Why do children get annoyed when you talk? I was finally enlightened after reading this article
The child no longer wants to communicate with his parents. It must have started from a very young age.
“What are you most afraid of your son saying to you?”
“I’m most afraid that he won’t say anything.”
Every time you ask your son, “How is school life?”
My son’s answer is always “very good” and “just like that”, and there is nothing else to say.
“This is what I’m most afraid of, because if you don’t understand him, you won’t be able to enter his world.”
The first words a child learns by babbling are taught by his parents. Why do the older he grows up, the more he has nothing to say to his parents?
These words are asked by parents and stuck in the hearts of children.
She said that when she was a child, her mother was afraid that she would catch a cold and always liked to bathe her with very hot water.
Although the mother tested the water temperature with her hands and thought it was just right, for a child with delicate skin, the water was really hot.
She protested with her mother more than once, but her mother always said: “I tried it, but it doesn’t get hot, and it gets cold after washing.”
Although she fought countless times, she was defeated by her mother’s “self-feeling” in the end.
Over time, she felt that what she said was in vain, so she “shut her mouth” obediently. However, she would still be particularly scared every time she took a bath.
Until one time, the water boiled beyond the limit, and she felt as if every pore was being pricked by thousands of needles.
She wanted to plead with her mother, but when she thought about it, the result must be that “Mom doesn’t feel hot.” As a young girl, she cried feebly as she thought about it.
Her cry finally earned her mother a cold response: “What’s the point of crying? I’ll just give you some cold water.”
There is always a “thermometer” between parents and children.
When a child feels “hot”, parents will always use words such as “It’s not hot, it doesn’t matter, don’t cry…” to force the child to surrender.
Therefore, those children who grew up in “scalding water” slowly became silent as they suffered again and again.
Scenes like this can be seen everywhere in life: the girl’s turtle died and she was very sad.
Mom said: “What’s so sad about it? Just buy another one.”
The boy’s rice was cold and he didn’t want to eat it.
Mom said, “No, keep eating. It’s still hot. Who told you to eat slowly?”
Parents always don’t understand why their children don’t want to talk to them.
But the child has clearly said many times: “The bath water is very hot”, “I’m full”, “I’m sad”…
“Communication” is two-way and requires feedback.
When children express themselves, do parents really give them feedback that would make them willing to continue communicating?
Psychologist Jonis Weber once said: “If parents fail to give their children adequate emotional responses during childhood, it will cause potential psychological trauma to the children.”
When a child’s expressed feelings are not understood, not seen, or even denied and suppressed, his heart slowly closes.
Someone once asked: “Why do children have less to say to their parents?” Who would be willing to communicate with someone who thinks he is always right?
The mother takes her daughter shopping for clothes, but she never helps her buy clothes that she thinks look good.
“Pink doesn’t look good. You look fat in it.”
“This color gets dirty easily.”
“What do children know about aesthetics?”
Her mother’s words made the girl become silent. After several experiences, the girl no longer wanted to go shopping with her mother.
My first grade son made new friends.
Dad yelled loudly: “Don’t play with XX. His grades are so bad. How can he be successful in the future? Play more with the monitor.”
The child lowered his head in disappointment. After a few more situations like this, the son no longer shares any of this joy with his father.
As a child, you must have heard these words, and as a parent, you may have said these words too.
Are these words correct? right!
Are these words good for children? yes!
But did the child listen? No!
The “rightness” of being a parent is based on belittling children’s aesthetics and friends selection. Such “rightness” is silently wrong.
It reduces communication between parent and child to nothing more than “um, oh, got it.”
Parents always think: “I have eaten more salt than you have eaten rice, how could I be wrong?”
But if the “salt” fed by parents is too much, the child will feel bitter and uncomfortable, because what the child wants to eat is sugar.
What parents want to say is that what they care about is what they think is right, but they ignore the feelings of their children.
