Beach Retreat

Or, we survived a Southern Baptist sleepaway retreat…three times

by Kayla & Aimée

Once upon a time (actually, three times), Kayla and Aimée got suckered into going on a week-long retreat with a church they didn’t even go to. They were lured in by the thoughts of sunshine, fun, friends, and boys…little did they know, they were in for a nightmare. Well, we may be being just a *tad* dramatic here. There definitely were fun times, don’t get us wrong. I mean, where else are you going to eat an entire tube of cookie dough without being reprimanded? But overall, Beach Retreat was…an experience.

Beach Retreat was a yearly retreat put on by our friend’s Southern Baptist church for middle school and high school-aged kids. For one week out of the year, the middle schoolers got to go to South Padre Island, TX, and the high schoolers got to go all the way to Gulf Shores, AL. While there, attendees stayed in condos with groups of 6–10 teens and two adult chaperones. Of course, since this was a church retreat, there was plenty of worship, bible study, and reflection. And don’t forget the public baptisms in the wave pool at the local water park! Yes, that is not an exaggeration…

The two of us often cringe and reminisce about our three Beach Retreat experiences, and us sharing them with the readers of ATF has been a long time coming. We figured we would break down some of the highlights (and lowlights) of Beach Retreat in conversation format.

Silent Sounds

Kayla Vogelsang: Is there any better way to start your day than getting sand up your buttcrack, sitting on the freezing, windy beach, trying to read your bible? NO!

Aimée Heath: I hated Silent Sounds —

KV: — with a burning passion!!! —

AH: — Even the name annoys me.

KV: Basically, Silent Sounds was a morning and afternoon independent bible study/reflection. You had a little workbook that you had to respond to different questions each day in.

AH: If I’m being honest, sometimes afternoon Silent Sounds was okay. I didn’t hate having a little quiet time to think and pray or whatever. However, getting up at 6/6:15 on what was supposed to be a fun trip to the beach was NOT it.

KV: Yeah, it was nice to get away from some of the bitches in the condo every now and then…

Small Group Lessons

AH: So, the one year we went to high school Beach Retreat (BR’09), there was an added…treat…to the day. We had to leave our friends and other condo-mates (aka the bitches) behind and go to a Bible study-type class in a different condo. This was particularly awkward for people like Kayla and me, because we were brought up in different denominations of Christianity, and thus had slightly different views on things.

KV: Honestly, I don’t remember these lessons very much. Probably blocked them out of my brain! I just hated having to leave my friends and sit through Bible study with a bunch of strangers….I thought I was supposed to be at the beach!

Beach

AH: Speaking of the beach, that was definitely one of the highlights! Things I’ll never forget: catching little blue crabs at South Padre, watching cute boys on their boogie boards, and Caroline getting third degree burns.

KV: Wear sunscreen, kids! Also, can we talk about how we had to wear one piece swimsuits and shorts?!

AH: Yooo I forgot about the shorts! Thank God we always wore those little cotton Soffe shorts all the time anyways, I guess.

KV: It still sucked…talk about chafing.

AH: As far as Gulf coast beaches go, South Padre and Gulf Shores are pretty nice. I didn’t love constantly being sandy in the condo, but our afternoons at the beach were times well spent indeed.

Nightly Worship

KV: To be fair, this was actually my favorite part of Beach Retreat.

AH: It could be pretty fun! Oh, and you were the worship leader at FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) at school, so this was def your jam!

KV: Yes, I could really get down with those Christian tunes. Plus, Middleton was a pretty awesome band!

AH: I just love that my former dorky neighbor Jeffrey would perform his Christian rap at nightly worship and the girls would all go nuts. I’d be there like, this dude used to beat me up! Wtf!

KV: Oh my God… However, the only good part was the songs. Once you got to the pastor’s actual sermon, it SUCKED.

AH: This dude really stretched out the parable of the prodigal son over the course of an ENTIRE WEEK and set it in modern day Las Vegas. Absolutely wild.

KV: Oooh, don’t forget the “I am a chicken” song!

AH: I was just singing that last week!!

