How The Fuck Is Glee A Real Show

How do you even begin to talk about Glee ?

Well, it’s a comedy. And a drama. And a musical. It’s about a Glee club. And football. And also the entire school that revolves around it. And other schools as well. The main characters are Rachel and Finn, and then also twenty other people. It’s about life in highschool, until it’s about grown adults faking pregnancies. It tackles taboo teen subjects, like sexuality, body image, bullying, unwanted pregnancy, disability. How, you ask ? Mostly through 1981 hit ‘Don’t Stop Believin’. And Madonna’s entire discography. And show tunes. And —

I’m exhausted, you guys. I did a high intensity kickboxing session this morning. Why is that relevant ? Because it made me feel about ten times less tired than witnessing the absolute insanity that is the first season of Ryan Murphy’s Glee.

Seriously, what the fuck is this show ? Okay, I know that there are more complicated storylines out there. There rarely goes a month without me raving about some arthouse film that no one gives a shit about. But let me tell you, Buñuel and Tarkovsky are amateurs compared to whatever this is. Who needs Fellini when you have William Schuester ?

Now, what’s so weird about Glee ? The concept seems pretty simple. A cool-ish Spanish professor feeling nostalgic decides to revive his high school’s Glee club. A couple of outcasts who happen to be excellent singers join and learn important life lessons from each other. It should be simple enough right ? RIGHT ?

So far, you may have gathered that I don’t like the show. You couldn’t be more wrong. I loved watching Glee’s first season, in the same way I like visiting postmodern museums. It’s baffling, but in a fun way.

In fact, ‘watching’ isn’t exactly the right term. I watched Glee when it first aired. But the thing is that I barely remembered any of it. Common sense that I should have remembered at least something: Glee is the exact opposite of boring. And that’s exactly what makes it so insane. EVERYTHING happens ALL THE TIME. It tries to tackle every sensitive subject imaginable at once and manages to fail at all of them.

Okay, maybe not all. I like Kurt’s arc with his dad for example. It’s pretty unique, and goes against expectations without trying too hard. I also think Quinn’s pregnancy is one of the best treated recurrent subject. See! I’m not all negative! But good God is it hard to take this show seriously when William ‘electric chair’ Schuester sits in front of these overdramatic theater kids and say that they all understand the struggle of racial and sexual minorities because they’re in the Glee club! What the fuck are you even talking about! There are no laws against singing Bonnie Tyler over a dramatic montage! Maybe there should be!

I finished the first season only a few hours ago as I’m writing this and I genuinely can’t recall half of what happened. There’s a new storyline in every scene. And no, they don’t forget about them. They just keep piling them on until we have to go from one to another every thirty seconds. Have you ever been at a party where the alcohol runs out ? Everyone is close to sobering up, so the host puts on a throwback song or an endearing Top 40 hits in hopes of reanimating the almost asleep guests. That moment when you get up to dance to ‘Party in the U.S.A.’ when all you wish for is your bed ? That’s what watching Glee feels like.

It actually had the potential to be so much more funny than it already is. Take Sue for example. I know she’s supposed to be the villain and all, but good God she’s more interesting to watch than every one of these Kristin Chenoweth wannabes. Her dialogue sounds like it was written by an alien who was forced to drink pure vodka and watch nothing but the shitty Sharpay High School Musical spin-off on repeat. I don’t have the slightest idea of what she’s talking about 99% of the time and I LOVE IT. Give her all the screentime forever.

You know who should have less screentime ? FUCKING RACHEL BERRY. Who thought this was the ideal protagonist ? I can’t believe I used to like her. She’s a way worse person than any of her bullies. Not that I condone bullying. Shit, is this accidentally a pro-bullying review ? What am I becoming ? What has this show turned me into ?

Oh, since we’re talking about Rachel, is high school actually that intense for anyone relationship wise ? I can’t believe this show of all things is making me self conscious about my dating experience but if someone as insufferable as Rachel has so many guys fighting over her what am I doing wrong ? I mean, it’s not just her. Everyone dates everyone at some point. Not even only in a “let’s have fun” way, but in a fully “I’m in love with you” way. Until two episodes later when they’re ready to get married with another person. I’m not even jealous, just concerned. Their emotions are a bigger rollercoaster than mine on the “eat ice cream and cry to Taylor Swift” phase of my period. I can’t imagine living like this.

The show never even tries to be semi-realistic. It’s one thing that none of these high school students ever go to class. Narrative liberties, I guess. And yes, I have to admit seeing Kurt Beyoncé his way into football is way more entertaining than learning about photosynthesis. But I have to admire how little they tried altogether. I can’t imagine how the auditions went. I honestly think they just picked the oldest-looking actors in their mid-twenties they could find and called it a day. I’d expect to see these people taking a zumba class to shake off the stress of their accounting job, not worrying about their cheerleading squad.

If I’ve learned one thing from watching Glee, it is to never take anything for granted. I will never complain about anything being boring again after seeing a show so intended on never being boring that it makes everything happen all the time. I won’t complain about anything being not political enough again. I’ve now seen what it looks like when a show tries to tackle every political issue at once and it’s not pretty. I can deal with a little less drama. Thank you, Ryan Murphy, for keeping me humble. And fuck you for everything else.

Can’t wait to watch season 2!