A Royal Dump
A Screenplay by The Rev. Dr. Miki Turner, Esq.
Setting: A rainy day in London Town. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are drinking 40s while watching their son Archie Ahmad Jones-Windsor play with his great uncle Andrew.
ACT I
Andrew: It’s just not fair that I can’t give a proper interview.
Meghan (rolling her eyes): I did all I could. I connected you with my old acting coach. All you had to do was read the teleprompter.
Andrew: There was no bloody teleprompter because my effing American publicist abandoned me.
Archie-Ahmad: Dirty nappies! Dirty nappies!
Meghan to Harry: Follow me to the outer parlor on the fourth floor.
Harry: Whazzup babe?
Meghan: He has to go and we have to go or else I’m outty. This is BS! I didn’t sign up for this. You told me all I’d have to do is cut a few ribbons and wear some designer frocks with closed-toe shoes. I ain’t with this.
Harry: Babe, I know, but without my allowance what are we gonna do? We aren’t exactly employed or employable.
Meghan: Speak for yourself Ginger. I can go and be on any Netflix show. They’re throwing money at people who look like me.
Harry: Aight, aight. Let’s roll. I’ve never really been down with having to bow to my granny and all that.
Meghan: Cool. This is what we’re going to do. We’ll announce to the press that we’re going to spend Thanksgiving in the US…
Harry: Thanksgiving…that’s your American holiday celebrating genocide, right?
Meghan: You learn quick. Then we’ll rent a cabin in frigid Canada, bring my mama up and hide out for about six weeks. When we come back we’ll issue a statement saying, ‘yo, we out.’ Just like Harriet Tubman!
Harry: I loved that movie babe. Gave me a whole new appreciation for sistahs.
Meghan: That’s sister for you lovebug.
Harry: Sho u right!
And scene.
ACT II
There’s Gotta Be A Morning After
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have awakened and learned that their wax figures have been removed from the display that includes the Queen, her boo and the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge. It doesn’t make for very pleasant foreplay.
Meghan: (as she sits up in bed) Boo, what is wrong with you?
Harry: Babe, I just can’t believe they took us down and moved us to the back of the room. I’m a prince! I’m the most popular royal since Margaret! This is whack!
Meghan: OK, boo, whack went out in the 90s. Haven’t you been reading that ‘Stay Woke’ primer I gave you?
Harry: That’s whack, too!
Meghan: OK, you know what? I need some space. This is what’s going to happen. I’m going to bounce today and go get my baby back in Canada. You stay here and deal with this mess that they’re going to blame me for. I can see the tabloids now. ‘A Sistah Took Down the Monarchy. Long Live the Beeyotch!’
Harry: I’m not gonna let you drown on my watch baby gurl.
Meghan: Have you been watching those ‘Friday’ movies again? Just stop. I might have been better off marrying Bobby Brown!
Harry: (getting his hand stuck in Meghan’s hair) Oh, you gotz jokes. I’d like to see you defy the Queen! I’m taking the hit for you and lil’ man. Hell, I agreed to this whole Archie-Ahmad Jones-Windsor name! What more do you want? You have no mortgage, I make sure your edible jar is always full and when granny demanded that I swap your moisturizer with fade cream, I was like hell to the naw!! My Granny is going to beat me down!
Meghan: Ok, that’s it. Now you’re channeling the ghost of Whitney Houston? Maybe you need to go get some from your Granny!
Harry: Baby, baby, please, baby, baby, please! That’s a bloody awful visual. I didn’t mean it!
Meghan: Whateva, I’m outty. You need to stop playing. You really don’t want to see the other side of this!
Harry (mumbling to himself): Screw Charlotte Sofia…Screw Charlotte Sofia.
Meghan: I heard that! First of all, her name is Sofia Charlotte and secondly, I’m sure she had George III in check. You better recognize!
And Scene
ACT III
Instead of flying back to Canada to retrieve little Archie-Ahmad, the Duchess of Sussex is spotted on Crenshaw Boulevard getting some blond tracks, possibly in an attempt to fool the press. Her mother, Doria spots her daughter coming out of Hair for Less and immediately rings her up.
Doria: What the hell are you doing here? I told you not to come back here. I can’t even leave my house with being harassed by paparazzi! I’m a yogi and you and that never gonna be king royal you married have me all knotted up!
Meghan: Mom, my whole life is falling apart and all you can think of is yourself? What about little Archie-Ahmad? His teeth are already bigger than mine and I’m worried those Windsor genes might turn him into a troll! Plus, ‘granny’ is all up my azz.
Doria (jumping on the bed): Call your father with your first world problems. All these sleazy reporters are hanging around my house and I think I saw a roach!
