Two years after graduation
I’ve been thinking of a second post for quite some time (a year to be precise). And yet again Facebook never fails to remind the two years that have passed since graduation. I felt like the right time for the second post.
But first I salute the 2016 Leeds College of Art graduates! Hope you all the best! Don’t worry graduating is scarier than you think… but it’s also equally more exciting!
In my last post ‘A year after graduation’ I’ve opened up about many things that I faced after graduating: depression, panic attacks, having no clue where I’m heading, even considering quitting… It’s been a though year. So what about now? It’s been two years after I graduated. Did everything change? Am I successful now? Did I find my place in the universe? Yes. And No.
After my last post
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So after my last post things were going great. I had a great studio space and shared it with absolutely amazing people. I had two really solid clients and many small interesting projects ahead of me. I was earning ‘dollar dollar bill yo!’. I had a trip to look forward to (Amsterdam — Leeds — Barcelona (OFFF festival)). Everything was better than great.
The trip was amazing. I got to visit my friend in Amsterdam. I also got to visit Leeds and catch up with many wonderful people, my fav tutors John Watters and obviously Matt Burton. I even had the opportunity to reset a ‘broken’ friendship. I felt great. Then I went to Barcelona. The OFFF festival was smashing. I got to meet and talk with Danny Sangra who has been a huge inspiration in my creative career. He gave me amazing advice. Encouraged me to be myself and create my own ‘cool pool’. So the whole experience was very inspiring for me.
When I look back, I realized at the same time while I was having all this overwhelming experience in Barcelona — something inside of me cracked. And that was the turning point.
The turning point, where it all goes to shit again
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After hearing about all these amazing projects people were doing. After meeting all these talented designers. I remember I felt panic. I started thinking that all that I was doing was just bad. Everything. That I have to ‘up my game’. That I have to be better. I have to work more. I have to develop more. I have to learn all these new skills. I was just not enough. Not enough talented. Did not have enough work. Or experience. Or even charisma. The funny thing is that after I came back — everything just hit me. I came back thinking ‘right, I’m gonna do this. I’m gonna work. I’m gonna grow. I’m gonna learn. I’m gonna push more.’ Suddenly everything just started FALLING apart. I started losing clients. People would reject my ideas. The paradise and the comfort that I had was falling apart. I thought I had everything under control. I didn’t.
same problems different perspective.
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It was hard to wake up. I kept getting ill all the time. My heart would start racing during the day. I just looked very poor. I went to the doctors but they couldn’t find anything. Blood was good. Heart was good. Obviously I’ve learned from the past and realized that I was having depression once again. This time I thought — I’m gonna keep working, keep trying and that’s gonna take me somewhere eventually…
And it kind of did. For a while. UNTIL the festival that I was working on (for almost a year) and was really looking forward to — got canceled 3 days before it had to happen. Everyone was shocked, angry and upset. For me it was devastating. I remember I kept thinking ‘It’s ok, it’s gonna be ok’. This is the first time something I worked on for so long, and truly believed in just never happened. This festival was one of the biggest festivals in Lithuania. It felt unreal. How can this happen? Everything was ready to ‘go’. I worked my ass off. I created this amazing thing, great brand, great visuals, great spirit. We had this vision. How can one of the biggest festivals just not happen?
I don’t know have you ever had to LET GO of a project this big or this important to you? It’s hard. For everyone. The organizers, the team, the suppliers, the musicians, the people… I got so many calls the day it was canceled. The rest of the month people would meet with me and say ‘so what happened?’. Honestly, I don’t know. I just felt sad. And suddenly I think in my mind I became this omen of failure. This project failed while I was the designer. I started blaming myself. That obviously led to more pain in the chest, feeling suffocated. I knew I’m getting depressed. I did not want that. So I started mediating. I went to self-help seminars. I realized that I have to change my mind. I have to help my mind. I started doing new things. Did some seminars myself. Continued working on my first portfolio website. Met new people. Avoided people who carry a ‘negative’ vibe. I used the same method of change as I did last time.
it’s always sunny on Instagram (J.Victore).
