I Was Afraid To Be Alone

A reminisce on the time anxiety and parenting landed me in the back of an ambulance on a Sunday afternoon.

I remember the days I was afraid to be alone with my kids. The moment I realize my husband would be away for several hours, anxiety would set in.I’d call his phone periodically to check in, hoping he’d tell me he was on his way.

Once, I even called a neighbor to come sit with me for a few minutes. She looked at me strangely when she came through the door. I wasn’t brave enough to tell her I was afraid to be alone. So I ignored her judgement as I entertained her with small talk until my anxiety went away.

I didn’t know how to handle them and myself — my thoughts and my needs. I didn’t know how to get alone time and silence in the midst of mother goose club and snack requests. I was afraid of the things I couldn’t control. The things they’d do that would ruin my day — like pouring syrup all over our suede couch. Or making a huge mess after I’d just cleaned up.

I was afraid I’d do something wrong. Or fail to complete all things on my mental to-do list. I thought I’d get overwhelmed — and one day; which led to me sitting in the back of an ambulance on a Sunday afternoon.