Locked in Doubt: Chapter 2
2
Sept 19, 2022 (7 months back)
Progress University
7 months back…
Sanath parked himself onto a chair just near a window in the third floor of the library. People normally avoided this spot, as the intense sunlight which entered through this window made the seat very hot to sit on, bordering on scorching. And this heat was precisely the reason why Sanath had chosen this spot. The security official who patrolled that floor stared at him quite regularly, as he had been doing throughout the week.
Sanath had been following this ritual every year for the past three years during the third week of September, but was not satisfied. As he thought about what else he could add to this to make it more painful, he heard a familiar female voice from behind.
“Sanath! Where have you been?” said Manisha, one of his closest friends. She belonged to the same neighbourhood as Sanath back home and they had known each other since Sanath was six. Manisha was three years older than Sanath. But Sanath had skipped a few grades in school and came to college at the same time as Manisha. It was a pleasant surprise when they realized that they would both be enrolling in Progress University at the same time. Sanath would soon be completing his bachelor’s degree in Computer Science, while Manisha was due to get a dual-degree with English as her major stream, and Business as her minor. Of course, the academic age similarity that had now emerged, didn’t stop Manisha from continuing to act as Sanath’s elder sister. Sanath, not a fan of change, was quite thankful that their relationship hadn’t changed one bit.
“Hey,” said Sanath. “I’ve just been around here. There was some work.”
“What work were you doing? Was there an assignment?”
“Oh, no. Just had some personal errands,” said Sanath, but his strained face gave away the fact that he was hiding something. He looked at the table and realized that there was nothing lying there. Hastily he added, “I’m almost done. Just waiting for someone.”
Manisha frowned for an extended moment and then sighed. “The moment you cite some mysterious personal work and act all weird about it, I never feel comfortable. Are you all right?”
“Don’t worry, I’m fine,” said Sanath.
“Of course you’d say that!” said Manisha. She sighed again. “Anyway,” she continued. “Want to move over to that spot?” she asked, pointing towards the closest wall. “Isn’t it a bit hot here?” She touched the arm of the chair and her hand recoiled in shock.
“Sanath, are you punishing yourself?” she asked half-jokingly. Her jaw dropped open when Sanath slowly began nodding his head.
“Are you serious?”
Sanath closed his eyes as his brow furrowed.
“Okay, if you must know,” he began, “I killed my brother many years back around this time of the year.” He paused, dreading Manisha’s judgement of him.
Manisha froze but wondered if this was Sanath being crazy again. He said such things from time to time. She had never really understood where this all came from. But this statement was particularly shocking since Manisha had never known that Sanath had a brother. She reasoned to herself that this was perhaps all the more reason to dismiss his self-accusation and get him off the hot seat immediately. Nevertheless, she decided to probe a little further. “You never had a brother,” she said.
“I did,” said Sanath. “He died when I was five.”
“And you’re saying he was killed by a five-year old?”
‘Yes,” said Sanath. “Okay, here’s what happened. He was 12 at that time and was a junior state level cricketer. One day, our entire family travelled with him to a nearby district as he was due to play the finals of a tournament there. We stayed at a hotel which had a bathtub in the washroom. We had never used one in our lives and were excited to try it out for the first time.”
“Why is that important?” cut in Manisha. “Don’t tell me you put a plugged-in hair dryer in his bathwater.”
Tears welled in Sanath’s eyes. “I’m so sorry, Manisha. I did do that.
“I think I was jealous of the attention he was receiving at that time, before his big game. He soon died of a shock. My parents put it down to negligence of the hotel staff, and the hotel compensated us with money. But it was me and I’ve been looking for a way to redeem myself ever since.”
He buried his face in his palms as onlookers in the library peeked out of their books to observe the scene. He found himself gasping for breath every few seconds. It didn’t help that Sanath was harbouring a mild cold, as mucous seeped through his fingers and rolled down his sweaty arms.
Manisha looked on sadly, blinking furiously to avoid crying herself. Sanath had always been the kind of person who seemed to have unresolved issues, but his self-imposed rigorous study schedule generally gave him scant time to display such emotion. Again, this was not the first time that he had felt guilty for something out of the blue. Usually, Manisha would probe him further to make him understand that he wasn’t at fault.
But this time around, she figured that probing him on such a sensitive issue would be cold on her part. And this being an incident which occurred before Manisha had known Sanath, she believed that it was not her place to make judgements on the legitimacy of Sanath’s guilt. For now, she would just have to take Sanath’s word as the truth and find another way to get him out of the hot seat.
Sanath wiped his arms and breathed aloud, as if trying to scare the remaining tears from coming out. Manisha gently placed her hand on Sanath’s shoulder, and said, “I understand your guilt, Sanath, and I’m sorry I badgered you about it. But that was years ago, and ever since I’ve known you, you’ve been an exceptional human being. I’ve never heard you speak ill of anyone. You’ve helped so many struggling students pass their exams by teaching them concepts so wonderfully. You once selflessly took the blame for Deep’s antics so that he wouldn’t get suspended for repeated breach of rules.”
Sanath shook his head and said, “It all sounds good when you say it like that, Manisha. But what if the only reason I don’t speak ill of anyone is because I’m secretly jealous of everyone? What if I had taught people something wrong for the exam so that they would barely pass but not score higher than me? What if I took the fall for Deep only so that I could blackmail him later with nude pictures?”
Manisha’s eyes widened spontaneously, tearing down her carefully constructed facade of calmness. Again, she wondered if what Sanath said was actually true. She calmed herself down again, convinced that these were just hypothetical questions.
Taking a deep breath, she stroked Sanath’s head and said, “Look Sanath, whatever it is, there is absolutely no reason for you to punish yourself like this, or in any other way. Why don’t we put the past behind us and enjoy the present? I feel that you’re a good person. So do Jagan and Deep. And so do many other people in the college. Don’t you trust any of our judgement? Not even mine?” She smiled ever so slightly, as if to provoke Sanath into acceptance.
“Well,” said Sanath, getting up from his chair. “Given that my judgement is so messed up, I guess I could trust yours.”
“That’s all I’m asking for!” said Manisha, beaming, as the two of them proceeded to the other end of the room.
Click here for Chapter 3
