t self-sacrifice if it means being dishonest. When a child comes to you with accusations from the other parent, don’t crumple in shame without correcting them. This is gaslighting them twice over. There are ways to say, “your parent and I don’t agree about that” without disparaging the other party. These are tricky conversations and I always like help from a therapist for these. But my point is, don’t be complicit in the other parent’s lies about you just out of fear.
5. If you or your child are being victimized in the ways I mentioned above, (or other ways for that matter,) join a support group. Divorce Recovery in Tucson has provided amazing connection and healing for hundreds if not thousands of divorcing families. You are never alone. Reach out for support. (This support should never come from your child.)
6. Love who you love. Let your children love who they love. Never make your child feel like they have to choose. Tell them love is endless, there are no limits or amounts to love, and they are allowed to love limitlessly. So are you. Let them you know you love them forever, without limits, no matter who else they love or how they love you back.