A Message to TWICE’s Chaeyoung: It’s Okay to Be Cute
Recently I was scrolling through youtube and I happened upon this Short entitled ‘Chaeyoung complaining about being cute’. It made me curious so I watched it.
The video is filmed at a concert, I think. She’s on stage, talking to the audience, and she says, “no, I don’t like cute…I like sexy.”
I think she’s referring to herself. Like that she doesn’t want people to think she is cute, she wants them to think she is sexy.
And honestly that made me a little bit sad.
And I want to explore that in this post.
But first we need to define some terms.
Cute and sexy might mean different things to me than they do to you, or to Chaeyoung. And that could mean that I have misunderstood her.
I asked my Korean friend several months ago if sexy means something different to Koreans than it does to Americans and she said it might be a little different.
Here is the definition of the word from dictionary.com:
Sexy adj.
1. concerned predominantly or excessively with sex;
2. sexually interesting or exciting; radiating sexuality.
Technically the English word is very sexual or sex-focused.
I’m not sure if this is how it is thought of in Korea, though. Even in America it can have a slightly alternative meaning depending on the context.
Another possible definition is:
excitingly appealing; glamorous.
The moniker of Sexy can be applied to something or someone that is excitingly appealing. Someone who is cool or chic. Perhaps it evokes images of someone like James Bond or…whoever the female equivalent of James Bond is. Someone who is socially powerful. Someone who dresses well and speaks well. Someone who walks with confidence and strength, as if they own the world and everybody else is just lucky to be in their presence. A sexy person is someone who possesses a certain allure or mystique that attracts people to them like a moth to a flame. Like the pied piper, they entrance those they come into contact with.
This might be more what she means when she says she likes sexy or that she wants to be sexy.
(Not that she wants to entrance people like the pied piper, but hopefully you get my point)
The problem is this isn’t technically the main definition of the word.
And it’s not what I think of when I hear it.
I also do think that even in Korea the word ‘sexy’ has at least a slightly sexual connotation. There are two reasons I think this is the case:
- When Idols are minors, they don’t let them do sexy concepts.
- When Idols do sexy concepts it usually involves provocative clothing and at least mildly sexually suggestive dancing.
So what did Chaeyoung mean when she said she likes sexy? I don’t know for sure. But I am going to explore that concept in this post and explain why it makes me a little sad.
The Facade of Sexiness
Personally I’m a bit uncomfortable with sexy girls.
Sexy girls, to me, are not easy to connect with on an emotional level.
They aren’t easy to talk with. To really trust.
I’ve thought a lot about why that is, and perhaps I will share that in a future post, but for now I will just say that I think sexy girls are harder to connect with because they aren’t very vulnerable or real.
See, real life is not sexy.
Real life is messy.
It’s flawed.
It’s ugly sometimes.
It’s painful.
Real life can be crushingly painful.
We walk around in broken bodies, with scarred hearts, shrinking under the weight of the expectation of perfection.
Under the weight of the expectation of sexiness, if you will.
An expectation that society seems to place upon us, or, perhaps, that we place upon ourselves.
Sexiness is not a very honest attitude. It’s about being powerful and flawless.
It’s not vulnerable. It’s about putting yourself above other people. A sexy person must not show any weakness. They must be the best.
Sexiness is not really compassionate because it’s very self-focused.
The bottom line is that sexiness just can’t help us find what we really want out of life:
Deep and lasting connection with other people.
Cute Is Real
See, I like cute girls because they are more real.
To me, cute means vulnerable. Approachable. Sweet. Wholesome. Easy to talk to.
Cute girls are easier to connect with and have a meaningful conversation with. A cute girl is someone I could have a real relationship with. A strong relationship that lasts.
A cute girl is flawed, like everybody else, but she’s willing to let people see those flaws. Her heart holds a lot of grace for people, including herself, and she realizes it’s okay to not be perfect.
A cute girl can be silly and goofy and funny. She can make fun of herself and laugh at her mistakes. And that gives other people permission to be flawed, too.
Honestly I think all of the TWICE members are cute in this way. They all show a vulnerable and real side of themselves. They laugh, they make mistakes, they say silly things. They play funny, wholesome games and let themselves look imperfect.
