The Playlist

On Thursday, September 21, 2019 (just a little over a week ago), the strangest thing happened.

I have to do a couple of prefaces to this post prior to sharing what happened.

First, I have never believed it when people talk about “feeling” and/or physically seeing their loved ones after they pass.

Second, just refer back to the first :)

I woke up that morning, as I do most mornings — super early. And my morning was nowhere out of the ordinary. This is what 95% of my early mornings consist of:

• Alarm or natural awakening between 4–5 am.
• I make coffee. And it’s strong. Obviously.
• Once the coffee is done, I take my mug and good attitude; we head to the office.
• I sit down, take a sip of said coffee, open my computer, and start typing.
• All of this is done in complete silence. I can promise you that. The only noise one might hear is the clanking of my fingers against the keyboard.

Wait, there is something else you should know. Because of the last bullet point, I never play music that early in the morning. In fact, I rarely play music throughout the entire day as I work.

I’m an introvert who enjoys silence. Actually, I think it’s where my best work comes from — a very quiet place.

Okay, now that the scene is set, I can tell you what happened.

The Playlist

That morning, sometime before 5 am, music started playing on my computer. It startled me because good-heavens-for-all-the-love-of-the-Lord, the kids cannot be up at 5 am.

Quicker than I run for Maya when she darts into the street, I reached for the “turn down” button on the computer. I rarely have the volume up in the first place, but because I was so startled, I reached for it to mute.

But only briefly.

“Hmmmm,” I thought. I actually like this song. (It was a Miranda Lambert song.)

Though I had zero clue what it was, I kept it on. But yes, turned it so it was nearly off. Then, I continued listening. I can’t remember what the second song was, just that I like that one, too.

And then the third song came on. “My Girl.”

It hit me instantly what the playlist was. It was “Sarah’s List,” the one Ryan made for me the day of my dad’s funeral. It’s a Spotify playlist that contains either songs that remind me of my dad or songs Ryan thought would be good to have on the list to remind me of him.

Of course “My Girl” was on the playlist; it was the father/daughter dance song at our wedding.

My heart started beating fast because I literally had no clue where the music came from. I looked everywhere. Did I accidentally open up Spotify? But nothing was found. In fact, when I was done with my computer and went to shut the music off, there was no place to do so….because I had never pulled up any app or started any playlist.

I messaged JJ and Mom, telling them the story. Mom said, ‘“Very interesting! Saying ‘hi.’”

JJ said, “Maybe just checkin in on ya!”

Cue all the tears.

What happened that morning still hardly feels real.

In fact, losing my dad still hardly feels real. I never knew that I could find so much joy and happiness in a playlist coming on while simultaneously crying tears of sadness — missing Dad.

I sat in the LA airport late last night (red eye flights are so much fun!) writing this and reflecting on that morning. And my eyes swelled with so many tears. Before when I’d travel, I’d go see Dad right when I got home. I’d message Mom daily to see how he was doing.

And then I realized that this time would be different. Dad is not here, the Western shows won’t be playing.

But my gosh, if hearing the playlist completely out of the blue is any indication of how close Dad still is — it all seems manageable.

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Xox, SKH