Sink to Swim
Or I reached burnout.
It started with slight anxiety. Was I doing everything correctly? Was everyone happy? What was I doing wrong? Why could I not handle everything? All the basic questions flooded my brain on a daily basis as I fought to prove my worth to my boss, my coworkers, and myself. In my head, I validated the anxiety by telling myself it was normal. I told myself that I was anxious because I wanted to do a good job and be the best employee that I could be. I told myself the anxiety was completely normal because any good employee wants to do a good job so they should always be concerned about their work; however, what started as occasional anxiety quickly turned to severe anxiety, the inability to sleep, never feeling checked-out, constant stress, and eventually started a slow downhill spiral that I could not get out of. Weekends were no longer enough to get my head above water. The “Sunday Scaries” hit me like a ton of bricks each week as I started going to bed on Saturday dreading Sunday because I knew that meant the next work week was approaching. No amount of time out of the office could refresh my brain and reset my mind and I knew I was in the never-ending downhill battle that is: burnout.
Burnout was something that I never thought could happen to me. I’ve always prided myself on being a hardworking employee that is completely dedicated to her job. I struggle with perfectionism and I’ve always made it a goal to make other people happy, even at the expense of my own self-care. Part of the reason I made self-care my word for 2020 is because I knew going into the year that I was in a bad mental state. I was feeling major anxiety and emotional exhaustion, and I knew I needed to take better care of myself. I knew that staying in that mental/physical state for so long would have some major effects on my body so I attempted to make self-care a priority. Unfortunately, my burnout only got worse before it got better.
For the sake of this piece, and to not put any negative words out there about my previous employer, I am just going to call my previous company “HH”. Life at HH was not always bad. In fact, for the 2.5 years that I was with them, a majority of it was good! HH was my first “real” job out of college. I graduated with a degree in Communication and was determined to find a job in PR. That is what I focused on in school and I knew that was exactly what I wanted to do. The first six months after college though, Marc and I stayed in College Station as he finished his Masters degree. At the time, we had absolutely no idea where we were going to end up or where he was going to get a job so I was fortunate enough to be able to keep my student worker job as he worked to finish his degree.
Once we knew our sights were set on the wonderful place that is DFW, I desperately started looking for jobs. Graduating with no real idea where I was going scared the shit out of me, but having a steady job with the university made me feel slightly better. I had some connections in Dallas already so I made some calls and put the word out that I was looking for a job. Honestly, knowing someone is one of the best ways to get a job in my opinion (even though it isn’t how I scored my most recent position!). One of the first places I interviewed was HH and I was confident that I would be offered a job; however, my world slowly crumbled as I received word that they didn’t have any positions that really fit. They did tell me that they would keep me in mind for any future openings though….yeah right.
The next few months were a blurr. By this point it was December 2017 and Marc and I had been in DFW since October 2017. I was unemployed, stressed out of my mind, and constantly stuck in a state of defeat. I applied to hundreds of jobs with not a single response. Eventually, I ended up meeting someone at a staffing agency and finding a sales support role close to where we were living at the time. I knew it wasn’t a forever job, but just having some income was great. Luckily I didn’t have to wait long because two months later, HH called me back about a job opening- much to my surprise!
Going into the role, I was petrified. HH was the most stereotypical corporate environment you can imagine. Large office in downtown Dallas run by all middle-age white men from prominent families. It was a place where working long hours was seen as normal, vacation was looked down upon, and mental health days would have been a joke. Walking into the office for the first time, I was met with bright white overhead lights, a maze of unmarked hallways, and rows upon rows of cubicles — one of which would eventually feel like a prison cell. My poor naïve mind wasn’t thinking about all of that on day one though because the excitement of my first job was still at the forefront of my mind.
In my first role at HH, I didn’t feel as much of the stress. I was in a pretty low role with job responsibilities that didn’t have a ton of power. The first year of my employment was actually pretty great. I really enjoyed my teammates and I was basically still in ignorant bliss! Almost a year after I started though, I started noticing things that should have sent up instant warning flags in my mind to GET OUT! My coworkers started showing signs of burnout. The pressure of the job was getting to them and I could see some tensions between them and our boss. I was young though and just figured they couldn’t handle the job. Pretty quickly though, two employees from my team of 5 (red flag warning?) were let go and I saw my opportunity to move up. I was blinded by the aspiration of doing more that I jumped into the new job without hesitating. If I was smart, I would have realized that 5–2 = 3 and our team was almost cut in half. At that point, not only was I learning my new role, but I was STILL doing my old job because we couldn’t find an employee to backfill my role. I ended up doing two jobs for six months…. And that was essentially the beginning of the end for me.
I was starting to drown at work, but I still wasn’t completely underwater. It was like I jumped in a pool but noticed that a cramp was coming on. I thought I could push past the pain, push past the stress, push past the anxiety to keep myself above water, but boy was I wrong. Eventually someone else was hired to backfill my previous role but it came 5 months too late. The horrible anxiety I faced each day at work was something that I couldn’t shake. It was Jan. 2020 at this point and I thought the year would be better, but we all know what happened this year: COVID.
The one saving grace at HH was my coworkers. I absolutely loved my team. I basically pride myself on being an open book so I felt like they knew my whole life. They watched me get married and buy a house. I knew about their spouses, kids…hell, I even knew about their pets! Commuting the 33 miles each way into the office (which also helped contribute to my burnout) was only manageable because I knew I would get to see them each day. So throwing us into a work-from-home lifestyle, while removing the incredibly difficult commute, also removed my ability to interact with my friends.
Prior to COVID, I had been thinking about next steps and possibly leaving my company. I knew I couldn’t handle the level of stress forever, but I didn’t quite know how to get out. I was trapped. I knew I couldn’t overcome the pain I was feeling and my head was slowly starting to sink below the water. I tried looking for jobs in February and early March, but became completely discouraged once the pandemic set in. I knew nobody was hiring and that thousands of people were losing their job. I tried to stay positive and tell myself that I was lucky to even be employed. How could I be so ungrateful about my job while the rest of the world was imploding? I kept telling myself this as I gasped for air. At work, I had more projects than ever thanks to my department firing yet another employee. This time I took on her projects. To make matters worse, we were also on a COVID hiring freeze and I knew her job would not be backfilled anytime soon. My anxiety was the worst I had ever experienced earlier this year. It was almost like the heavens had a sick sense of humor and decided to rain on me while I was already struggling to stay above water.
My savior came in an unexpected form though. Around August, a recruiter reached out to me and asked if I would be interested in looking at another company. Typically I just ignore all of the recruiter emails, but this one felt different so I agreed. One interview led to another and finally, five interviews later, I was offered a job at my current employer. Just as my head started to sink below the water one final time, a lifeguard jumped in and grabbed me. For that I am completely grateful and could not think of more perfect timing. I’ve been at my new company for almost a month now and from the outside, I can truly see what damage I did to myself and my mental health at my previous job. I let myself suffer for so long, too long, but I feel like I am on the mend now! I finally feel like I can breathe. Even the new-job jitters don’t compare to the stress I felt before and it is like a weight has been lifted.
It sounds silly, but even as I type this I still wonder if I was just overreacting. How could I possibly have become burnt out at 25? I know that question is completely crazy though because, as I said last week, I know that I AM doing much better now. My weekends aren’t spent in a constant state of panic, I don’t wake up each hour dreading the approaching morning, and I actually feel like I am myself again. I can check out on the weekends and see my friends, focus on myself, and take time to regroup for the next week. It also helps that I already really enjoy all of my new coworkers! So, in the words of Taylor Swift, “Rain came pouring down when I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe”.
Originally published on November 11, 2020.
