The Power Struggle Over Food
Who are the real winners and losers?
Will you do just about anything to ensure your child gets the food and nutrients they need to grow and develop into a healthy adult?
If you’re nodding your head ‘yes,’ you’re not alone.
Understandably, parents want their child to eat, and to eat well.
They’ll try coercion, rewards, threats, and nagging, but it often falls flat.
It doesn’t get a child to eat, and only makes things more stressful and upsetting.
For everyone.
When an adult can’t get a child to cooperate with eating, for some reason, it screams failure with a capital F.
There’s nothing more frustrating than a child who’s obstinate, throwing a tantrum, and unwilling to touch what you’ve made for mealtime.
And it’s embarrassing to be in a power struggle over food. Not to mention, a power struggle with a child.
Any parent who finds themselves in this position can shift the power dynamic with a few positive feeding strategies.
What is a Power Struggle with Food?
Simply put, a power struggle over food is when a child refuses to eat a particular food or to eat at all.
A parent responds with bribery, coercion, or threats in an attempt to get the child to eat.
These tactics create a negative feeding environment and, as many parents know, don’t have the intended result.
You may have experienced a power struggle or two with your little one and noticed if you reacted negatively, your child becomes even more stubborn and not likely to give in.
Parents Influence a Child’s Eating Behaviors
Parents are one of the biggest influences on a child’s eating behavior.
And not always in the way they intend.
A 2017 study in the International Journal of Behavioral Nutrition and Physical Activity found that restricting food, using food as a reward, or pressuring kids to eat doesn’t increase the likelihood that kids will eat well.
Actually, these tactics were correlated with unhealthy food consumption.
To boot, kids may develop eating behaviors like hiding or sneaking foods, emotional eating, or they can stay stuck in picky eating behaviors.
Here are examples of parenting actions that can generate a power struggle:
- Restricting foods or amounts or second helpings
- Pressure to take another bite or finish the meal
- Hiding or sneaking foods (like vegetables!) into other foods
- Bribing with dessert for eating a certain food or amount
- Punishing a child by taking away TV, toys or other privileges
- Controlling food by hiding it or keeping it out of reach
Don’t feel bad if you’ve tried these.
There are some positive alternatives that spare you and your child from mealtime stress!
How to Avoid Meal Time Battles
As a childhood nutrition expert, I’ve worked with many families to break the food power struggle.
My experience tells me that parents worry their child isn’t eating enough, is eating too much, or isn’t eating the right foods.
It’s all pretty much a reaction to a child’s eating behaviors.
Instead of bringing all that worry with you to the table, trust that you have control over the food you offer and that your child will be okay even if all his meals and snacks aren’t going as well as you would like.
It’s the overall quality of a child’s diet that’s important.
Strategies to Avoid a Power Struggle with Food
1. Use Satter’s Division of Responsibility
Instead of bribing, coercing, or threatening with punishment, the best way to end battles at the table is to establish what you as a parent are responsible for, and what your child is in charge of during meals.
Ellyn Satter’s Division of Responsibility is a go-to strategy to help parents set mealtime boundaries.
And it goes like this:
Parents are responsible for what, where, and when a child eats.
Kids decide how much they eat and whether they eat.
Yes, that means letting go of some control at the table and allowing your child to determine how much food they will eat or whether they’ll even eat at all.
Remember, you’re still in charge of what food you offer your child.
2. Don’t Use Food as a Bargaining Chip
It’s tempting to use dessert as a bribe to get kids to eat.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work.
Kids learn to see dessert as a means to an end and view healthy food as something they must endure to earn the reward.
Even if you get the result you were hoping for at one meal, this tactic creates a cycle with potential negative effects long term.
Also, using food rewards may increase emotional and picky eating as kids get older, according to a 2020 study in Pediatric Obesity.
Plus, external rewards can decrease internal motivation. Not only that, kids may lose their ability to eat intuitively by learning to ignore their internal hunger and fullness signals.
3. Offer Food Your Child Likes and/or Will Eat
It’s a good idea to offer at least one food you know your child likes and will eat at every meal.
Don’t worry. I’m not suggesting you make a separate main course or serve their favorite foods.
Serve family-style meals and include an easy side dish your child is able to eat, such as applesauce, crackers, or a cheese stick, along with the rest of the meal.
Or, make a meal or side dish that everyone, including your child, will eat without push-back.
Instead of plating everyone’s food, serve the food in the center of the table and allow kids to take what and how much they want.
Your child won’t feel pressured to eat, which also takes the pressure off you.
It’s okay if your child only takes a side dish or two as long as he eats a balanced diet over the course of a week.
4. Establish a Meal and Snack Schedule
Hungry kids who demand food between meals may be on their way to a power struggle.
Schedules help parents stay one step ahead and keep kids from getting too hungry.
Predictable feeding schedules reduce anxiety and tension in the house for both children and parents and keep chaos at bay.
Kids know when to expect meals and snacks so they’ll be less likely to ask for food throughout the day.
Parents have time to prepare healthy snacks and meals, so they don’t have to scramble to find a snack for a cranky and over-hungry child.
Feeding schedules aren’t used to restrict the amount of food your child eats.
Schedules simply create consistency and keep children from grazing between meals.
That way, kids come to the table hungry and ready to eat.
Prevent Power Struggles and Be Patient
Many kids experience some degree of picky eating during childhood.
After all, kids have preferences, and pushing the boundaries for autonomy is a normal part of development.
You can expect a certain amount of resistance to new foods.
My best advice is to be patient and don’t react when your child refuses to eat.
Here’s what you can do:
Change the dynamic around food by starting with a pleasant eating environment.
Encourage your child to follow his hunger and fullness signals.
Build in more structure with a meal and snack schedule, and expose your child to healthy foods without pressuring them to eat.
Thanks for reading! I’ve got more nutrition information coming so be sure to follow me here or head over to The Nourished Child!