Meghan: Relax mom, your neighbors are probably delighted that their property values are going up. This was all part of the plan, remember?!
Doria: My plan is to divorce myself from all this drama. You could have had Idris, the cute little Afro-Brit from ‘Get Out.’ Hell, even one of those guys from those horrible Nollywood movies!
Meghan: Mummy, I adore Harry! And Idris is not that good looking in person. Last time I saw him he had something in his teeth. And, I think his accent is fake.
Doria: Oh hell, you are on TV now walking down Crenshaw. Where are you going? DO NOT come here!
Meghan: Don’t worry! I’ve booked a room in Compton under the name of Sheniqua Smith Jones. No one will find me there.
Doria: Well, you won’t have to worry about me rolling down the 110. Sheniqua Smith Jones?
Meghan: Yes, you know we Brits prefer three names. Plus, it’s Harry’s pet name for me.
Doria: Dear Lord. Where is Harry? You should be standing by his side.
Meghan: He’s fine. He’s negotiating with The Firm. We rejected their first offer. Granny was only going to give us a palace apartment and canceled our gym memberships! On top of all that, she was going to force us to adopt a fully white child!
Doria: Business is business.
Meghan: That’s it. I’m calling dad.
Doria: Good, tell him I’m still waiting on those child support checks.
And scene.
ACT IV
The senior royals have all convened at Buckingham Palace to discuss this messy situation created by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. Present are the Queen, Prince Harry, the Prince of Wales, Prince William and Prince George. Suddenly, there’s a commotion in the hallway.
Prince Philip: What in bloody hell is going on in here and why wasn’t I included?
Prince George: My papa says you’re a bitch.
Prince Philip: You will never be King you little twit because your granny will outlive all of you.
Prince William: Dude, that’s not at all cool. Apologize to my son now.
(George gives his grandfather the finger).
Prince Harry: Way to go lil’ homie!
Queen: Everyone shut up! Philip go back to your quarters immediately. This doesn’t concern you! Nothing ever concerns you. Your role is to wear fake medals and watch The Crown so you can see why we don’t include you.
Prince George: Yeah bitch!
Prince Philip: Bloody hell. Thanks to your brother and your son (pointing to Charles), we’ll all be out in the streets soon.
Prince Harry: I rather like the streets pops.
(A footman escorts Prince Philip out as he continues to scream obscenities).
Queen: Shut up! This is how we’re going to proceed. Harry, you have stirred up more rubbish than your Aunt Margaret, your Uncle Andrew, Aunt Fergie and Uncle David combined. You have tarnished the Crown on more than one occasion.
Prince Harry: Granny, do we know who will play me in The Crown? I keep trying to ring Netflix to find out. I was thinking maybe Michael B. Jordan. Or maybe O’Shea Jackson. I think both of them could really capture my dark side.
(Prince Charles and Prince William roll their eyes. The Queen throws up her hands and grabs a gin and tonic).
Prince Charles: Dear boy…
Prince Harry: How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not your boy! Don’t make me rise up from over here!
Prince Charles: Fine then. You listen to me Bitch boy. I have already cut off the offspring of my brothers and sister because the taxpayers bitched about the Firm’s overspending. I cannot in good conscience pay you and your wife from my pot if you’re going to hole up in a log cabin in Canada and voice characters in animated Disney films.
Prince George (giggling): You a bitch!!
Queen: Your father, for once, is right Harry. Our lifestyles are under constant scrutiny now. Cutting ribbons and popping up for walk-abouts isn’t as profitable as it once was. People have little respect for the monarchy. They rarely even bow or curtsy to us anymore.
Prince Harry: What about William? He’s the one in the tabloids all the time! And when’s the last time he held an African child or played hoops with a disabled athlete?
Prince William (with an icy glare): Just wait until I’m King.
Queen, Prince Charles, Prince Harry (in unison): You will never be King.
Queen: Again, shut up! (The phone rings, It’s Meghan).
Prince Harry: Sheniqua my queen, whassup? I’m gonna put you on speaker. Granny and the gang are here.
Meghan: What’s going on Harry? I told you not to negotiate with terrorists.
Prince George: The bitch is back!
Prince Harry: Bro, your kid has issues.
Meghan: Hello! Can we get on with it?
Queen: Yes, I have my demands.
Meghan: What kind of weed are you carrying in that purse that you always carry around in your own house? First off, you have no right to demand anything from us. We’re the cash cows. So we’re going to tell you how this is gonna go down. We want to keep our cottage and have the people who harass us pay the bills. My father will live there when we’re away. We’ll cut two ribbons a year — one on a Caribbean island and the other near our government subsidized home in Canada. We won’t travel on commercial jets because Bey and Jigga said they got us whenever we need to chill. And, we’ll be adopting two African babies from Mali instead of the pure white baby you suggested. Lastly, we’ll have final approval who plays us in season 10 of ‘The Crown.’ I have chosen Selena Gomez and Harry is keen on Michael B. Jordan. We both feel that the cast needs more diversity. Damn, even the servants are all white!
