Presence vs. Presents
Becoming a parent is an emotional rollercoaster. I can only speak from personal experience here. Some of you may relate, some of you may not, and that’s okay.
My story
My wife and I had been married for one year and had been together as a couple fore four. Early in our relationship, we had the kids talk. Do we want them, how many do we want, when do we want them? You know the story.
Luckily for us, we were on the same page with all of it. So, after a year of marriage and based on our ages at the time and where we wanted to be, it was time to start trying for kids.
Unfortunately for us, things weren’t overly simple. Things were taking a long time. It had been a year, and nothing was working. My wife is extremely “Type A” so as you can imagine, I was aware of exactly when we were to have sex if we were going to conceive from month to month.
We ended up at a fertility clinic and that began to make things worse. After the referral you feel that it will be the light at the end of the tunnel. Only to find that things still don’t change.
We both of course had all the tests and everything on both sides was good. So, what was the problem? We didn’t know. It caused stress, it caused fights, it caused a whole lot of tears.
The drug regime my wife was given was not working, nothing was. So, we decided to drop the drugs, drop the timed sex sessions, dropped it all. We just needed to alleviate the stress and bring the fun back into the bedroom.
Low and behold, once we did that, we got pregnant. Well, no WE didn’t, my wife did. Fellas let’s not pretend that there is WE in this equation at all. We get to have sex and then sit back and relax. The ladies in our lives are the true champions here.
So…why have I told you all of this?
The emotional rollercoaster
For me, the moment I found out my wife was pregnant, I’m not even sure I can tell you what I was feeling.
I was joyous.
I was terrified.
I was confused.
I was nervous.
I was a myriad of other emotions.
Some of you may relate exactly to my situation. Some of you may have just been incredibly happy. Some of you may have been disappointed. Some of you may have been angry.
Regardless of how you were feeling, we all had one thing in common. Our lives would never be the same from that moment on. Big changes were coming. An unknown world awaited.
The arrival
You have all been through the 9 months plus together with your partner, you have survived the ups and downs of pregnancy, the 11pm visits to McDonalds for some fries that your partner is craving.
Pregnancy weight is a real thing for men too…right boys?! I mean there’s no way I’m at McDonalds without getting myself something.
The day arrives where your partner goes into labour. You are about to become a father, and ladies, you a mother…you are all fantastic mothers by the way. I don’t know how you guys do it. I respect you all so much.
You hear that first cry. I’ll never forget that moment. Everything becomes real, where before it seemed like a dream. Your baby has arrived.
This is where your life is no longer your own. Now, I don’t mean this in a negative way, far from it. It’s quite literal. You are now responsible for a living, breathing, crying, and shitting human being!
You all remember that first meconium poo right guys? I just about threw up amid my panic.
Partner presence needed
From the very first moment it is required of you as a parent to be present. It is non-negotiable.
You must be there to change the diapers, to give skin to skin contact, to swaddle, to be there for your partner. From a male perspective, these things, especially the latter, are all we are good for.
Let’s be honest gentlemen, we are not needed by our newborns, they need Mummy and Mummy needs us. At this point in your journey as a parent, you need to be present for your partner.
We need to step up big time. Things you should be doing for your partner with a newborn in the house (you should likely do all this even without a newborn in the house…but especially during this time):
Provide support
Provide love
Provide care
Cook all the food
Keep a clean house
Make the bed
Get the groceries
Change most of the diapers
Do the laundry
The list goes on. At the end of the day, it is our job to be present. Yes gentlemen, we are likely still going to work. Yes, we are likely tired. Yes, this is hard. Where did my time go? When can I go to the gym? When do I get to play soccer and watch sports? When can I go for a round of golf and some beer with the boys?
I get it. But guess what. Your partner has grown your child, she has struggled with all the physical, mental, and emotional demands of being pregnant. SHE. HAS. GIVEN. BIRTH.
To be there for her, to be there for your newborn child. It’s not too much to ask. Be present.
