Why aren’t men changing their name after marriage?
Kylie Minogue plans to take her husband’s name when she marries “to make a statement”. But why is he not taking hers?
Opinion by Catherine Deveny
An invoice was mailed to me and my boyfriend recently — it was addressed to Catherine and Anthony Deveny.
And yet I have never married, nor changed my surname. Neither has he.
I was repelled. Why, in 2017, do we still assume that a man and a woman who share a home must also share the same name?
It is likely because women are still choosing to take their husband’s surname when they get married.
In Australia, for example, more than 80 per cent of women take their husband’s surname after marriage, while in the United States, a whopping 94 per cent of women do.
Indeed, Australian pop singer Kylie Minogue revealed last week that she, too, plans to take her fiancée’s name when they marry because, she said, “Taking a different name makes a statement”.
“Sasse is a great name,” Minogue said of her partner Joshua’s surname. “Kylie Sasse … is a great stage name. Minogue has never exactly tripped off the tongue.”
But why are women really (and I mean really) choosing to take their husband’s surname when they marry?
And why are women (it’s never men) still writing columns about this issue? Why is the discussion of women’s surnames still labelled “provocative”, “controversial” and even “divisive”, even though the topic of women changing their names has been debated ad nauseum for decades?
Women are no longer men’s legal ‘property’
Women changing their surname when they marry is a medieval tradition — a relic of a time when women were treated by men as property.
Upon marrying, husbands owned women, children, land and titles, and a woman had no choice but to assume his surname — signed, sealed, delivered.
Today, however, in most countries there is no legal requirement for women to change their surname when they marry.
In fact, in some countries — such as Quebec, Greece and Belgium — it’s even illegal for women to take their husband’s surname. Greece introduced its law in 1983, as part of a wave of feminist reforms.
And in Japan, where a married couple is required to have the same surname, 96 per cent of Japanese women assume their husband’s surname, despite the option for men to take their wife’s name.
I recently polled my Facebook community about why women take their husband’s surname, and their answers revealed stark sexist double standards.
The most common reasons women gave for assuming their husband’s name included:
- To show commitment
- So we all have the same surname / it makes us a family
- I hate my surname
- I hated my father
- It’s just easier
- It’s just a name
But these reasons could just as easily apply to men. So why is it that women change their surnames and not the other way around?
As British feminist and commentator Caitlin Moran wrote in her book, How to Be a Woman:
“You can tell whether some misogynistic societal pressure is being exerted on women by calmly enquiring, ‘And are the men doing this, as well?’ If they aren’t, chances are you’re dealing with … ‘some total f***ing bull***t’.”
Are the men doing it?
Still, women often tell me, “He just felt more strongly about it than I did”.
If I question further, they usually can’t explain the reason their husband “felt more strongly”, or why they themselves didn’t feel more strongly about not having to go through the massive administrative hassle of changing their surname, and the potential loss of identity that occurs through subsuming their partner’s identity.
Others have argued that changing their name is their choice — that it’s no-one else’s business and they shouldn’t be questioned.
But no choice is made in a vacuum. The question of name changing is not about choice, it’s about what is informing that choice.
Feminism is not about choice — and won’t be, at least until every woman has the opportunity to make the same choices, with the same consequences.
Choices like taking your husband’s surname reinforce outdated and oppressive stereotypes. Abuse and oppression of women is entwined with men feeling ownership of women.
And I can’t think of anything that suggests ownership more than a woman taking her husband’s name.
So rather than asking, “Why are women still changing their surname when they marry?” perhaps instead we should be demanding, “Why aren’t men changing theirs?”
‘Nobody wants to be Mr Minogue’
Tellingly, a famous survey by Men’s Health magazine in 2013 found 63.3 per cent of readers said they would be upset if their wife kept her maiden name after marriage.
Meanwhile, almost all respondents — 96.3 per cent — said they wouldn’t take a woman’s last name if she asked them to.
Not that wives are asking.
As Kylie Minogue said of her decision to change her surname when she marries:
“Nobody wants to be Mr Minogue. It takes a very strong man to put themselves in that position and I fully appreciate that.”
Similarly, when I asked the straight women who responded to my Facebook poll how they would feel if their male partner wanted to take their surname, many said they’d be creeped out.
“I wouldn’t want my partner / husband to have my name,” said one. “Not sexy at all — talk about ‘Mr Floppy comes to town’.”
Added another: “Frankly, if a male partner wanted to take on my name, I would probably read it as an expression of dependency and be uncomfortable with it. Keep your own name.”
Of course, others said they’d be delighted if their male partner were to take their surname; that they’d prefer it; or that they didn’t mind either way.
In which case, why are these desires not being reflected in the choices women today are actually making?
Interestingly, a few women who had taken their husband’s surname told me they wished someone had questioned their choice at the time.
Some also said that maybe they’d have been more likely to keep their birth name if they’d seen other women doing so.
Which is why women need to stop caving and placating. They need to shake off the social pressure to “follow tradition” and ask themselves what they really want to do.
But they should also ask their husband if he’s keen to change his surname to theirs.
And if he isn’t? Well, as Caitlin Moran said, they’re likely dealing with “some total f***ing bull****”.
