Want To Communicate Better With Your Child?
Talk less. Talk right.
“The most important thing in communication is to hear what isn’t being said”, says Peter Drucker.
Take a moment to soak in the importance of the sentence. Communication is one of the pillars upon which strong relationships are built. May it be between spouses, parents & children, or even corporate relations.
And it is not just about the words that are spoken, it is so much more than that.
When it comes to children, it is a real tough job to communicate with them. With inexhaustible energy, limitless imagination, and insatiable curiosity, they demand a lot from us parents.
Listening, with an intent to listen
Communication is 60% listening and 40% talking. You have to got to listen, in order to have an effective conversation. And listen, how?
Imagine yourself in a room, and you are presenting something. And one of the listeners is fiddling with his pen, another checking her phone, another looking out of the window, and another making his own presentation! I did not ask about how you feel, right?
Now, just replicate the same situation but the presenter is your child and you are the listener. Why should the feeling be any different?
Just because your work is ‘important’? Meaningful? But it feels the same for the little guy too!
Okay, okay, I know you got the point and no one is reprimanding you.
Now, let’s lay down some listening rules now, shall we?
- Listening actively: That means you listen as you listen to gossip — full attention.
- Maintain eye contact: Look into those beautiful, expressive eyes as you listen.
- No distractions please: Don’t multi-task listening with something. Pay attention. It is important for him/her.
- Don’t fake it: No ‘an-hans’ and ‘oh-hos’ while you think of finishing that next thing you need to do.
- Ask questions: The key thing. A good listener will have something to say at the end of the conversation. Have something to ask. Trust me, this IS the most crucial part. It means you have processed whatever the child told you.
- If not now, then later: Listening to everything would not be possible, either. So, tell the child that right now may not be a great time to listen to him but you would love to hear about it later. And do remember to come back and ask about it. That way, there is a trust that they would be heard, for sure.
Mirror your child’s emotion
Children are a storehouse of emotions. They can be filled with absolute emotions, sometimes too much of it. It is best to acknowledge the emotion the child is experiencing.
“Mama, I won the race!” “No doubt, your shirt is so dirty.”
“Pops, I did not get a part in the play.” “Next time. Try harder”
You can clearly make out a mismatch in the emotions- enthusiasm responded with sarcasm and disappointment with a prescriptive one.
Other things can come in later. But first, acknowledge the emotion.
Yes, I feel you.
There are times when the surge of emotion is too high for them, so high that they are not sure what it is. It is better to say out loud for them.
“Maybe you are upset about not being allowed watch time.”
Because they are not equipped to channelize them. Helping them identify it, makes it easier to process.
Suppress the urge to blame or say I-told-you-so
This will benefit YOU more than them, in the long run. Ever wondered why kids stop coming and telling their parents about every single thing that they did? Because, when kids everything that did was so ‘awww’ (read cute) and as they grow older, we start finding faults with their actions.
Children will do their share of mistakes and take their share of falls. As parents, it is better to be aware of them than not. Keeping an open channel will help keep the information flowing.
The analysis can and should be done. But at a later stage. Not right away.
The moment you start putting a finger on the blame button or go flashback to when you had predicted something like this, the flow of information stops. It is better to bite the tongue and listen to it all.
Separate the person and incident
Extremely important. Judge the action, not the person.
“You are such a fool. Who puts detergent in the dishwasher!”
“Dish soap is for the dishwasher and detergent is for the clothes. Switching is a silly thing to do.”
Action. Person. Person. Action. Different.
When you comment about the action, it is limited to the choice of the decision taken. When you comment about the person, it is a judgment, a verdict about who you are.
Ask for a solution before handing out one
Problem. Solution. Sorted.
If only that were so easy. I know as parents, we feel we have seen more, know more, and are better equipped to solve their problems better than our kids. And actually, it might be the case. But that is not the best way.
Handing out a solution takes away all the control from the children. It may be the best solution, but they did not make it.
- Do not be in a hurry to reach the solution. Will make you sound Know-it-all. Kids hate that — to be treated like kids. Funny, right?
- Steer the conversation towards the probable solutions.
- Ask questions as if you are interested in knowing about the options.
- Make it look like they arrived at the decision.
The idea is to give back the control to them in a guided way. The process makes them more assertive, as well as aid in their decision-making process in the future.
Wrap-up
Trust me, kids are smart. And going by the rate of evolution, maybe smarter than us. They know and sense everything.
If I have to squeeze everything in a nutshell;
- Listen objectively and with full conviction
- Share the emotion of your child
- Get to know the full story before you need to say something
- Remember- do not judge the person, judge the incident
- Lead the child to the decision rather than giving it away in a platter
Communicating with a child is no easy task. As it is, parenting never was. It just needs that dash of patience and respect that makes all the difference.
So, happy parenting!
