Cream Filling and Windmills
6 years ago, July 19 was the first day of a string of 2192 (and counting) that I didn’t have a drink or drug for the entire 24 hours.
Years ago, I didn’t think that I would be able to have fun without a drink in my hand. And, for a while, I didn’t. If I’m being honest. Things were scrambled and emotions were raw… I felt constantly anxious and unhappy. For a while. I was clean…sober…in recovery (however you choose to word it makes no difference to me)…and I felt…wrong. I worked steps. I sought “outside help” for depression…anxiety…bipolar disorder… And I’d take the prescribed medications to level out, just to end up off-balance again.
But this year…something has happened and I don’t know if I can explain it in words. I had a baby…I decided to stay at home with my kids…I made new friends…I strengthened relationships with old friends…I started writing on a more regular basis…I’ve taken the time for me learn about healthy hobbies and habits…and I’ve given myself permission to do things that I love.
I’m not in the least proclaiming to be cured…BUT I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m genuinely content. I’m still a mess…I’m chaotic and crazy and funky and I’m not sure if I’ll ever feel like an actual, true adult. And I’m fine with that. I am perfectly happy with who and where and what I am.
In this whole year, I haven’t formally worked a single step. But I’ve applied principles from many. I feel like I’ve discovered more about myself in this past year through communication with those I love and those who love me than I have in all of my previous years of keeping my nose buried in 12-step literature.
I’m not at all writing this begin a negative discussion in regard to 12-step programs. On the contrary, they’re the source of my gratitude. Without the work I’ve done in previous years, I truly don’t think I’d be comfortable with taking a year of shifting the focus from step work to focus on me. I allowed myself the opportunity to stop looking at details from the past to looking at the big picture of today. And, if none of this makes sense to you, that’s fine…I’m probably not writing it for you anyway. And, if it does make sense, and it bothers you: “Call your sponsor.” But, if it makes sense, and you get it…Isn’t it amazing? Isn’t it remarkable to transition from feeling overwhelming anxiety when faced with the need to actually talk with a person to feeling overwhelming comfort through talking with a network? Isn’t it so awesome to listen to your heart and soul and the God of your understanding and apply principles that you’ve been taught through hard work and dedication? Isn’t it the best to feel such freedom and security to trust your intuition for the first time in years and not end crashing and burning in front of the crowd? It is. The best. I’m so grateful to have reached a point where I don’t feel like I’m living in constant fear of making “bad decisions” or “the wrong decisions.” I know I’m still capable of making poor choices…but the poor choices of today are less severe than the poor choices of the past. I’m convinced it’s because of the suggestions I’ve taken and work I’ve done in years prior, coupled with the break that I’ve given myself during this one.
Years ago, while I was sitting in a meeting, a woman was sharing about a particular step and referred to it as the “cream filling.” It’s strange that it was so long ago, but I remember it so clearly. She probably has no idea that she used that phrase or that it would stick with me long after we’d left the meeting that night. But, because of the passion and fire in her spirit…and because she used a phrase that I could quickly identify as something enjoyable, I had been so eager to get to this specific step. I, too, wanted to get to the “cream filling”…I mean, that’s the best part of any snack cake, so I’ve focused my efforts on reaching this step to attain this goal and ultimately achieve the “cream filling” referred to years ago.
I’ve recently realized that though I haven’t reached the step in reference, I’ve reached the emotional “cream filling” she was expressing. To me, that “cream filling” is the peace I experience through prayer…and it’s the acceptance that, though I don’t understand everything about my religion, I am completely secure in my faith… The “cream filling” is the ability to have healthy disagreements with my husband…the capacity to have difficult conversations with my daughter… It’s being able to release the reigns of control and placing trust in others to have my best interest at heart. It’s being able to make friends and being okay with letting those friends get to know who I am outside of social media or a blog. It’s finally being okay with the fact that I am an introvert and I don’t have to be an extrovert. It’s allowing myself to care for myself while having full knowledge that self-care is not selfish. You cannot pour from an empty cup. The “cream filling” is experiencing deep bouts of sadness, anger, and anxiety…and hearing my inner self say, “Okay, you need to watch this…feel the feelings…respect how quickly they can take you under…but know that in this moment you are okay…and you are safe.” The “cream filling” isn’t the absence of “negative” emotions or situations; It’s knowing that I have the ability to use the resources I’ve collected instead of being paralyzed by fear. The “cream filling” is sitting in silence while my infant sleeps, my 6 year old has art supplies strewn about, the televisions are off, and I’ve cried tears of gratitude while writing about my discoveries from the past year. That’s the “cream filling.”
I truly didn’t think that I would find this level of fulfillment in a year of not writing on steps. I don’t think that, in the beginning, I thought that I was going to find myself when I stopped looking. And I want you to know, if you’re in a 12-step fellowship, I’m not suggesting this path to you or anyone else…nor did anyone suggest it to me. But, for me, it has been one of the most loving acts I’ve done for myself and for my family in a very long time. I stopped focusing so harshly on problems of the past and made a conscious decision to be grateful for the blessings I have right in front of me in this moment. I took the microscope off of myself for a while and gave myself permission to just fully live. It was necessary and so appreciated.
I found the “cream filling” for now…but I’m not so naïve as to think that it’ll stick around forever. I know that personal growth requires changes to be made every now and then. Luckily I’m a fan of windmills instead of walls. I have an amazing life with amazing people in it. The longer I stay in recovery, the better everything continues to become…And as year five has come to a close, I cannot wait to see what year six has in store.