Parental presence needed
Part of our roles as parents is to provide. We need to provide a roof over the heads of our children. So, we must still be great employees or business owners.
We must make sure our home doesn’t fall into disrepair. So, we need to become a jack of all trades and learn to fix things around the house. Or, at the very least be able to pay for things to be fixed.
We need to protect our family (whatever that might look like), which takes time, effort, and often money also.
But that is only part of the equation. As a parent there is so much more to our role than providing.
We need to be present.
Now, for the purpose of this article, when you look at that word, there are two definitions we need to look more closely at.
- The first is that we need to be there, in the moment, with our family, with our kids.
- The second is one of giving or receiving a gift.
Present in the moment
This is truly what our kids need and want from us. It is the best form of definition two that we can give to them.
Yes, they are going to ask us for the material items (a lot), and yes, they will get them from time to time. But they want you, they need YOU.
We all have a lot going on. We are busy with work, but this should never trump time with your kids. We all get tired and stressed in life for several reasons. Again, this should not take time away from our kids.
Think about the moments (especially when your kids are young, as mine are now) your kid is upset, or hurt, or stressed, or anxious. They don’t need gifts. They don’t need food (well sometimes they do). They need you.
As a child I watched a lot of F1 racing. Did I know or understand anything about it? Not a god damn thing. So why did I enjoy it so much? It was something I got to do with my dad. Only him and me.
I cherished these moments. We may not realize it at times as we are getting pulled in so many different directions with our varying roles as human beings and as adults, but we need to make sure that we are there in the moment for our kids.
Yes, that means putting our phones down and giving them our undivided attention.
When we are present for our kids, here are some of the outcomes:
They feel safe.
They feel valued.
They feel seen.
They feel heard.
They value themselves.
They learn who they truly are.
They learn who YOU truly are.
You build a mutual respect that will carry you through many a difficult time.
Present as a gift
I feel there are two distinct ways of looking at this. The first is something our kids do not need at all. The other is the inverse. They need it and need it always.
The first — they do not need gifts at all times. It’s no secret why much of our society today is so materialistic.
Hallmark created a day for themselves which many of us pay through the nose for now. Do we really need a specific day to tell someone else we love them? Shouldn’t we be doing that all the time?
Diamonds are a girls’ best friend. Are they really? Do we really need to spend 3 months’ salary or more on a diamond ring to let someone know we love them and want to marry them?
In my humble opinion, as parents, we should not be feeding into this. Birthdays and Christmas (or any other cultural celebration you may celebrate where gifts are part of it) great, give them the presents they want.
But overall, you should not be purchasing your kids’ love, you should not be buying their obedience. That will only create an entitled little human living under your roof which will cause nothing but headaches for you down the line.
The second — WE are the present our kids get each and every day. We are the gift that our kids receive in their lives. By being there for my boys, I have learned A LOT in the way I should be approaching things with them.
I have learned the value in being vulnerable with them. I want to be this way for them. I want to be that gift that they truly get to enjoy. They use over and over and over again because they love it so much.
Being honest, open, and vulnerable with my boys has taught me that, not only is it okay for me to say sorry first, but it’s necessary. I need to model what it takes to be this kind of father, so they will be too.
I need to act silly and crazy. I need to dance, and sing, and make funny faces. Not only does this teach my boys that it is okay to be always fully and totally yourself, but I also actually get to be me again, my more childish and free self. It’s so fun and refreshing.
Letting my boys know that it is not only them who feel fear. That Daddy gets scared too.
I’m not a particularly emotional or open guy when it comes to feelings, but with my boys, allowing myself to be vulnerable has been great. It makes me a better Dad, a better husband, a better brother, and son. A better person.
So, to wrap it all up (see what I did there?) parents. YOU are the only gift your child needs. Presence vs. Presents. I know who wins this battle. I hope you now do too.
If you have enjoyed this article. I’d love some feedback. I’m still learning my craft as a writer. I’d love a follow and to connect with you so I can learn from your writing also.
Chat soon everyone.
Dad Bod.
