So you messed up as a parent (again) … Now what?
I suck at this.
I am not a good parent.
No matter how hard I try to change myself, I keep defaulting to my old ways.
I am never going to get better. I want to quit.
Do you hear yourself saying these words when you slip and fail to live up to your peaceful parenting standards? This article is for you.
Believe me, I get it. I have been there from time to time. But how can we best support ourselves when sheer “willpower” is not enough to continue? To effectively tackle this question, we must have a deeper understanding of how our brains work.
Brain States
As explained in the “Conscious Discipline Brain State Model” by Dr. Becky Bailey, there are 3 primary brain states a person can be at any given moment [1]:
1. Survival state: The flight or fight mode which requires no conscious thought. The primary goal is to ensure our physical/emotional safety.
2. Emotional state: In this state, we are overwhelmed by emotions when things don’t go our way. We might have an altercation since the other person is being completely unreasonable. Our ability to analyze or receive new information is compromised in this state.
3. Executive state: Our brain can optimize, strategize, learn, and thrive when we are in this state. We see the world through a clear lens now that our physical and emotional safety is ensured. Our actions are deliberate responses rather than instinctual reactions. This state emerges from the pre-frontal cortex which develops till we turn 25–26 (let’s allow that to sink in).
Some might call them RED, BLUE, and GREEN states but the idea remains the same. Under ideal circumstances, everyone operates from the “executive” state. But when we are triggered by certain situations or unpleasant memories, our brain defaults to an emotional / survival state. Our nervous system also actively monitors external threats, and these triggers can sometimes be mistakenly perceived as threats and our brain activates survival mode. Since these states do not require conscious thought, our mind uses its database of common patterns to come up with a reaction. All of this happens so fast that we cannot control our actions at the moment.
But where do these triggers and patterns come from?
Neural Pathways and Behavior
How are default patterns formed and why are they necessary? The simple answer is to reduce the number of active decisions we make. We make hundreds of decisions a day from what to wear to planning the entire week. Each of these decisions requires thought and thought requires energy. The brain is the most energy-demanding organ in our body. So, from an evolutionary survival standpoint, it makes sense to reduce the energy expense of the brain for common tasks. Our brain does this by forming neural pathways (firing a sequence of neurons) to do a particular task, the exact same way, every single time [2]. Activating these pathways drives automatic action which requires no thought, thus saving energy for other bodily functions. For example, you wouldn’t think twice about “how” to brush your teeth in the morning. If you do, you will be surprised that it is harder to brush since we are interfering with the neural pathway that was already established for this task! These neural pathways are created by repetition.
You might be wondering, “That makes sense for things like brushing my teeth, but how did I learn to yell or spank my child?”. Well, these undesirable behaviors also exist as neural pathways within our brains. You see we learn either by doing or by observing what others do. A family of neurons that governs this process is called “mirror neurons”. Aptly named, these neurons are a part of what makes your existing neural pathways, and they fire up not just when you perform the task but also when you observe someone performing the same task [3]. In a way, they facilitate learning through observation and imitation. This is why when we are yelled at, we learn to yell. When we are spanked, our brains believe it is ok to spank a child when they are “misbehaving” [4]. As a child, if your intense emotions and tantrums are ignored, you will learn to ignore your child’s emotions. It need not be a personal experience but a socio-cultural norm of raising children this way would be enough to learn these patterns. The more you see, the more you learn, the stronger these pathways get. You wouldn’t think twice before acting. These experiences not only shape our future relationships but also the relationship we have with our own thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
Neuroplasticity
So, are we set in our ways? Definitely not. You see, these neural pathways exist for a purpose. If a pathway is no longer necessary, we wouldn’t be acting it out often and as a result, they will lose their strength and fade away. We can learn new patterns to replace them through deliberate practice, simulation, and learning. This fantastic property of the brain is called Neuroplasticity; the brain’s ability to learn and adapt. This ability decreases with age, but we never lose it completely. This has been known for quite some time, but the process is not well defined when it comes using it to change the way we parent. Let’s bring some clarity to this using what we know so far.
Turning flaws into strengths
To begin with, there needs to be a mindset shift. We are not parents who are trying to be peaceful. We ARE peaceful parents trying our best to maintain peace. We are allowed to make mistakes and no mistake defines you as a parent. With this backdrop, we are less likely to lose hope in the process since we are not aspiring to reach an arbitrary standard.
Recall from our first section on Brain states, we said we are sent from the Executive state to Emotional / Survival states when our buttons are pushed or when our nervous system detects a threat. Our job is to identify these triggers or threats and WRITE THEM DOWN. Identifying the trigger enables us to bring more awareness to it. Next time we are triggered for the same reason, our conscious brain will remember to watch our reaction. The executive state would not immediately lose its gatekeeping powers if it knew what to expect. Put this list up in a place where you frequently look. Write a big “10 SEC PAUSE” next to these triggers. This is a reminder to intentionally take a 10-second pause between the trigger and our response. This would give us some time to process what is happening without jumping to our defaults.
