I’m an imposter…

Or another fun mental health hoop to jump through.

[Originally published on May 26, 2020]

In the last couple of years, I’ve developed a serious case of Imposter Syndrome. Imposter Syndrome is the “psychological pattern in which one doubts one’s accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a ‘fraud’”. Often, it is accompanied by anxiety, stress, or depression. MAN, did I hit the jackpot or what? On top of my mental health challenges, I now get to second guess my intelligence and my abilities. Cool.

Since being laid off about two weeks ago, I have thrown myself down the rabbit hole of applying to jobs. I don’t know if you know this, but the pandemic has caused a crazy recession, everyone is out of work, and we are all applying to the same jobs. Very few places are hiring, so the places that are have been bombarded by applicants. As if this didn’t suck enough, I am four years out of college and still applying to entry-level positions because I’ve made terrible career choices. The name of the game is to stay somewhere long enough to be promoted, which I have never done. MoviePass should’ve been a great opportunity, but we all know how that ended. Now I am feeling like a complete failure compared to others from my graduating class who are already managers, senior managers, even directors of entire departments.

The rational side of my brain knows not to compare my journey to others, but damn if your girl couldn’t just catch a break. All-day long I read job descriptions and all I can think is I am not qualified. I’m terrified that I’ve secretly been coasting through life and now I’m waking up to find out the only information I’ve retained is Gilmore Girls references and the lyrics to every Taylor Swift song.

The irrational side of my mind is telling me that I have fallen irreparably behind my peers, that I have dug my heels into a career that I maybe don’t like, and that I’ve wasted the last 4 years chasing something I don’t want anymore. Have I really learned anything since graduating that I can leverage for a new job? It doesn’t feel like it. It feels like I have been faking it hoping one day something will click. I don’t know what makes me special or what sets me apart from other applicants.

When my therapist and I discuss this and try to talk through some of these fears I have she asks me to list some traits I like about myself or traits that I think make me special. The problem comes in where I don’t think I am special. I don’t! I am smart, funny, empathetic, generous, and kind. Those are traits I like about myself, but they’re not special. There are tons of people who have those traits so they don’t make me special. I’m just a normal person going through the first of what I can only expect to be many life crises.

The real scary part about feeling like an imposter is once the seed of doubt in yourself has been planted, it is very difficult to motivate yourself (i.e. lie to yourself). The intrusive thoughts of not being good enough or smart enough or that there’s definitely a better candidate than you just torment you until you are sobbing on the phone to your dad. I don’t know how to combat Imposter Syndrome. Mine manifests in overwhelming feelings of failure quickly followed by a full-on panic attack that can last hours if I can’t get it under control. I’ve tried all the tips and tricks, but at the end of the day, I am a glass half empty sort of person. It’s going to require more than some meditation app to change the way I view the world.

I wish I had a peppier end to this piece, but I don’t, but I also don’t sit around pitying myself. While I don’t think I am special, that doesn’t mean I don’t like myself. It just means I am not surprised my very average resume hasn’t garnered any responses. I know it’ll all (probably) work out. At the very least I have a wonderful support system in place to help me if I truly cannot find a new job. My Imposter Syndrome is simply another facet of my ever-evolving mental health journey that I have been called to share.

If you’re also feeling like an imposter in some part of your life, let us know! Sometimes it feels good just to shout it into the ether.