It makes them easier to connect with and trust. It’s easier to relax and be your true self around someone who is cute and real and vulnerable.
I think that is why so many people love them. Their fans feel like they could be their best friend. Like they could talk and laugh and joke with them. Like they could play games and build memories with them.
Their personalities, I think, are very cute. And that is a good thing.
The Problem with Sexiness and Confidence
In the intricate dance of the human experience, sexiness demands confidence as its partner. Its apparent perfect match, a sexy person is a confident one. Or at least so it seems.
But confidence is a complex creature. It’s not always easy to find, much less keep. And sometimes what appears on the surface to be confidence is something else entirely.
And I think that is often the case with sexy people.
Wearing on their sleeve as a badge of honor, the sexy person proudly flaunts what they think is confidence but is often actually insecurity in disguise.
See, sexiness finds its home in comparison. Indeed it can’t exist without it. At least the sexiness we’re talking about here. When sexiness is the kind on public display, it carries with it an inherent competitiveness and comparison that divides and separates, placing people into categories of more, or less, worthy of desire. In this kind of sexiness, one is only sexy compared to someone else.
And because of that mindset of comparison and competition, the person seeking to be sexy can’t let their guard down. They can’t show a weakness in their armor.
So they can’t be vulnerable.
Because vulnerability is weakness.
But here’s the thing: relationships cannot grow without vulnerability.
Vulnerability is not the antithesis of strength. It is its heart.
Why Are Women Always Sexualized?
There is a bigger issue here, though, that I am getting to.
What does it mean to be mature? To be an adult?
Perhaps Chaeyoung doesn’t want to be seen as a child anymore. She debuted when she was 16 years old (17 in Korean age at the time). She was pretty young.
All the TWICE members were fairly young when they debuted. And they only did cute concepts for much of their career because some of them were still minors.
But that’s kind of where my issue lies.
If it’s inappropriate for a minor to do it, why does it become okay once they are 18?
Let’s think about it for a second. Why is a sexy concept inappropriate when someone is a minor? It’s because they don’t want to sexualize minors. And that’s good. They shouldn’t sexualize minors.
But should they sexualize adults?
If something sexualizes someone when they are a minor, it still sexualizes them when they an adult.
Here’s my main question: Why do they need to be sexualized?
Why does it seem like in order for a woman to be mature she has to be sexy or sexual?
Why does that make her a mature woman?
I don’t really want to make this a men vs. women thing, but when we think of a mature man what do we think of? Someone who is smart and confident, someone who is well educated and well spoken. Someone who is calm and steady. Someone who has control of their emotions. Someone who has taken responsibility for their life and who acts with respect and dignity. Maybe someone who dresses nicely.
Maybe we think of a gentleman.
But when we think of a mature woman, what do we think of? It seems like in society we think of someone who is sexy. Someone who is willing to show her skin; someone willing to wear clothing that is more revealing. Someone who acts in a more sexual way or who uses her sexuality as a main feature of her personality to attract or charm people.
Why does this make a woman more mature?
I’ve heard people say things like “it’s about taking control of your sexuality” or “it’s about owning your sexuality and being confident and empowered sexually.”
I think those are mostly just fancy ideas to make it seem more sophisticated than it really is: sexual objectification of women.
Why does sexuality have to be a main feature of a woman? At least in public. I mean, there is a time and place for sexuality, but I don’t think that place is ever the public eye.
Several times I have heard TWICE members talk about how Dahyun used to be very conservative in her clothing choices and wouldn’t wear anything that was too revealing but now as she has gotten older she has relaxed a bit and will wear stuff she wouldn’t have worn in the past.
But why does this mean she has matured?
It’s something I have always found to be really strange and I’ve never been able to understand it.
From the time that I was young I was always a bit of an old soul. I always wanted to be a gentleman. I always tried to treat women with respect. I tried to not sexualize them or to look at them as objects, but as people instead.
It’s not always an easy thing to do. But I try hard because it’s really important to me.
But it seems the world is determined to objectify women. And what’s worse is that it seems sometimes women objectify themselves, or each other.
Truthfully, I think this is a big problem in K-pop in general. Most Idols dress pretty provocatively on stage and have at least some suggestive songs and dances.