The sentence “I am your mother, and I am doing this for your own good” suppresses all the children’s inner thoughts under the “Five Finger Mountain”.
Parents always want to prove that they are right, which is a mistake in itself.
“There are two fundamental reasons why adults often cannot find a suitable method when raising children, turning education into a destructive behavior: First, they do not trust their children, but they trust themselves too much.”
In parent-child communication, you are right as much as you are wrong, because winning over the child is far more important than winning over the child.
After becoming a parent, I discovered that parent-child communication is the most difficult lever to balance, which often puts us in a dilemma: if we don’t speak, we are afraid that he will be wrong; if we speak too much, he will not listen.
Parents’ language is their children’s gateway to the future world. How you speak so that your children are willing to listen is very important.
Once, I witnessed a “parent-child relationship overturning drama” at the community playground.
A little boy was building a house. He was about to finish it, but he accidentally touched it and it all collapsed. He angrily grabbed the blocks and smashed them.
When my mother saw this, she yelled: “Don’t throw the blocks around, why are you so naughty?”
The little boy didn’t listen at all and continued to go his own way. The mother beat him again and again, and he broke down and cried.
My mother became even more angry, “I just know that if I cry, it will never end. Isn’t it just that the building blocks have collapsed?”
Finally, the boy hit his mother hard twice, called him a “bad mother” and ran away. The mother was left sighing, “This child has reached the rebellious stage and I can’t control him at all.”
“Why do children lose their temper so much?”
“Why don’t you listen to what you said?”
In life, such scenes are always repeated, and mothers are exhausted physically and mentally fighting against the “little devils” every day.
“No, no, not allowed…”
When we emphasize these words repeatedly with an accusatory tone, what the children hear and feel is “forbidden and not cared about”, and then they lose control of their emotions.
When he was a child, you would see him crying; when he grows up, you won’t see him. Therefore, good parent-child communication should start with “accepting the child’s emotions.”
“A child’s upper and lower brains develop differently. The lower brain is the emotional brain and is mature. When a child encounters difficulties, the lower brain must be activated first.
Only by seeing the child’s emotions first can we guide the child to mobilize the upper brain (rational brain) and thereby improve his behavior. “
If we change the previous communication method to the following steps, the child may not be so difficult.
You didn’t build the house, are you angry? (see emotions)
If my mother didn’t set it up properly, I would be angry too. (emotional empathy)
Mom also wants to build the building blocks. (Shared expectations)
It’s wrong to throw the blocks, let’s pick them up together. (deny bad behavior and act together).
Only when the child’s emotions are seen, he feels cared for, and resonates with his parents can your communication be effective.
It is worth noting that we have to “treat” children’s emotions and behaviors differently.
Good and bad emotions need to be seen, but bad behavior needs to be “killed.”
It’s like letting children know that “it’s okay to get angry if a building block collapses, but it’s not okay to throw it around.” “You can stamp your feet when you’re angry.”
Accept the child’s emotions and use alternative plans to guide the child’s behavior. Parent-child communication will not be like “playing the piano to a cow”, and neither party can get into the heart.
“Many parents spend their entire lives wandering outside the door of their children’s hearts. They don’t find the key, but they blame their children for having difficulty communicating.”
Bad behavior can be denied, but emotions must be seen first. Only when children truly feel accepted will they be willing to get close to you and open their hearts.
“How many parents and children are in the same room but have nothing to talk about. They love each other deeply but don’t know each other. They yearn for contact but can’t find a bridge. They long for expression but don’t have the language.”
Parents and children are becoming more and more distant and have nothing to say. The trigger in the beginning may be the phrase “water is not hot”.
Remember, our feelings are not our children’s feelings; our experiences are not a substitute for our children’s lives.
Only we bend down, see the child’s feelings, understand his emotions, and hear the voice from the bottom of his heart.
That little person would trustfully put his hand on our shoulders, hug us and have a good chat.
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