KV: Wait, it was: “I am a C. I am a C-H. I am a C-H-R-I-S-T-I-A-N…” *proceeds to sing the rest of the song*

AH: For those confused about the “chicken” part, you could then sub in different words that start with “C” for each letter. It would be like, “I am a Chicken. I am a Chicken-Hicken. I am a Chicken-Hicken-Ricken-I-Sicken-Ticken-I-A-Nicken.” …don’t ask. But yes, I still sing this on occasion.

Condo Dynamics

AH: Despite all of these interesting activities, we seemed to have a fair amount of downtime in our condos.

KV: All I remember is the one chick who said she had a wet dream and started humping her pillow! I didn’t even know what that was! And don’t forget, we all shared beds!

AH: At one point, we had four of us in a king bed. That may have been pushing it!

KV: Even for our tiny ass little frames.

AH: We would cook, we would eat junk, we would dance, we would play Taboo.

KV: And when she says “we” would cook, she means Kayla! Also, let’s not forget mattress surfing!

AH: If it weren’t for the occasional bitches, condo time would have been amazing. But alas, it couldn’t just be our friends from school…we always got stuck with a few other randos. Although some of the randos were cool! But the bad ones stand out.

Condo Chaperones

KV: Where do we even begin with this? I guess by year. Our first year, we had Ms. Pam and Ms. Kim. Ms. Pam was the nice one, and Ms. Kim was the mean one.

AH: I kinda liked Ms. Kim, though. She had been my Ropes instructor a few years before! Also, she was nothing compared to some of our later experiences. Just kinda like a strict mom.

KV: The next year, who was with Ms. Sheila? Was it Abby? The social alcoholic?

AH: Yes!

KV: I was like, I didn’t even know what an alcoholic was!

AH: Yeah, so one night, our chaperone — who was pretty young — gave her testimony, and explained to us that when she would go out with her friends, she could not stop drinking. We were all sitting there like deer in headlights.

KV: Speaking of addictions, the next year we had a chaperone who quit smoking THE WEEK of Beach Retreat…because quitting cold turkey before chaperoning 10 young girls is a great idea.

AH: Classic Ms. Billie! Other than the occasional moment of nicotine withdrawal-induced anger, she was okay.

KV: But the best of them all was Ms. Jennifer!

AH: Ms. Jennifer was a doll. And she still likes my Facebook posts every now and then! Super sweet. Don’t know if we could have survived without her that last year.

Schlitterbahn

KV: Ah, la pièce de résistance! The best part of the whole damn trip!

AH: At the end of the week, during middle school Beach Retreat, everybody got to go to South Padre’s mini-version of the world’s best water park: Schlitterbahn! Honestly, the South Padre Schlitterbahn is pretty lame, but we still had a blast riding The Tempest over and over again. And we drank a ton of virgin piña coladas.

KV: However, I cannot forget how we were forced to sit through a public baptism in the wave pool BEFORE we were allowed to enjoy the fun rides. The rides were just sitting there taunting us as hundreds of brainwashed children “gave their lives to Christ.”

AH: Y’all should see us cackling as we write this shit…

KV: I’m crying over here!

AH: And I bet you every damn one of those “saved” kids either A) no longer goes to church, and/or B) is wildly homophobic.

KV: Although I have to admit to the readers…. I was one of those kids… and look how I turned out. (See answer “A” above).

AH: I’m guilty as well! I guess I just felt pressured to do it. And, it’s embarrassing, but a little part of me feels mad guilty every time I say “I confess one baptism for the forgiveness of sins” during the Nicene Creed at my Catholic mass.

Without further ado, please enjoy these visual artifacts from our final Beach Retreat.

KV: Peep our Bermuda shorts! They were a sign of the times…

AH: My hair…I can’t even deal. Also, we thought we were so good at that dance, until one of the “bitches” completely schooled us.

AH: At least we have some shorter shorts on here.

KV: Speak for yourself, what the hell was I wearing?! But shout-out to Ms. Jennifer, second to the left!

KV: Wow, we thought we were so cool.

AH: Y’all don’t understand…this wasn’t just a weird church retreat thing. Kayla and I would wear matching outfits TO HIGH SCHOOL. We had a problem.

Overall, I guess we’re glad to have these crazy memories. It was the “hard times” that brought us closer together as friends!

Originally published on December 10, 2020