Do You Consider Yourself To Be A True Friend?
And what does that even mean?
Introduction
Friendship. Friendliness. A friend. We use these words frequently, yet how often do we stop to think about what being a friend actually implies? In a subject-object-oriented society, people usually think about actions through the lens of cause and effect, gain and loss, or positives and negatives. Relationships tend to be perceived in a similar manner.
“What can I gain from this relationship? What will I lose? Is it worthwhile to spend time with this or that person? Is it a waste of my time?”
I don’t know if you have noticed, but the stress in these sentences is invariably and predominantly on the pronoun “I”. In this situation, can we actually assume that a friendship is real, if we only approach it through the lens of the “me”?
We have another phrase to describe such a relationship — mutual reciprocity.
I scratch your back you scratch mine. Nothing wrong with that, but I doubt that the scratcher and the scratchee are actually buddies as they are not likely to care for each other for the other’s sake.
Mutual reciprocity is one possible manner of relating to others, and a plausible for that matter! Nonetheless, true friendships in my mind are far more than reciprocal relations as they often overstep the boundary of mere personal need.
In order to explore the nature of these relationships further, let’s consult the famous Greek philosopher Aristotle and inquire what did he have to say about the phenomenon of friendships almost 24 centuries ago in the era of Ancient Greece.
In his famous philosophical work, Nicomachean Ethics, the Greek logician singled out three types of friendships:
1) friendships of self-interest
2) friendship purely for pleasure
3) the perfect friendship
Friendships of self-interest
Aristotle named the first category of friendship self-interested because, in his view, this type of friendship is mainly based on utility. Self-interested friendships may be seen in work and service environments. They are most frequently observed in the relationships between co-workers, clients, or other community members.
Friendships of this type mainly revolve around the benefits that one or both parties may gain from being acquainted.
I want something from you, and you want something from me. I will give you this if you give me that. A type of market economy, right?
“Shallow” some might say. Well, maybe it is, but in some situations a friendship of this sort might be the first step towards a true, deep, and lasting relationship which will be discussed later.
Friendships of pleasure
The second type of friendship Aristotle described as a friendship of pleasure. Pleasure-bound friendships can exist between those who share a common interest, a hobby, or even a romantic attraction. People value this type of relationship because it gives them joy, pleasurable moments, and self-affirmation.
Unfortunately, when the pleasure ceases, we tend to withdraw from its previous benefactors. If not, we tend to as for more, in order to please ourselves once again.
Thus, we can state that if the first type of friendship was based on materialistic desires (things, help, money, status), the second one revolves around profiting emotionally.
Perfect friendships
According to Aristotle, a friendship becomes perfect once its focus moves away from a simple search for utility or pleasure and becomes based on mutual goodness and goodwill. This type of friendship is rare as it is not built on transitory factors. Also, perfect friendships come to fruition after a significantly longer period of time than the previously mentioned “imperfect” ones. As the philosopher remarked:
“Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit.”
In friendships of goodness, both parties have to assess the character of the other. Similarly, both of them have to be good in nature.
Imperfect friendships wane when their benefits wither. Perfect friendships, on the other hand, last because they spring from a different source: a mutual respect and care for the other’s soul (well-being) on a basis of symmetry and goodwill. As Aristotle notes:
“What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.”
It is important to note that if we care for one another in such a way, it does not mean that we can’t derive pleasure or utility from such an engagement. It simply means that its origin, content and focus are different. Thus we can simultaneously feel joy, derive meaning, and care for the other for his own sake without being overtly or single-mindedly focused on one’s own self.
This type of friendship seems to be far more rewarding and enjoyable, yet incrementally rarer and harder to grow. Nonetheless, if we want to grow a true friendship we should put our eye on the other’s soul and see where that leads.
Finishing notes
What types of friendships do you maintain? Are they based on utility, pleasure, or mutual goodwill? Is there symmetry in your relationships? Which of them are asymmetrical, why?
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