The “Grendel” Reference in Taylor Swift’s “Anti-Hero”
Existential angst and “Beowulf”
Taylor Swift’s new hit “Anti-Hero” has these lyrics:
I’m a monster on the hill
Too big to hang out, slowly lurching toward your favorite city
Pierced through the heart but never killed
What does it mean? More than generic self-deprecation in line with the theme of the song, it’s actually a specific reference to a canonical anti-hero: Grendel, the monster from the Old English epic poem “Beowulf.”
What is an anti-hero?
Remember from high school literature that an anti-hero is a protagonist who is decidedly not heroic. Anti-heros are not valorous and strong. They’re pathetic and weak. They don’t charge head first into battles. They often scamper away but get sucked in anyway, or they pick the wrong battles, or they try but are woefully underprepared. Think that guy walking around in his pajamas in “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”
The anti-hero sprung up in literature after two world wars, as people started to question the classical hero narrative, and as the new era of Post-modernism started to question grand narratives in general. After witnessing tragedies committed for the sake of valorous but nebulous concepts such as “freedom” and “justice,” writers came home from the battlefields questioning the rigid distinction between “hero” and “villain.” The anti-hero was their answer: someone deeply flawed, and not in the “Hamlet” sense. Hamlet was given the dignity of a tragic flaw: despite being almost perfect, this one flaw unravels a destiny of greatness. Anti-heros are just flawed and decidedly not destined for greatness.
The world wars also gave rise to the philosophies of existentialism and nihilism. While distinct, existentialism and nihilism both agree life is meaningless, everything is pointless, and existence is pretty much made up. Both philosophies emphasize the intense angst we feel from wondering why we’re here and what it’s all for.
If existence itself is meaningless, then, where do we find our meaning?
What is “Grendel,” and what is “Beowulf”?
Beowulf is canonical Old English literature, where “old” refers to the style of English, not to the age of the literature. (Old English is unintelligible to the average English speaker today, similar to Latin versus Italian.) The epic poem is a whopping 3,182 lines.
The titular Beowulf is a hero in the classical sense: a mighty warrior who travels far to save a village from a terrible beast, Grendel. As told in the poem “Beowulf,” Grendel couldn’t stand hearing the people singing every night in the mead hall. He’s a total grinch.
But during the Modern era, American author John Gardner reimagined the epic poem from the monster’s point of view in his novel, “Grendel.” Poor Grendel just wants to know why he’s alive. No one seems to understand him, not the other beasts, not his mom, and certainly not the humans.
Grendel’s fate is worse than death: it’s purgatory. He can’t seem to understand why things are happening, and no one bothers to tell him.
From Grendel’s point of view, the humans started the whole mess by attacking him first while he was asleep stuck in a tree. He’s only saved by his mom. But as he continues to monitor the humans, a new one appears: a singer-songwriter. Grendel falls in love with storytelling via music. Clueless on how to deal with his new, big feelings, Grendel flies into a rage.
He calms down and decides to return to the humans’ mead hall with a peace offering. In the words of Taylor Swift, Grendel “slowly [lurches] toward your favorite city.” But the humans interpret the corpse he dragged into the mead hall as an attack, and decide Grendel is simply “too big to hang out.” They only ever see “a monster on the hill.”
So begins years of Grendel’s attacks against the mead hall, briefly pausing when the king takes a new wife whose beauty enchants him. Metaphorically, Grendel gets “pierced through the heart, but never killed.”
Grendel’s fate is worse than death: it’s purgatory. He can’t seem to understand why things are happening, and no one bothers to tell him. The one person who did was a dragon hoarding gold, saying life is but a series of accidents.
No one understands him. For the rest of his time here on earth he will only ever be reviled, unable to find the connection or meaning he seeks because people scorn what they see. No one bothers to get to know who the monster is inside. No one bothers to talk to him.
Beowulf plays a brief role in Grendel’s story as a pompous foreigner whose crazed eyes flash with bloodlust. When Beowulf attacks, he seems to take on the form of a dragon — a serpent, a snake, symbolic of treachery and deceit. Beowulf thus comes to embody Grendel’s last impression of humanity.
How this ties into “Anti-Hero”s theme
Taylor Swift’s new song broods over how she seems to be her own worst enemy, her own foil. Being an anti-hero, she’s denied the dignity of tragic flaws, reserved for classical heroes who would succeed if not for this one character trait. Instead, she’s left with a shoebox of insecurities. A pile of unlaundered regrets.
Depending on your point of view, “Anti-Hero” is a sincere baring of Taylor’s imperfections, or it’s a tongue-in-cheek poke at what her relentless critics say. But the truth is probably in between: it’s a lot of criticism that got internalized through years of media coverage and consumption.
Is Grendel a monster or isn’t he? Is his life a meaningless farce, or did it stand for something? Well, the humans and the dragon seem to agree. He is worse than worthless, worse than meaningless. He is whatever other people say he is. Because they cry “monster,” he must be.
Is Taylor “too big to hang out”? Can she be “left to [her] own devices”? Will people really leave her because they “got tired of [her] scheming”? Is she really her own problem? Well, “at teatime, everybody agrees.”
Is Taylor a sensitive innocent who’s been unfairly targeted by narcissistic bullies? Or is she a drama queen who blows up friendships after reeling them in with her fake sweetness and victimhood narrative? Would all these people come after her if she didn’t flaunt her hurt feelings, or would they have messed with her anyway? Would her friendships have ended anyway, or is there something toxic about the way she reels people in to discard them less than half a year later?
Maybe Taylor herself doesn’t know anymore.
In both “Anti-Hero” and “Grendel,” the anti-heroic protagonist is left scrambling for meaning where it’s been obfuscated. Scorned and exiled, the lonely protagonists are left to grapple with what it all means. The only persistent answers they get are negative external messages. Tragically, they start to internalize and accept those messages.
