How to Manage the Mom Guilt
A psychologist’s personal take on the experience of maternal guilt.
I wish I had known about the guilt. You’ve experienced it, I’ve experienced it, and if the Netflix drama The Crown is to be believed, Her Majesty the Queen of England has experienced it. No one told me about it, but I wish I’d had an idea of what to expect because it would have been helpful.
First, there was “wife guilt”.
Soon after the birth of my first child, I found myself constantly apologizing to my husband. I apologized when my newborn spat up on him, when she cried in the middle of a TV show we were watching, and when I needed him to hold her while I went to the bathroom. Basically, I apologized whenever I thought it might inconvenience him. Since I was the one who had been pregnant, part of me felt as though I was the one brought the chaotic change into our lives. I apologized numerous times a day until my husband finally exclaimed, “Stop saying sorry, why are you saying sorry?”
Here’s the thing, the key words were, “I thought” or “I felt”. My husband never felt or thought the same way at all! Guilt can be presumptuous and irrational at times. The fact is, no one is to blame for babies doing what babies do (i.e. spit up, cry, etc).
Then there was also “mum guilt”.
I felt bad that I was apologizing for my baby and for the thought that she was an inconvenience. With my firstborn, I also had expectations of how I wanted to parent and help her build healthy habits beginning in infancy (e.g. sleep and eating habits). Well, I learned that that was not easy to do at all! While trying to teach those habits, my husband and I bore with many of her tears, and felt terrible. And when we gave up trying to implement those habits strictly, we again worried that she might be losing out on something beneficial. It felt like there was no winning.
The “mum guilt” and “wife guilt” weighed heavily on me and overshadowed the more joyful aspects of growing a family.
Why do we experience guilt?
Guilt is experienced when one believes that they have committed a moral transgression. In the context of new motherhood, there are many expectations or methods that are viewed as the “right” way of caring for an infant. When the day to day reality does not match expectation, it may feel as though a “wrong” has occurred. Additionally, the process of pregnancy and childbirth involves an amazing amount of hormonal change. For example, the process of childbirth involves an increase in oxytocin, which amplifies empathy. This sensitivity to an infant’s or another’s discomfort can exaggerate the feeling of “wrongness” when a situation does not unfold as expected.
What do we do with guilt?
These were some of the strategies that helped me manage the experience of guilt.
- Acknowledge. The simple act of labeling a feeling in itself can reduce distress.
- Accept. Guilt may tell us we are horrible for feeling upset with our infant. However, it is possible to experience two apparently contrary emotions at the same time. For example, we can love our infant, and feel annoyed by their shrill cry. It is alright to have both of these feelings and not necessarily horrible.
- Check. Feelings are not facts. Guilt tends to catastrophize consequences or magnify our role in a negative outcome. Sure, perhaps we could have done some things differently. At the same time, we can find realistic evidence of positive actions that we have taken. This worksheet from the Beck Institute may be helpful.
- Change (within reason). Every emotion has a function, including guilt. Guilt serves as a prompt for us to change behavior or make amends. And perhaps there indeed are changes we could make. However, it is important to keep in mind the constraints of each of our unique life situations.
As an example, the numerous media articles about the negative effects of screen time initially led me to conclude that screen time would be disastrous for the development of my children.
- Acknowledge — I felt guilty about any screen exposure at all.
- Accept — I can worry about screen time, and also feel relief when my children are occupied.
- Check — In the context of my family’s needs, I must admit some screen time for the children allows me to accomplish other necessary tasks. Also, media entertainment for children can be educational in exposing them to information or concepts that I do not think to make explicit in the midst of our busy daily routine. That is not disastrous.
- Change — A reasonable change in my situation was then to allow screen time, but limit it to certain situations.
Going through the above exercises helped me to assess whether the guilt was justified and if there was any feasible action that I could take. Finally, intentional communication often lessens the grip that a heavy emotion has on our lives. So, I talked about it. First, with loved ones who helped me shift my perspective, and now, I’m sharing it here as well.
Mothers, you are not alone! Mentally prepare for the difficulty, and be encouraged that phases of difficulty will pass. However, I do encourage anyone struggling with the trials, triumphs, and changes that emerge with motherhood to seek consultation with a professional.
Resources for perinatal and postpartum depression:
Paternal depression and anxiety is real too. Resources for fathers:
This essay is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment specific to you. Seek the advice of your mental health professional or other qualified health provider with questions regarding your own condition. Do not disregard professional advice or delay seeking it because of something you have read here.