Next, we must practice what to do differently when these triggers happen. By practice, I mean actively simulating how we are going to respond differently through an elaborate visualization. We must relive the trigger, vividly see ourselves calming down, using an assertive yet gentle tone, and being completely present for our children; physically and emotionally. In a way we relive past experiences, but this time through the lens of our Executive brain state. I know what you are thinking. “Well, I might think differently but does that mean I would do things differently?” Research provides solid evidence that it does [5]. Mentally simulating a superior version of our response is as effective as doing it in forming the necessary neural links and pathways. The more we do it, the stronger these new pathways become!
We can also achieve a similar benefit by exploiting the power of mirror neurons. Just like how we learned these undesirable behaviors by watching how others behaved, we can train our brains by watching YouTube videos of parents effectively dealing with tantrums, meltdowns and other difficult moments. This would activate the mirror neurons associated with the trigger (let’s say, the tantrum) but your brain would learn how to manage it effectively by observing what follows. This forges new neural pathways which would benefit everyone in the long run. Since our societal circle plays a huge role in this, it is better to surround yourself with people who share your views on childcare since we can also learn from their intentions and behaviors; thanks to mirror neurons. Even if these interactions don’t change your life, you would at least have someone who knows how hard this journey can be; you need that support system.
Is it worth it?
Is it time to quit if you slip? Not really. You see we are creatures of habit and there are times when things get beyond our control. We might react in a way that we are not proud of. The best thing to do in those situations is to “repair”. Dr. Daniel Seigel puts it best in his book The Power of Showing Up.
“Even your mistakes can be used to build a kid’s feelings of safety and strengthen the parent-child bond. Because the less-than-perfect parental reactions give kids opportunities to deal with difficult situations and therefore develop new skills — like learning to control themselves even though their parent isn’t doing such a great job of controlling themselves. And then they get to see you come back later and apologize and repair with them. They also learn to tolerate that there are ruptures and then repairs in relationships. But as long as you take steps afterward to restore the relationship and respond effectively there at the moment, you can cut yourself some slack and know that even though you might wish you’d done things differently, the experience was still valuable for your child.” [6]
Through immediate repair, we foster a mutually respectful relationship with our children. They might not forgive us instantly, but they would at least know that we care about their feelings, and they can trust us to be there for them. Isn’t that all we need?
Summary
Though we are a product of our past experiences, and we tend to revert to our old ways from time to time doesn’t mean we just throw the towel. There are ways to break our default patterns and replace them with useful ones. Do these simple steps for a month and you will start noticing a change:
1. Maintain a list of triggers. Notice and write down your triggers to bring more awareness to them.
2. Write a “10 SEC PAUSE” next to each trigger. This instructs your brain to pause before you respond to the trigger.
3. Mentally simulate your ideal trigger response. Actively live in the triggering situation feeling how your body and mind would react productively. Allocate 10 minutes a day for this. The more you relive these events differently, the more you rewrite your patterns.
4. Watch videos of parents effectively dealing with challenges. The goal is to just watch and not compare yourself against them. This creates new productive response pathways in your brain with the help of mirror neurons.
5. Surround yourself with like-minded people. They help reinforce your newly learned patterns and act as your support system when things get rough.
6. Even if you slip, take some time to process your emotions and immediately apologize and repair the relationship. It teaches kids how people interact in healthy relationships and sets the tone for their future relationships.
Remember, our commitment to raising resilient children will be fulfilled when we model resilience in such hard times. But do find someone to talk to if you feel stuck. It is always ok to seek help.
If you want to know what to do when things are spiraling out of control, check out my previous article:
Cheers.
References
[1] Conscious Discipline. (2021, July 3). Brain State Model — conscious discipline. https://consciousdiscipline.com/methodology/brain-state-model/
[2] Mendelsohn, A. I. (2019). Creatures of Habit: the neuroscience of habit and purposeful behavior. Biological Psychiatry, 85(11), e49–e51. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.biopsych.2019.03.978
[3] Iacoboni, M. (2009). Imitation, empathy, and mirror neurons. Annual Review of Psychology, 60(1), 653–670. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.60.110707.163604
[4] Durrant, J. E., & Ensom, R. (2012). Physical punishment of children: lessons from 20 years of research. Canadian Medical Association Journal, 184(12), 1373–1377. https://doi.org/10.1503/cmaj.101314
[5] Cole, S. N., Smith, D., Ragan, K., Suurmond, R., & Armitage, C. J. (2021). Synthesizing the effects of mental simulation on behavior change: Systematic review and multilevel meta-analysis. Psychonomic Bulletin & Review, 28(5), 1514–1537. https://doi.org/10.3758/s13423-021-01880-6
[6] Siegel, D. J., & Payne-Bryson, T. (2020). The power of showing up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired.
