Bisexuality isn’t the Same as Polyamory, but Good Question.
I have found that the LGBTQ+ community value people who are understanding and have an open mind. Recently I was put in this situation when someone I had not seen in years reached out to me over Instagram and we got to talking about our lives, as people do, and I ended up telling him about my current internship. I told him that I am currently working for Jill Fredenburg, author of LGBTQ+ Revolution 2.0, and this caused him, like many others when learning of this work, to question my sexuality.
The thing is, I have no problem telling most people how I currently identify with my sexuality but find it intriguing that I am automatically questioned just because I work in this internship.
I told him I identify as bisexual and, to my amusement, his first question was, “So, does that mean you are only in polygamous relationships?”
I remember reading this and just thinking to myself this is one of the most ridiculous questions I have ever been asked. I do believe he meant to ask me if I was polyamorous, meaning capable of having multiple loves, instead of polygamous, meaning having multiple spouses. These two identities tend to get mixed up with each other, but from what I understand, polyamory is when both parties in a relationship consent to allowing each other to have intimate relationships with other people. This can be physical, emotional, or both.
After explaining that no, I am too jealous of a person if I truly like the person I am dating to share them in that way and that being bisexual does not mean being polyamorous, he surprised me. He began asking me questions no one had asked me before. This man, who I thought would be like every other heterosexual man, actually wanted to learn about the community. And to my relief, he was not asking about it in a sexual way.
So there we were, just chatting away, and although his lack of knowledge on the LGBTQ+ community had seemed almost laughable to me at first, he was being incredibly receptive. I was like, “Look here boy, just because a person is not straight, does not mean they are polygamous. Anyone under the sun can choose who their partners are.” Then, he asked me “How do people know if they are polyamorous if society portrays monogamy as normal?” The basis of my long-winded response to him was that everyone has their own personal preference and sometimes it takes some exploring to figure out what you like.
Historically, the concept of having more than one partner was used more for political and financial reasons. The most common situation would be an upper-class man who had many wives in hopes of producing as many sons as possible. This was all done in order to gain the means to ensure power. Although in certain places in the world polygamy is still common, I believe polyamorous relationships are heard of more often now, at least in the United States. Polygamy is more economic and polyamory fosters intimacy with the people those in this lifestyle choose to be with. I appreciate anyone who is willing to learn and know that just because something is their preference, it does not mean it is the right preference.
Polyamory is not as uncommon as people think and there have been many celebrities to speak on it in recent years. In an episode of the show, Red Table Talk with Willow Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith, and Adrienne Banfield-Jones, Willow openly shared her opinion on the subject. She said, “This is the thing. There is so many different kinds of people in this world and so many things to learn — so many people to learn from, and I don’t see the benefit in not learning those things, or in not putting myself in a position to learn as much as I possibly can from as many people as I possibly can.”
So here is a heterosexual man, who I just assumed would be like most men I’ve met, who are actively trying to learn about other people’s sexuality, even though it does match up with his own. His first question was not even about me being bisexual and making me feel weird. I have had people in my friend group just assume it is a phase because a lot of straight women they know will make out with other women at parties. He waited until later in the conversation to ask me how I knew I was bisexual and if I had always felt that way. It is sad but never in my life had I been asked that before.
I realize that sometimes I do not give people the benefit of the doubt and this is someone who truly surprised me. If more people were like him, the LGBTQ+ movement would grow so much more. Open conversations are how change happens and I hope this is not the last conversation like this in which I have the pleasure partake.