Personally I don’t like it at all. I wish that would change.
제가 그게 싫어요
K-pop Idols, especially the women, I think are objectified quite a lot. They are really talented people. They are skilled singers and dancers. They are very beautiful. Many of them have really engaging and lovely personalities.
I wish they would be promoted more based on their talents and personalities and less based on their bodies or their sex-appeal.
Tragically, there are so many women in the world who are valued, and who even value themselves, based on their sexuality or their sexiness.
And that makes me sad.
Aegyo, the Cuteness Attack
I think I should dig a little deeper into what cute means in Korea.
Another video I saw early on of TWICE was this video of them doing aegyo on the variety show Weekly Idol.
If you don’t know what 애교 (aegyo) is, it’s this concept of acting really cute or charming in sort of a cheerful, bright, and even childlike way.
You may have seen K-pop Idols (or other Koreans) making hearts with their hands, or their fingers. Or their arms.
That’s part of aegyo.
It’s like an extreme cuteness attack.
When I first saw it I was a little surprised, and maybe even a little confused. We don’t have anything like aegyo in America. I mean, some girls may act cute with their boyfriends or guys they like, but nothing to the level of aegyo.
At first it took some getting used to for me. As I’ve said, I really like cute girls. But aegyo really emphasizes the youthful energy and can even feel a bit childish.
I think the intention is to show a high level of vulnerability. Almost a child-like vulnerability or innocence.
It’s actually really interesting to me. I think it highlights some differences in culture.
I would say that in general Americans are a bit edgy and tough. We seem to have lost our innocence. We often struggle with vulnerability. Americans are often sarcastic and can be mean. And things are hyper-sexualized here.
So the idea of being innocent and child-like is just so far from the general American personality that they would never really consider doing it. It’s too vulnerable and they would be seen as weak or childish.
In fact, I know some American-raised K-pop Idols are really uncomfortable doing aegyo. (i.e. Yunjin from Le Sserafim)
But that is one thing I really liked about Korean culture. It felt like there was still some innocence and some vulnerability there.
I know that Korea is not a fairyland where everyone is walking around completely innocent. I know that aegyo is mostly just an act that people use to be charming. And these days it’s often used as a challenge or a punishment on variety shows.
Like, I think Koreans are well aware that it can seem a bit childish sometimes.
Many Idols have become more and more uncomfortable doing it.
In fact, over the last year or so TWICE has been trying to move away from the young, cute concept and into a more adult concept.
(I have mixed feelings about that, but I’ll talk about it in another post)
Which brings us back to Chaeyoung.
It’s Okay to Be Cute
Perhaps it’s just a difference of semantics. Perhaps it’s a misunderstanding or a misinterpretation on my part. Perhaps the word sexy doesn’t mean sexual in Korea or to Chaeyoung. Perhaps she just means she wants to be cool or confident or powerful.
Perhaps she wants to be seen as a woman and not just a little girl.
And that’s okay.
But I just want to tell her that it’s also okay to be cute. I think cute girls are awesome! I think she’s awesome just as she is and I personally hope she stays cute.
If most of the world is telling her that she has to be sexy in order to be desirable, I will be the one voice sending her a different message.
You don’t have to be sexy to be desirable. You don’t have to share more of yourself than you are comfortable with. Not everybody in the world is trustworthy. Not everybody in the world is worthy to see every part of you.
I hope you’ll protect the parts of you that are too sacred to share with just anybody.
Please don’t value yourself based on your body.
I appreciate cute girls. Cute girls are my style. And I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels that way.
So don’t be so quick to give up on your cuteness.
I hope you’ll feel like you’re good enough just the way you are.
I wanted to write that message in Korean, but I’m just not there yet. So I’ll write a simplified version.
채영씨는 귀여워도 괜찮아요.
많은 사람들이 귀여운 성격을 정말 좋아해요. 저도 그 중 한 명이에요.
채영씨는 있는 그대로 충분히 좋아요.
Conclusion
To compare cute and sexy in a slightly different way, I feel like cute is focused on the person inside; their personality, their heart and soul. And sexy is focused only on their body.
I wish that all women would be valued more based on their mind and their personality and less based on their body and especially on how much of it they are willing to show to the world and how sexual they are willing to be in public.
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