3 Steps to Finding Fulfillment as a Mother+
A psychologist’s personal take on embodying multiple roles.
At the beginning, becoming a mother can feel like a crappy promotion — additional responsibilities without the pay raise. In fact, you might even be facing a pay cut — just as your family would most benefit from better finances. I have three small humans under 5, and I often feel scattered and unproductive, rushing from one thing to another or multitasking.
One moment I’m cooking, and regretting that I hadn’t dumped the pile of laundry in the washing machine before I started cooking. Now I can’t leave the stove and so laundry will be delayed. The next moment I’m responding to a work email and then pausing in the middle of my reply because I just remembered I need to prepare my kids’ bottles and snacks for daycare and I have to do it now before I forget. And it goes on… By the end of the day, I’m not sure what I accomplished.
I know I’m not alone. The problem is the tendency to do a lot and feel as though we’ve done nothing. Dissatisfaction arises when the action we’re involved in and role we think about in the moment does not match. And sometimes, anxiety drives us to busy ourselves even more. But without purpose, doing more leads to burnout.
So, this is how I developed a sense of purpose, not to accomplish specific goals per se, but to find fulfillment in the day-to-day:
Realize the multiple roles we play. I took a moment to list all the roles I play. Here we go: wife, mother, psychologist, daughter, friend, sister, colleague. Each of these has its own responsibilities and takes time, energy, and thought. When I saw the roles explicitly listed, it’s no wonder I felt as though I was accomplishing nothing. While I was engaged in one activity, I was often thinking about how I was losing resources (e.g. time, energy) for another role. While I was doing laundry, I was annoyed that I hadn’t filled the time with seeing a therapy client, or vice versa. It’s important to understand how this dissonance (tension resulting from conflict between action and thought) occurs so that we can resolve it. In this case, we can adjust how we’re thinking about productivity.
Acceptance. Spending time in an activity to serve one role unavoidably takes away from another. As someone who has transitioned between being a working mom and a stay-at-home mom a couple of times, I know it is difficult to pause career aspirations and give up income, or lose time with children. Though all of our roles are important, roles can vary in priority at different moments in time. (Side note: I also remind myself that monetary compensation is not the best or only way to validate my productivity.) Paying less attention to one role right now does not mean that I forever lose the opportunity to fulfill it. In other words, it is alright to not embody every role perfectly at any point in time.
Acknowledge every action contributes to fulfillment of one or more roles. As we shift between roles, we can focus on new opportunities in each role. As a really simple example, in doing the laundry, I may have lost an hour of paid work. But, as a wife and mother, I am ensuring my family has clean clothes. The never ending washing and folding is meaningful.
Yes, some days are exhausting and we often worry about having enough resources. But let’s take a moment to look at larger picture — the multitude of responsibilities can also mean we are living enriched lives. Awareness of the multiple roles we embody helps us appreciate each action we take as nourishing fulfillment toward one or more of the roles.
This essay was inspired by concepts in interpersonal therapy. To find out more, these links may be helpful:
Mechanisms of Change in Interpersonal Therapy (2013) by Joshua D. Lipsitza and John C. Markowitz
Constructive feedback is welcome, please comment to let me know what you think!
I also encourage anyone struggling with the trials, triumphs, and changes that emerge with early parenthood to seek consultation with a professional.
Resources for perinatal and postpartum depression:
Paternal depression and anxiety are real too. Resources for fathers:
This essay is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment specific to you. Seek the advice of your mental health professional or other qualified health provider with questions regarding your own condition. Do not disregard professional advice or delay seeking it because of something you have read here.