Prince Harry: Way to go babe!
Prince William: I’m out. I have an appointment.
Prince Harry: Tell your side piece I said, whassup!
Prince William: Tell your wife she has mushy peas for brains. Or maybe I should say, black-eyed peas!
Prince Harry: I love me some black-eyed peas. We had them for new year’s with greens and cornbread. That was some good eating!
Prince Charles: Meghan, dad here. We will discuss your demands and have our people get back to your people…Oh, but you have no people. Never mind. Carry on.
Queen: Dear, I hope you haven’t burned all your bridges in Hollywood. That was quite a performance but I sincerely doubt you have the skills to play a dead fly. So, here’s my response to your demands. No, no, no, no and hell no. Put that in your crown. Oh, but you don’t have one!
And scene.
ACT V
Setting: The Queen has just met with the heirs to the throne to discuss Prince Harry’s future. She’s disturbed by a recent headline.
Queen: There’s this lowly-ranked professor at some university in the colonies who is writing this horrid rubbish about us in social media. Most disturbing, however, is her assertion about our hair. She says it is rather kinky and is questioning whether we are, as she puts it, ‘all the way white.’
Prince Charles: Mummy, I believe she compared our hair to nappies.
Prince Harry: Pops, she said our hair is nappy.
Prince William: Whatever does that mean? Is that all part of that Ebony language?
Prince Charles: Whatever is that?
Queen: Oh, you know, once we kidnapped all those Africans and transported them to the colonies so that they could earn a proper wage, they started speaking in other tongues. Ingrates.
Prince Harry: Enough with the history lesson. How much is my buyout going to be?
Queen: Because you and Meghan have only been married 10 minutes and your son is 999 in line for the throne, we feel that you should be paid the American minimum wage since that’s where you’ll be living. We’ll provide a nice public school education for Archibald and you’ll be allowed to attend weddings and funerals at your own expense.
Prince Charles: Further, you will be stripped of your HRH title.
Prince William: And any subsequent children you and the American from South LA have will be considered commoners.
Queen: Well, there you have it. You’ve made your bed…
Prince Harry: I have never made a bed in my life!
Prince Charles: This can’t be my seedling.
Queen: Silence. We must support Harry and Mekeisha, especially in our statements to the press.
Queen’s secretary: That’s Meghan, ma’am.
Queen: Whatever. Silence. I will release a statement saying that we’re all on the same page and that we feel horrible about slavery and the mistreatment of all the African and Afro-Caribbean immigrants in the UK.
Prince Harry: What about my wife?
Queen (cooly): What about her?
Prince Harry: She’s been horribly mistreated and misunderstood.
Prince William: And we would care because why? Why are we even paying you?
Prince Charles (looking at his phone): Wait, this just in. Harry, I just got an alert from Page Six saying that you and Meggie are threatening to sell your story to that Oprah woman if we cut you off. You cannot threaten the Crown.
Prince Harry: Speaking of which, I think Trevor Noah should play me now. He’s funny AF!
Prince William: You are totally mental.
Prince Harry: Hey bro, I see Joaquin Phoenix as you.
The phone rings. It’s Meghan. Harry answers. Meghan tells him to put her on speaker.
Meghan: Hello everyone, I’m here with my attorney and spiritual adviser, Oprah.
Queen: Oprah? I thought she was a queen, not a barrister.
Prince Charles: She’s all that mummy and a bag of crisps.
Oprah (singing) Hello your majesties! We’re just sitting here eating cake and discussing Meghan’s future. Can I just say that black America is loving this! Megxit! So clever! Who would have thought that an African American actress would be the one to destroy the conventional monarchy!! It’s too much! We have definitely overcome! I already have Ava DuVernay writing a screenplay for OWN. It’s called ‘A Twinkle in Time!’ GLORIOUS!!
Meghan: Yes, Oprah and I have come up with a new list of demands. She reminded me that I needed hair and makeup, so I’ll need someone on call 24/7 for my voiceover work.
Prince William: Off with your head.
Prince Charles: Precisely. Let her eat cake. That red velvet dessert is rather tasty.
Queen: Denied. You have gone from HRH to JAN.
Oprah and Meghan: JAN?
Queen: Yes, just another nobody.
Oprah: That was way harsh Liz. You cannot expect a woman of colour to do her own hair. And, by the way, I must say I agree with Prof. Turner’s assessment that your hair is a little thick. It’s lovely, but I’m just saying.
