A Hate (Love) Letter to the Strong Female Character
I have always been obsessed with the idea of being strong. I went through things that lead to the kind of tearful vow you see in fiction, a promise that I would become so strong, and no one would ever be able to hurt me again. Like everyone else seems to, I thought of ‘strength’ as purely physical. I started weight training, relishing in the fact that I had a concrete way to see my improvements in the numbers on the weights. I wasn’t obsessive, and I still have so much room to grow, but I worked hard to get better. Be stronger. More recently, I fell in love with the idea of combat sports. I started training in boxing, kickboxing, and Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, and I’ve loved every moment of it.
Even when I made the same mistakes while rolling, and failed miserably by a near instant submission, I didn’t feel as weak as I had in the past, because I was doing something. I had a motivation to get better. A flame struck inside me, keeping me coming back, no matter how gloriously bad I can be, because with every time I step onto the mat, I would be that slightest bit better than I was before.
In a way, I am grateful for my obsession with getting stronger, because it introduced me to things that will continue to be a major part of my life, things that make me happy. At times, I wish I would have developed this sooner.
Like if I had been even this strong back then, he never would have been able to touch me.
Even if I still have too far to go.
Long before I felt this need, I had an obsession with Young Adult Fiction. I still do. I read it, I write it (or, at least, I want to). It shaped my preteen and teenage years and continues to shape me today, because who says we stop coming of age and figuring ourselves out when we turn eighteen?
The weak little me who dreamt of becoming strong became deeply attached to and invested in the idea of the Strong Female Character. I wanted to read them. I wanted to be them. I also secretly wanted to date them, but that’s a story for another day.
Not only were these characters leads — they kicked ass. I had heroes like Katniss Everdeen and Tris Prior. A whole array of characters that worked to gain physical strength and fighting skill. Nearly every fantasy, dystopian, historical fiction series seemed to have one, whether they were the lead or a supporting character who seems like a bad bitch but secretly has a heart of gold (i.e. my sexual awakening).
It was a lot harder to find them in realistic fiction.
Which seems a bit odd. Like girls can only work to be physically strong if the crazy ass world they live in specifically calls for it. Like a “normal” girl can only work to be strong in fantastical settings, or no one cares.
But I did. For so much of my life, I looked for guidance in characters. When I didn’t have anyone else, I had fiction. Looking back, it is so easy to think that if I just had a popular book where the girl really worked to get stronger, felt the things I felt, was bisexual, well…maybe I would have felt more understood. Maybe it wouldn’t have taken me so long to accept myself.
And, sure, you can argue that even in these fantasy worlds with badass ladies, they had to work hard.
But, hear me out…did they?
It always sort of feels like we’re shown the characters failing once or twice, and we’re given some kind of training montage or reference to sore muscles, but there really isn’t a lot of work involved when it comes down to it. And I understand, you can’t include all the boring parts, you have to leave room for everything that moves the story forward. I get it.
But the thing about Strong Female Characters is that they still need to be human. They still need to fail. They need to fail miserably, again and again, but keep putting in the time.
That’s what I had to discover myself. No matter how badly you are defeated or rejected when you do something, it will never be as big of a failure as letting your fear stop you from doing it.
I want to see characters fail, and I want to see them try. I want them to be wildly obsessed and crazy passionate and counting their macros and having too much caffeine through pre-workout and spending too much money on personal training and gym memberships and finding bruises all over their bodies after sessions and making compromises with other things in their lives to put the time and work into getting better.
And even more than that, and this is coming from someone who checks all the boxes now at that above list, I want to see characters that prove physical strength isn’t the only kind of strength there is.
A Strong Female Character does not need to be someone with muscles, or ninja assassin skills, or a crazy good shot.
A Strong Female Character can be someone who is broken, and keeps going anyway. Someone who can’t bring themselves to get out of bed, but manages to make sure they eat something. Someone who feels incredibly alone, but finds some kind of outlet for their thoughts and feelings.
Someone who feels so much, and cares deeply.
Emotions don’t make us weak. They show our strength.
Besides, if given the choice between getting my ass kicked and having to be completely honest about my emotions, especially with someone I like, I would brace myself for the oncoming physical beating. Really allowing yourself to feel, to accept what you feel, that can be one of the scariest things there is.
Anyone who can do that, or even try, is a Strong Female Character in my eyes.
And that’s what I want to see more of.
Women or nonbinary characters that have emotions, that feel so deeply they want to punch themselves in the face, who jump to conclusions and want to fall in love or make a friend or get through the rest of the day. Strength doesn’t have to come in the form of saving the world.
It doesn’t even have to be something as big as saving yourself.
Strength comes in moments. Everything from a hammer curl to a chance taken to sending that text that keeps you checking your phone every five minutes, hoping you didn’t just ruin everything by being honest.
Strength comes in hard work. Whether that be physical training or finding the effort to make yourself feel better in the slightest of ways.
Strength comes in admitting that we all can mess up, we all can freeze up, we all can have people that will pull us down, and that doesn’t make us weak.
There is that saying of “blood, sweat, and tears” when it comes to working hard. I understood the blood and the sweat part, but I guess I didn’t think crying alone because sometimes we just feel a lot and need to let it out contributed to the tears part, but you know what? I think it does.
A Strong Female Character can be so much more than someone who is conveniently skilled physically, or in battle.
I have always looked up to the Strong Female Characters, and I think I will continue to. But they aren’t necessarily the characters that people think of first when it comes to that trope. It is the regular people, who really strive for what they love, and work to find their own piece of happiness. It is the people who fight, who fear, who feel, and above all, the people who fail.
Who keep failing.
But keep living, keep striving.
