Death and Grief
On the back of her book, “We’ll Be the Last Ones to Let You Down,” Rachael Hanel states,
But when she experiences a major and unexpected loss at the age of fifteen, Rachael and her family are abruptly transformed from bystanders to participants. And for the first time, she realizes that death and grief are very different.
Fun fact if you’ve ever heard of and/or read the book: Rachael is from this cute, little place where we live — Waseca, MN. The book and its premise take place in Waseca. It’s about growing up as a gravedigger’s daughter.
Mom and I were talking about the cemetery and life of a gravedigger last week. Did you know that if you want a grave dug on the weekend it’s more expensive? A little more on Saturday, and a ton more on Sunday.
Anyways, she said she had a book about the gravedigger’s life and how, ironically, the author was from Waseca. She brought the book to me while I was sitting in dim lights in her kitchen, and when I saw the cover, knew I’d need to read it.
I took to the back first — where I always start prior to reading a book.
Those words, “death and grief are very different” kept sticking out. I couldn’t put my finger on why.
Death and Grief
For 21 months, as we watched my dad go through the Cancer motions and treatments, oftentimes in a ton of pain and very sick, stress was high and spirits low.
Those months and days were not easy; nothing was up until his final breaths.
The early morning of his actual death, that entire week, the wake, and then the funeral; also hard, sad, and draining. All I could think was, “Surely this is the worst of it, right? The days will get drastically better from here.”
Looking back, that week just wasn’t that hard. Friends and family were around 24/7. There was eating, drinking, laughing, crying, remembering, sharing; all of it.
I felt strong enough (and that it was necessary) to put a picture of he and I as my phone screen saver.
And taking time off of work? Nope. I didn’t need to remove myself from everything.
So I just kept on going.
Until Sunday arrived……
All the people went home, leaving mounds of food, beautiful plants and flowers, cards, and memories behind for us to hold.
I spent a little time with Mom and JJ going through everything, taking some of it to my house; figuring out thank-you’s, etc. It was quiet, though, with just the three of us.
On my drive home, I cried when I saw that phone screen saver.
Reality had set in.
Dad was gone for good.
Late that night, for the first time, I realized exactly what Rachael was talking about. It was so clear.
Death and grief ARE very different.
Early last week, I spent a lot of time sad and confused; I didn’t want it to be that way, but couldn’t help it.
If you read A Gutsy Girl, I even put together 15 ways I’m practicing self-care during massive grief. It had to be written because I needed that reminder of all the good things I have done and/or the things that now must be done.
I’ve entered what seems to be the actual grief stage. And I won’t lie. It feels suffocating. Sometimes I attempt to escape; other times I’m just sitting with it all. One is very comfortable; the other incredibly uncomfortable. But I think both are important.
I’m staying with death and grief; at least in part for the next week or two. It’s the least I can do for a process that I had no clue would be so draining.
Maybe I’ll even finish Rachael’s book.
Follow my blog with Bloglovin by clicking HERE or click HERE to get on the A Thyme for Milk and Honey newsletter list.
Xox, SKH