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Grass is always greener on the other side. We all know this saying. It’s clear to us what it means right? It means that we just THINK it’s always better somewhere else, when really it’s not. This year I had an identity crisis as never before. Have you ever had the feeling scrolling anywhere in social media or browsing or even chatting with friends/colleagues that everyone seems to be doing really well? Or wishing you had this or that? Or thinking — she has really nice hair, and they have better clients, better opportunities? If you said no, you are probably lying to yourself. We live in times where we either hear of horrendous news about WWIII, refugee crises, Trump and so on OR we see all these nice pictures of other people vacations. So it’s BAD globally but it seems every person you know are living their lives to the fullest. How is that real? Are you the only one worried? Not finding your place? Not fitting in? NO. Definitely no. Our lives have become a camouflage in how other people view us. Whenever I seemed to tell people that I wasn’t doing THAT great — they would be shocked. ‘But how cm? You seemed to be doing great on Instagram?’. Do you post shitty things about your life on soc. media? I don’t think so. We don’t want people to know that we might be suffering. That’s why I write these posts. After my first post here, people started opening up. Some of my friends that I thought that are doing great — messaged me and thanked me for telling how it is because they were feeling the same way. So we have to get out of the illusion that everyone is doing better. Even better, stop thinking of what others are doing. Let yourself grow in your own paste. There is no RULE of life. There is no RULE on how to be successful. There is no RULE on HOW your career should be accelerating.
I recently talked with a colleague of mine that very surprisingly message after reading ‘a year after graduation’ and said that he felt rough. He felt that he has been ‘following’ all these people and it was hard because unconsciously you start thinking ‘I’m not there yet. I’m not successful yet. I’m not doing as great as ‘these guys’ are.’. Fuck it. It’s ok not to. I started asking him, does he like what he’s doing. He said yes. So we create these negative thoughts about how we are doing by comparing ourselves. A tale old as the world but it has become increasingly harder, especially for the millennials. You are BOMBARDED with all this information and you have no time to think. To stop. To breath in and out. I had the luxury to stop. I had the luxury to have all this support from people that believe in me. But at the end of the day it all comes down to me working on myself. I know you heard this a thousand times but you cannot save the world if you cannot save yourself first. ‘The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.’ — Albert Einstein
confessions.
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Most of the time I have NO IDEA what I’m doing. I have to work on myself day in and out. I now identified that I do have a repetitive pattern with certain issues. I know that I want to live to make this world a better place. I believe it can only be so if I set an example. So I excepted the challenge of growing from within. I realize it’s not an easy decision and it cannot satisfy every individual. I’m not scared of my thoughts anymore. I’m not scared of getting out of my comfort zone. Actually I’m determined to keep challenging myself. I seek the truth. I also realized that because of my doubts I actually never believed I deserved better. At one point I was convinced that I was a very boring person...
I’m also happy to share the successes. Since I started making decisions. I got various feedback on my portfolio website (if you haven’t checked it out, go go go: www.gretamadline.com), I’ve been to very interesting interviews that all led to meeting amazing people and sharing new perspectives. I am now arranging to move to the capital of Lithuania. I set myself some interesting goals (I’m gonna keep them secret, so I can talk about it next year).
gratitude.
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Family. I’m thankful of my family. My brother and my niece especially.
Friends. I’m thankful to the great team that I have around me. And everyone that supports me so much. I feel loved.
I am grateful because no matter how many challenges I faced this year I am thankful for all the things that have happened. I had some great times. Beautiful memories. I met amazing people. I grew as a designer and as a person.
I hope that these posts reach some of you and maybe YOU will find comfort. Or maybe it will encourage you to share not only the sucesses but the failures. This is a great way to reflect, appreciate and move on.
Thank you for taking your time to read this.
Peace out. Calm your mind and think of Gold.
Best wishes,
Greta
