Gratitude Letter #4

Thanks, 31 for Seriously Sucking. Seriously.

I turned 32 yesterday.

There was no pomp or flare about the day. I woke up, early as usual, and went with my dog through the Starbucks drive-thru for my complimentary birthday drink. (I got a Venti PSL because it was my birthday, and I fucking love pumpkin spice, call me what you will.)

I spent the day how I wanted: running errands, potting house plants, reading a true crime book, dozing off and attending my favorite work out class. (Mai! Don’t leave us!) My birthday dinner was Velveeta shells and cheese, and when I finished that, I took a candle-lit bath while I watched a show on my iPad. I played “Lisa, It’s Your Birthday” on my phone while I blew out the candle on the chocolate cupcake I bought for myself. I was in bed before 9:30, asleep before 10.

With a few exceptions (Mark, the Fred Meyer cashier and my Body Combat instructor, Mai), I spent the day entirely alone, with my dog. In some ways, it was sad, it some ways it was liberating, in every way it was perfect.

Thirty-one was, without a doubt, the hardest, most painful, and most transformational year of my life. I came out of that year a completely different woman than the one who entered. I have no words to describe the grief, growth and glory I’ve felt over the course of the past year. I’ve learned to rely on myself, looking to others for support and encouragement rather than approval and direction. Spending the first day of being 32 with anyone besides just myself just didn’t feel right. Only I control my life and happiness, and I wanted to start this new year celebrating me, with only me.

So thank you, 31, for being seriously shitty. Thanks for the heartbreak, the tears (and more tears), the most intense emotional pain I’ve ever felt, the numbness, the disappointments and the loss. Thanks for taking the life I thought I had and snatching it away from me, in both one single moment and slowly, over time. Thank you for making me feel hopeless, worthless and beyond repair. Thank you for making me feel like nothing was worth it.

Because without all that, I would never know how strong, beautiful, brave and smart I truly am.

But mostly, 31, thank you for being over!