Petition to Abolish the Nickel
Fuck a bunch of nickels. These ass sores on the bottom that is the change jar or vehicle ash tray are a nuisance-affront to broke people in America.
Seriously. What clown came up with the idea for these quarter-fake pieces of garbage that do nothing but excite the hopes only to dash them viciously immediately thereafter?
If you’ve ever been too broke to buy a bottle of booze like a grown man (meaning with bills or a card) and had to resort to change scrounging just to get a cheap-ass quart of horse piss brew, you have suffered at the hands of this laughing-stock among fractional currencies.
If you’ve ever needed just enough gas to get to the bank with your paycheck and gone change fishing, you must have at least some contempt for this half-assed excuse for a coin.
If for any reason at all you have found yourself shaking the piggy bank or otherwise scrambling for scratch, the nickel is unlikely to ever be a friend you are happy to see. On the contrary, the nickel becomes equivalent to the friend who never pitches in on the pizza, and is by his presence a liability rather than an asset.
A nickel is like the uncle who talks too much and keeps you on the phone for three hours when you fuck up and take his call, or an exercise in anguish and frustration with little to no payout.
You’d need about 50 nickels to get a subpar cheeseburger. It would require around 100 to get a decent drink at a convenience store.
If you don’t have at least 200 of these imposters forget about getting any beer or a pack of smokes. That is over TWO POUNDS of nickels!
I’d take five pennies any day out of sheer spite and leave the nickel on the ground, cold and alone. With pennies you know what you are getting, and have no serious expectations. Pennies are honest and unassuming, not trying to be something they are not and humbly offering to help out with those last few cents on the cheap beer or gallon of gas or pack of crappy smokes.
A nickel, on the other hand, will lie to you every damn time you see one, trying to look a fat as possible in the lighting or tilting at just the right angle so when your eyes fall on it, just for a second, you dare to think “Oh my god is that a quarter?”
The nickel is a lying whore who says she loves you but screws your brother while you’re at work busting your ass to support her. It is the man who romances you off your feet for six months and then once you move into a place together he stops working, drinks the days away, and no longer gets erections.
Too far you say? How can a tiny piece of silvery currency be all this?
Think with a clear head sir or ma’am. We are talking about a deception ratio of 400% here!
What if somebody said they loved you when they truly only tolerated you? How about if you shell out for a 4-bedroom townhouse and get a one room economy instead?
You think the movie about to play is Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back because that’s what your host told you, but then when the lights are down you realize you’re watching Space Balls or Ice Pirates or even worse, the original Star Trek motion picture!
When the nickel poses as a quarter it is lying to you at a power of four times, or telling you it is four full times more than what it actually is. This is tantamount to what every U.S. president, when you compare campaign rhetoric to policies enacted in office, has given their constituents for at least the past fifty years.
We don’t need this joke of a coin. We’ve talked about pennies briefly and there is no need to champion the quarter, that stallion stud of a powerhouse piece, lord of all change and ruler of cupholders and change purses.
If not a quarter, a dime is fine to find each time. Ten make a buck (not friggin 20!) and it’s easy to progress form there.
I’ll tell you how I know I am right about the nickel being the unwanted, redheaded stepchild of fractional currencies. Any time I catch one loitering in my car’s change zones, I toss its sorry ass out the window. I do this regularly at a gas station I frequent and over time quite a pile of nickels has amassed — I really need to get a picture of this to push my case. Even the homeless and the broke alcoholics don’t want the damn things, so there they lay until the lot cleaner or street sweeper carries them off and a new pile begins.
Fuck a bunch of nickels. Did I say that already?
If you also hate nickels, stop using the damn things. Throw them out onto the street and when even the homeless ignore them and they start to make a real problem we can push a petition to discontinue or decommission them.
