A Thing I Love: Lazlo Toth

Before Ali G and Weird Twitter, There Was Lazlo Toth

When I was a teenager, a family friend with a perceptive understanding of my sense of humor gave me a book called The Lazlo Letters. Published in 1977, the book collects four years of correspondence between public figures and an overeager but dimwitted patriotic madman named Lazlo Toth. Lazlo’s first letter is dated November 1, 1973 and was addressed to “President Richard M. Nixon (the best)” with a simple message:

Toth printed the courteous reply card he received from the White House. Over the next few years he continued the charade with letters to Ferdinand Marcos (“Law and order forever!”), Francisco Franco (“You are not just a general, you are truly a Generalissimo! Keep it up!”), McDonalds (stating his opposition to putting jelly on the Egg McMuffin), and Henry Kissinger (“How’s your new wife?”). He received replies to most of these, ranging from terse boilerplate form letters to enthusiastic handwritten personal responses (“Eagles are for emblems and chicken are for eating!” replied Kentucky Fried Chicken). Others were simply stamped “NO REPLY!”

Dear Queen Mom, I have this to say. Of all the people at the party, from the pictures, you look like you were having the most merry old time of everybody. I’ll bet there’s one title nobody ever gave you. Designated Driver. Am I right?

The second volume, Citizen Lazlo!, published in 1992, showed us Toth at the top of his game. Funniest are his product suggestions, such as the Little Big Mac (“Half the fat with a feather on top!”) or Campbells Soup (Presidential-themed microwave dinners).

In all, he kept up the act for thirty years, through seven U.S. Presidents, and five McDonalds presidents. The McDonalds series is a treat as the company slowly catches on to the ruse, eventually sending a reply from Ronald McDonald himself (“Good to hear from you after all these years — are you still putting jelly on your hamburger?”).

Mr. Prime Minister [of Moldavia], enclosed please find Moldavia’s new National Anthem, I Am Moldavia I Said. I would include a cassette of me singing it but I don’t know what kind of volts you have.

In reality, “Lazlo Toth” was comedian Don Novello, better known to most of us as Father Guido Sarducci. (He was also the godfather of the short-lived Portuguese Water Dog Baseball Aquatic Retrieval Korps.) Novello was the Seventies’ foremost practitioner of what today we’d call the “long troll.” In an interview, he says he never intended to keep writing those letters, his original plan was to publish a single magazine article. But fortunately for us he kept at it through thirty years and three whole volumes.

Before The Daily Show, before Ali G, before Weird Twitter, there was Lazlo Toth. And he was splendid.

Dear Mr. Toth: Thank you for your recent letter concerning Preparation H. Please be advised that H stands for hemorrhoids.