Single Mother By Choice
How to Get Pregnant Without a Man and Avoid Disaster
Five common but unexpected perils of donor conception you’ll want to avoid.
“Why didn’t you just go to a nightclub and get pregnant for free?”
Whether gay or straight, I don’t think couples ever get asked this question. But I’m a single woman who chose to increase my family size by using donor sperm. So strangers ask me this all the time.
I’m often too hurried to give a proper answer. You know how you get chatting with people while you’re standing in a queue, but then your turn comes? Or you’re at a social gathering where you need to chase the food before it’s all gone?
My short response is: “I wanted to get pregnant — not a sexually transmitted disease”.
But if I don’t exit the conversation at that point, there’s a a second question that frequently follows. “Why didn’t you just ask a male friend?”
This is where the conversation usually gets juicy.
The recipe for baby-making is simple. You need an egg, a sperm, and a uterus. So if I possessed both eggs and uterus — all I needed was sperm. And sperm is seemingly in ready supply.
So why didn’t I just knock on a neighbor’s door and ask to borrow a cup of sperm?
The truth is this. I’d already tasted what can go wrong when you don’t raise a child in the neat and tidy context of a coupled household.
My wonderful first-born son was the product of a failed relationship. Everything was hard — from finalising his Birth Certificate to arranging contact.
I imagined what my future children’s destiny might be like. And I concluded they needed better protection than a handshake.
I conceived my next four children at licensed fertility clinics with donor programs. Fertility specialists performed the treatments.
I have no legal credentials whatsoever, but suggest you consider following the same path. Here’s five reasons why the extra expenses and logistical difficulties may be worth it:
1 Dual parental consent is not a rare requirement. School enrolment, major medical procedures, overseas travel, and emigration could all be affected. But most states provide half blank Birth Certificates for donor conceived children. This does not help.
My own struggle with the Passport office was painful but brief. Thankfully I had proof my children were conceived with donor sperm whilst I was single. That’s medical evidence they have no legal father. You risk problems without that.
2 Your child deserves stability and security. But known donors can claim parental rights over children “out of the blue”. It might be pure coincidence their new partner is adamant about having their babies. All their babies. Including yours.
Remember we’re not talking about children separated from family. These are children disrupted from secure attachments to spend time with a stranger. Someone who didn’t consider themselves family yesterday. But who wants to play daddy today. Keeping in mind, nothing can stop them from changing their minds again tomorrow.
3 Most children are entitled to parental support and consideration from each parent. But you gave away your child’s rights to financial support the moment you used the word “donor”. Don’t be surprised when he only reneges on the privileges of parenthood. I haven’t heard of one volunteering to take on any parental responsibilities. The inheritance will go to their “real” children.
4 Medical records are imperfect, but solid. Private understandings are less reliable. Your donor conceived child should be able to prove their basic ancestry. Without resorting to genetic testing. Especially if the donor passes away.
5 Your child needs clear information about their conception and family structure. From birth. Will they have a donor? or will you co-parent with a chosen dad?
The roles of donor and dad are vastly different. Your child’s expectations will flow from this information. Children raised with “donor dads” will develop family based expectations. That’s not fair to real donors who did not sign up for parenthood. It’s also unfair to your child, if it’s clear they won’t be embraced as real family.
So far, six women have wanted to share their “known donor” disaster stories on my YouTube channel. We’ve discussed having their faces blurred and their voices altered. But all six fear reprisals and withdrew consent. They don’t want to risk worsening a difficult co-parenting relationship. And they don’t want to risk exacerbating their children’s relationship insecurities.
The idealistic part of me still loves the idea of known donors. Surely it would be lovely for children to meet donors during childhood if they wish? But my pragmatic side acknowledges the risks involved in making those connections.
You might assess there’s low risk of something going wrong with your known donor. But if you’re wrong, the consequences for your child and family could be serious.
It’s hard to co-parent a child. And it’s difficult for children to feel passed back and forth. Yet many co-parents do a wonderful job. And some children thrive whilst being shared between households. Best wishes to everyone traveling this path — whether it was by choice or by chance.
Every state and province is different. So if you’re still in the planning phase of becoming a single mother by choice, please seek legal advice from a lawyer in your state. If your prospective donor is from another state, you’ll need legal advice there too.
I personally favor standard altruistic ID-release donors. This allows donor conceived children to safely access their donor’s identity at age 18. From there, it should be easy to support your child to seek and define whatever connections they wish to have with their donor.
As for my four, ID release donors did not exist when they were conceived. But that’s a story for another day. In the meantime, you can see how they feel about being donor conceived here:
