Yelling at Your Kids? STOP!
There is a deeper level of harm that fathers do to themselves as they yell.
Hey Dads, have you ever yelled at your kids? After trying to tell your kids to not do or do a certain thing for the infinite time and still seeing no result, any sane parent or dad can see the various keeping calm techniques evaporating. The result is: Yelling at kids
But how do you feel after you have yelled at your kid? A recent study points to a deeper level of harm that fathers do to themselves as they yell. A sudden surge of anger sends adrenaline shooting through your blood, resulting in extreme alertness, sensitivity, and muscle tension.
What happens when we have a sudden adrenaline rush? We feel a deeper urge to scream, shout, hit which are all the harm causing reactions and lead to further more serious issues of heightened blood pressure and heart palpitations.
On the other end of the spectrum, the results and reactions are also unpleasant. The same research points out that kids who are being yelled at get frightened, which yields more problematic behavior and becomes susceptible to more yelling.
They can either fight back or freeze as a “fight” or “flight” reaction. Often fathers who are often more of a disciplinarian in domestic setups are unaware off this cycle and the cause and effect of the yelling that they indulge in.
Another factor to consider is that nobody enjoys being yelled at. As an adult, you would not. So why are kids being thought of as different? And their reaction is also very similar to adults. They will either shout back or shut down and completely stop listening to you.
It is often noted that kids start yelling back as they receive a consistent barrage of yells and shouts. As this increasingly becomes a norm and an expectation of something that every interaction leads to, kids tend to form a mechanism to retaliate and act unaffected.
There are also instances where kids retort back saying ” You scream at me for no reason anyway, so why should I listen”. These are all telltale signs that as a father or a parent you need to check your behavior first before you figure out how to deal with your kids.
We as fathers make a lot of mistakes. Lord knows, how bad we are at being fathers when we start and how we rise up to the occasion and do whatever it takes and learn whatever is need to learn, to make this fatherhood thing work.
In the similar spirit of things, as fathers, we owe it to ourselves and our next generation to try and make your home a calm and relaxing place where respect and love drive the conversation of any order and of any scale. The road of fatherhood is paved with mistakes but its all worth it.
It can be agreed that yelling can come from the best of the intentions. Parents want to be good parents and it's their inability to communicate the message to their kids that result in their yelling which eventually is harmful to kids. Yelling it is believed lessens the connections between a parent and the children.
It furthers damages a child’s self-esteem, their sense of self-worth. The child will inadvertently think that this is what he deserves and not that the father or mother is frustrated.
This pattern of yelling consistently at kids, however, is never helpful in terms of discipline as it becomes white noise and children assume that as they default communication methodology.
But what does yelling at your kid really do?
Of course, we have stated above the harmful effects that yelling has on your own health as well as on the psychology of the child. But also what it invariably does is bring the spotlight on you. Imagine you land up at a crime scene unaware of what conspired and all of a sudden the cops start chasing you for the crime.
The real criminal is home free. Well, in reality, it's not that grim of a situation but the effects are similar. The child is already feeling bad and on top of that when you send a barrage of yells his way, he reacts in frustration and takes your reaction as something cruel or mean.
What this also does is take the focus away from the mischief or misdeed that your child did. In fact, in all the yelling the child is not even thinking of what he did which is causing all the yells to come his way. He is just focused on you yelling at them and why are you so mean to them.
Does this make you a bad parent?
Of course not. The reason you first yelled is that you are a concerned parent who cannot watch from the sidelines as your child indulges in something inappropriate or might hurt themself in the process of doing so.
The daily toil and chores are overwhelming and get the better of the best of us and when this gets further compiled by the incessant mischiefs of our kids, we lose it. And we are not alone. This situation is shared by millions of parents and fathers across the world who want to be good parents and in the process end up yelling at their child.
As fathers, we only know the turmoils we go through day in day out. especially for the involved dads and there are days which do not go as planned. The highs and lows of life have daunted the best of us.
And still, we stand up the next day to go through it repeatedly all because we care of our little ones. We can very easily bail on the whole situation and walk away but that is not what parenting and fatherhood are about.
We stick to it because our hopes and aspirations are tied in our child as we watch them grow as the best version of ourselves. Feeling guilty for yelling at your child is a natural response and is a reminder to us to step back and analyse the situation.
So what to do, after you have yelled at your child?
- Calm down: Its vital for you to regain your composure first before doing anything else. Takes deep breathes, count or drink a glass of water.
Basically whatever helps to bring your heartbeat to a normal level and helps you to think of what just happened and how to move forward from here. Of course, your child is angry as well and maybe crying too so it becomes imperative that you act and re-establish the connection. - Give a reassuring Hug: Once you are ready to act and your mind and body are calm, go to your child and offer a hug and tell them you are sorry and you love them so much. This should be heartfelt and the child should feel that you are sorry for the way you acted and yous till love them so much.
In some cases, this might take some time as the child will not accept your apologies straightway. Put you have to be persistent and keep your equanimity while doing so. In your heart, you know what caused it, but stay focused and reconnect with your child. - Patience: This takes practice and is one of the most challenging aspects of repairing a relationship as you are not in control of the other person. And you are dealing with a child who is angry, upset and is not thinking straight.
They need to see that you love and value them which can take some time to be recognized and accepted. - Do something together: After you see some change in your child’s behavior, its time to step it up. Get together and do some bonding activities with your child.
Take them to an ice cream parlor, play his favorite sport and let them win, go for a bicycle ride, go for a walk/jog in the park, tell jokes to each other, watch a movie, etc.
All these activities have the common theme about you two spending special time together which will further enforce positivity on your bond.
The effort you make to reconcile tells your child that you care for them. On the flipside, not doing anything sends a message that you don’t care about how the child thinks.
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This story was previously published on DadTribe.in.
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