Queen (rings the bell by her chair): This conversation is over. It’s time for TMZ. There’s a riveting video on Antonio Brown screaming at the police and his baby mama. I want to see. Here in the UK we believe he represents the best of your race (click).
And Scene.
ACT VI
The Queen has made a pitstop at Costco to load up on Kirkland Vodka after church. News has just been released that Harry and Meghan have been relieved of their royal titles (as was reported days ago by Prof. Turner) and are now on their own.
Meghan: I cannot believe your grandmother is making us pay rent and refund $3 million to the lowly tax payers.
Harry: Yeah, that is so whack.
Meghan: What have I told you about saying that word? Stop it! We’re Canadians now.
Harry: Does that mean we have to be excessively friendly?
Meghan: That means we’ll be broke, cold and have free healthcare.
Harry: Should we be concerned about little Archie-Ahmad’s accent? That Afro-American, British, Canadian thing might make him sound like Dana Carvey in that church lady skit on ‘Saturday Night Live.’
Meghan: I’m less worried about him than I am about losing our reparations from the tax payers.
Harry: Reparations, that’s what African Americans want to give back to the white people right?
Meghan (heavy sigh): Half of me thinks you’re right.
The phone rings. It’s the Queen, Prince Charles, Prince William and Prince George on FaceTime. The Queen lifts her glass.
George: Hello bitches!
Queen: William, please! Control that child!
William: Sorry granny, that’s the commoner side coming out in him.
Queen: So, the announcement has been made. You are officially JANs (Just Another Nobody) now. Cheers (taking a sip of her drink) How’s that going for you?
Harry: Granny, I actually had to make my bed, find my own clothes and answer my own phone. And some bloke on the street actually called me Harry. It will be impossible to get used to all of this.
Charles: You brought this on yourself son. All we asked you to do was travel first class and promote the monarchy. You walk, you avoid any human contact, hand the flower bouquets off to a footman and get on with it.
Harry: But the newspapers were racially insensitive to my wife…
William: Bloody hell bro. We need those rags! There is no such thing as bad publicity!
Meghan: We’ve got ‘The Crown,’ which has already been renewed for the next six seasons thanks to all the drama we’ve created. You should pay us for that!
George: Ding dong the bitch is dead…
William: George, that’s witch and stop saying that word before…
Queen: Before Granny cuts you off, too!
Charles: Oh dear.
Queen: Well, as I said before, you’ve made your bed. Hopefully you can make some extra income off your trademarked pencils and pet carriers or whatever. The rent check is due on Feb. 1. Have a jolly good time. Cheers (click).
Meghan: This is not what I signed up for. None of this. We were supposed to be able to work part-time and keep our titles. I knew I should have gone to that meeting.
Harry: Screw all that. I’m going to have to go back to school to learn how to be like ordinary. We should call Prof. Turner. She’s extremely ordinary. I’m going to holla at her now (rings phone).
Turner: Hello?
Harry: It’s Harry.
Turner: Harry who?
Harry: Harry from the UK with my wife, Meghan.
Turner: You mean Harry like the Prince dude?
Harry: Yeah, yeah, that would be me.
Turner: If you’re calling about ‘The Royal Dump,’ it was just me working on my standup routine during my school break. No harm, no foul.
Harry: Oh no, no. We was digging it. It was most amusing. I just wanted to holla at you because…
Meghan: Speak for yourself. That was like black-on-black crime.
Turner: Holla at me? Who is this? And there was absolutely nothing criminal about what I wrote. I had inside sources.
Harry: It’s me, really. Anyway, can you teach us how to be more ordinary now that we’ve been released from our duties?
Turner: Dude, that wasn’t the smartest move. You know that, right?
Harry: Uh…
Turner: Anyway, my best advice is to do a reality show. There’s mucho cash in that and people can see how truly ordinary you’ll be pretending to be.
Harry: That’s a great idea! Could we borrow your title?
Turner: I’ll need to be paid upfront like those UK tax payers. And, I’ll need a month for me and my friends in the Frogmore Cottage and some time in Princess Margaret’s villa in Mustique. And, do you still have that floating palace?
Meghan: Look, stop filling his head with all this reality BS. I’m a legitimate actress. We will not be doing that. And I, have never been ordinary, nor will I ever be.
Turner: Whateva Maya Angelou. Be phenomenal. That is not going to pay your rent!
Meghan: Go get a life.
Turner: Not a problem. Can’t wait to see these episodes on ‘The Crown.’ Maybe the producers will let you and homeboy play yourselves.
Harry: That would be epic!
Turner: Squeeze out what’s left of that juice homie. Seeya at Target.
And scene.
