Locked in Doubt: Chapter 6
6
May 30, 2023 (The present)
East Holpura Prison
At East Holpura Prison, inmates had to wait in a long queue every morning to use the toilet cum bathing area. The space was filthy and barely cleaned, with the stools of different inmates over different days of the week almost clogging the commode. And as for bathing, a single, erratic hose pipe was present in each wing of the prison, along with a common bar of soap. The door of the toilet was broken at the bottom and the top, and only inmates of perfectly average height could stand behind the door and rinse themselves completely without exposing their modesty. As a result, most inmates including Sanath, were forced to rinse their bodies with either their underwear on, or discreetly under an equally dirty towel.
For Sanath, the last four weeks had been tough, but liveable. Thakam and Shilp were not antagonistic towards him any longer. Sanath figured that this was because he had established himself as a commoner by swallowing the police caning the other day, without making a sound. Nevertheless, he kept his distance from the other inmates, barring some short casual conversation every now and then. He had heard that an inmate who showed exceptional behaviour for a few years would have a chance to get educated with some life skills that could help him make a living after he was released. Of course, this also depended on numerous uncontrollable factors like prison politics, availability of facilities, and so on.
A nervous Sanath decided that he would just try focus on the one factor that he could control. As a result, he acknowledged every guard with a polite nod, no matter how smug or scary any of them seemed.
But he could still not forgive himself. How had he sunk to such lows? Hadn’t he seen so many red signals which suggested that he could go to jail, if he kept steering out of line? Why, the first signal had come when he was five. He had cried for hours in his mother’s lap after his brother was declared gone. As his mother comforted him, little did she realize that the crying was for a totally different reason. Thirteen years later, he was paying a hefty price.
Manisha had always tried to convince him that he was a good person. “Was that why I never really tried to change myself?” he thought. Often, he’d curse Manisha under his breath for misleading him. He’d then stop himself, realizing that he didn’t have the luxury of being angry with any of his friends. There were precious few of them, especially now.
That Sunday, though, Sanath had a larger worry on his mind. His parents were due to visit him for a few minutes, and Sanath didn’t feel he could muster up the courage to face them. East Holpura Prison allowed the inmates’ families and a few friends (who were willing to pay extra) to visit them in the common area in jail, for a maximum of half an hour every week. Of course, this provision was also subject to tampering, depending on the power and record of the inmate in question.
*****
“Can’t say we’re proud of what you did, Sanath,” said his father, a tall, balding 53-year old, once he had recovered from the initial shock of seeing Sanath in inmate clothing. “People say drugs lead to poor judgement, but in my view, it is poor judgement that makes one take drugs.”
Sanath nodded glumly, and the knot that had been forming in his throat all week became tighter than it ever had.
A few other relatives of Sanath, young and old, also visited Sanath during the day, as the guard’s mouth twisted when he understood how much moral support his inmate possessed. Sanath, on the other hand, didn’t really find the support very helpful. His relatives were of two categories — those who recollected fond memories of themselves with the prisoner that made Sanath want to cry himself to death, or those who tried to crack a few jail jokes to make their parting with Sanath easier.
But the sight of two certain guests on the day immobilized Sanath for a few moments, making him feel lamer than the jail jokes.
“Sanath, how are you?” said Jagan, who immediately cringed and muttered, “Sorry, inappropriate question.”
Sanath smiled. Unlike the forced humour which his relatives subjected him to, Jagan’s familiar foot-in-the-mouth dialogues lightened him up a bit.
“You bet it was!” said Manisha, who turned towards Sanath and continued, “Sanath, we will keep in touch whether you want it or not. We heard you are allowed to send and receive post. You remember our addresses, don’t you? Anyway, I think there’d be a monitored telephone somewhere around.”
Sanath nodded, thankful for having received the first true ray of hope. He was still going to have friends.
“So what’s up with you guys?” asked Sanath suddenly. “How’s life after graduation?”
“Oh, it’s good,” said Jagan. “I’m liking my job so far at Rixix. Really good R&D facilities.”
“Oh, great to know,” said Sanath. “What about you, Manisha?”
Manisha sighed. “So far, nothing really,” she said.
“Huh? Didn’t you want to open a publishing house?”
“That’s true, but it’s a lot tougher than it sounds. It takes time to find the right people and the funding, Plus, I’ve been having the hardest time deciding on the unique selling proposition of such a venture. The trouble is that my family is probably going to evict me if I don’t earn something within the next month, so I might have to take up some part-time jobs very soon.”
“Oh, that’s rough,” said Sanath. “But I’m sure you’ll figure out a way.”
Manisha smiled warmly, but her eyes bore a bit of pain.
“Thanks a lot, guys,” said Sanath. “And… I’m sorry about Deep. I don’t know why it had to be him. What’s my reputation like, outside?”
Manisha grimaced at Jagan and said, “We were hoping we could avoid discussing Deep. People think you killed him because you wanted full credit for your project. There were some other stupid rumours which I don’t want to get into. But what happened?”
“I’m telling you, I have no clue! Just had some dumb drug, I suppose.”
“No, I mean, how did his name get up there?”
Sanath’s jaw dropped in wonder. “You mean you don’t know?”
“No,” said Manisha. “Deep might have had something up his sleeve, then. Perhaps a monumental prank that went wrong. I feel bad now, for having told him that his jokes were lame, two nights before.”
“Oh, that’s fine,” said Sanath, waving his hand. “Some of us have actually committed punishable offences.”
“You don’t need to make it sound funny, Sanath,” said Jagan. “You can cry on our sleeves all day and we still won’t believe you’re a slob. Just like we didn’t think you wanted full credit for something that… well, you should have claimed full credit for.”
“This is the most comforting line I’ve ever heard!” said Sanath, hugging his friend, as the guard peered into the gap between them to check if they were passing on any sharp item.
“Hey, did you hear that, Mani?” shouted Jagan, as the guard shot him a dirty look. “I’m not Ol’ Mr. Foot-in-the-mouth after all!”
*****
But later that evening, Sanath’s smile had gone. His friends had made him feel like a flawless person when he knew he clearly wasn’t. He started cursing Manisha again. He realized that she was the one who had pushed him to try smoking cren.
“Ultimately, it’s my own judgement that has gotten me here,” thought Sanath to himself.
“So, I need to redeem myself, and I need to stay as clean as possible in prison. I need to find out where I’m going wrong. I need to stay away from harmful influences.”
He had received his punishment. And he could now restart life with a clean slate. Realizing this, Sanath felt a huge weight lift from his shoulders.
Yes, life was still going to be difficult in the dingy barrack. But Sanath now had a plan to tackle his greatest enemy — himself.
He made a mental vow to cut Manisha out of his life. He was going to ignore her letters and disallow her from visiting him. He figured that quarantine was the best way, and just a small sacrifice, to deal with the maze of immorality that was his mind.
Click here for Chapter 7
