The Normalization of Codependent Parenting
Our children want and need happy parents. Not conditionally happy parents, who are only happy when their rules are followed regardless of any cost.
“Can you be happy AND a good parent?”
This is the conversation with a friend. A separated mother of three, she feels guilty enjoying her weekends away from her children, as though you can be a good parent or happy, but never both.
I get it. The self sacrificial mother is glamorized in our world. Mom guilt a normalized term. So the unspoken agreement is that you can’t be both a good mother AND happy.
Apparently, you can only be as happy as your least happy child. This statement has been repeated to me by women too many times, & it dehumanizes us by denying our existence outside of our role as mothers. Back to self sacrifice for a minute- sacrifice is defined as “an act of giving up something valued for the sake of something else regarded as more important or worthy.” The concepts of motherhood and sacrifice have fused into an expectation in our culture. It is a role many of us step into with honour. A parent-martyr is a noble role. Until the burnout hits & they realize they have been sacrificing themselves to depletion & have been running on empty for years, & there is simply nothing left of them. Nothing left for them, nothing left for their children, nor for anyone or anything else they may love.
As a child, I observed both of my parents in sacrifice to their called duty and obligation. They cited their love for us – their children – as the reason for their self-denial, self- abandonment, & escaping.
As a result, I was also on the receiving end of a lot of unprocessed anger, violence, and other expressions of unregulated nervous systems, and people who denied themselves pleasure in the name of sacrifice for the family. I faithfully inherited from my parents the dynamic of denying my Self pleasures, & shutting down my own feelings in order to cater to theirs, adapting to behave only in ways that would validate their sacrifices for us- myself & my siblings.
After much inner struggle, anguish, and disruption, I have done something unorthodox. I dared to give myself permission to feel happy regardless of how my three children or anyone else in my family was doing.
In fact, I do all I can to arrive at a place where my personal well being and happiness no longer fluctuate with the moods of people and circumstances that are completely out of my control.
It is the best thing I’ve done for myself and my family. I am nourished enough to not collapse when one of the people I love is going through a rough time and needs the safety of my nonjudgmental, detached, wise presence. I couldn’t be that when my happiness and capacities depended on everyone’s good mood.
Now, I am a firm believer that what our children need the most is happy and fulfilled parents – not stressed, not overwhelmed, not perfect, not successful, not sacrificed to depletion, while expecting everyone else to sacrifice, too.
Children need calm relaxed parents. Parents who cultivate and model self-care. Parents with well-regulated nervous systems. Parents who can be in the present moment and attune to their children’s emotional state. Parents who can notice their child’s sadness and not freak out or try to fix it. Parents who do not withdraw love when their children are different than the images they’ve attached to when they dreamed of having a family.
Our children want and need happy parents. Not conditionally happy parents, who are only happy when their rules are followed regardless of any cost. Not parents who sacrifice, judge themselves, and police everyone else. Not parents who are focused on the least happy child, unable to be there for the child who is thriving.
They need parents who are happy and fulfilled in their own right, guilt-free, able to give the gift of generous presence and nonjudgmental attention to their children, which is the biggest gift of all.
It is only when we give ourselves permission to pursue happiness, in whatever way it means to us, that we can extend that generosity to others.
That is unconditional love. And we can only give it to others when we’ve learned how to give it to ourselves.
